No kids – am I wrong?

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
239 posts
Helper bee

Let them know you’ll miss their presence and don’t think twice about it.

Post # 17
Member
625 posts
Busy bee

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@fearlesstravelbee:  OP, this is exactly like destination weddings. You get to host the party you want, but that means you cannot be mad at people who decline because that party doesn’t work for them. They would be wrong to try to twist your arm to allow their children, but they are not wrong for declining. It’s utterly unfair to take the position that ‘if they really cared enough, they’d make it work’. Their situation just may not make it that easy to ‘make it work’.

(I fully recognize the unknown details here could change this. I.e., if your friends regularly spend party weekends away from their children, and could easily do the same for your wedding, you’d be justified in feeling hurt. But in most circumstances, you have to recognize that you’ve put a boulder in the path of them celebrating with you, and they simply may not be able to traverse it.)

Destination weddings, weddings on weekdays, black tie weddings expecting uber fancy clothes, and kid-free weddings – they are all a valid choice, but they all have consequences.

 

Finally, children are not a ‘tier’ of invitees such that etiquette requires you invite all or none. You are absolutely within your rights to invite some and not others. That doesn’t change that some people might be annoyed by it, though, and you’re simply going to have to weigh whether you’d rather deal with some cousins’ annoyance or deal with not having these close friends in attendance.

Post # 18
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2021

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@fearlesstravelbee:  “You will be missed”

My DH had a friend try to steamroll their (uninvited) kid to our child free wedding.  They went as far as to write highchair/food requirements on the RSVP card. It was an awkward call to say the least.

If you want childfree then stick to your guns.  That means the cousins will not be attending.

Post # 19
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee

 

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@Sephiroth:  they will not be attending our wedding (ceremony or reception) if they cannot bring their children

This is entirely different than saying you cant attend if there isn’t an elevator. That excuse would be wont be able to find childcare/wont be able to leave the kids for extended time/etc. Saying “I wont come if I cant bring my kids” is manipulative language. 

I’m not sure why everyone is all of a sudden defending parents acting poorly just because theyre parents? Good lord, people with kids expect everyone to bend over backwards for them but apparently having one person attend a wedding of a “very close family member” is “not a good use of family resources” give me a fucking break.

editing to respond to your Destination Wedding comment: the equivalent example of this would be saying “i wont attend your Destination Wedding unless you have it in X location”. Thats not how a guest behaves. If you dont want to go or cant, thats fine, but trying to manipulate hosts into changing their event FOR YOU is shitty. 

Post # 20
Member
625 posts
Busy bee

 

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@skuzzlebutt:  I mean, we literally don’t know exactly how the information was phrased. The OP is relating the situation, and humans have been known at times to paraphrase things. If the person sniffed and said “Well, sounds like fun, but if little Bobby can’t come, we won’t be there” that would be incredibly off-putting. But (until we have more info) it seems equally possible that it was more like “We would love to come, but given that we have no workable childcare for the long weekend, I’m afraid that attending a wedding without the kiddo is just not going to work for us right now.” – well, that seems totally reasonable.

 

As for the idea that they can send one parent alone, GTFO with your sense of entitlement to their family time and resources. I can create all kinds of hypotheticals that make this request *nuts*. My friend has 3 kids under 3 with *zero* childcare help available, and it would not work for her husband, her co-parent, to take a weekend vacay for a wedding leaving all the parenting juggling to her.

An invitation is not a summons, and people are not terrible people “acting poorly” because they decline an inviation to a friggin’ wedding that doesn’t work for them.

Post # 21
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

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@skuzzlebutt:  That excuse would be wont be able to find childcare/wont be able to leave the kids for extended time/etc. Saying “I wont come if I cant bring my kids” is manipulative language. 

I am with you.  Yes, childcare is something not EVERYONE can afford/find, but saying “I’m so sorry, we would love to attend but can’t due to inability to find childcare” is vastly different than putting a condition on your attendance like these folks did.  “I will only come if…” is a different animal and that’s why PPs have suggested that they are being manipulative and rude.

ETA: This is if this is the exact phrasing the invited guests used.  Obviously it will boil down to exactly what was said but from what OP has posted, that was her takeaway.  At the end of the day, if they were invited and decline, then so sorry.  No one’s feelings should be hurt and everyone should move on, reasons aside.  It is OP’s right to host the event she wants, and it is the invitees’ right to either accept of decline.

  • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by krm1984.
  • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by krm1984.
Post # 22
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2022

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@fearlesstravelbee:  tell them you accept their NO RSVP and leave it at that. i would not change my plans of having no kids, i would not invite theirs, and i would be ok with them not caring enough about my husband or our marriage to get child care for one evening. clearly they are selfish and rude and dont actually care about you guys that much. so sorry you’re having to come to that conclusion. have a beautiful wedding and dont give this another thought!

  • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by megs229.
Post # 23
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee

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@Sephiroth:  Declining a wedding would be FINE. There is zero confusion over that! That’s not what they did, and that’s where my issue with it comes in. I won’t derail the thread further after this, but just because you are a parent does not mean everyone else has to accomodate your kids. Pushing the issue of a childfree wedding is inappropriate. 

Parents on this site always push for equal and equitable parenting, and yet when a situation that calls for it actually comes up its not an option. Your friend should be able to have a night off to attend a close family members wedding she should be able to! No one said anything about a weekend, no need to make shit up to try and prove your point. If you think one parent can’t look after their own children for a single night well I think there are probably other issues at play there. 

Post # 24
Member
625 posts
Busy bee

 

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@skuzzlebutt:  You’re taking the position that if a family decided it didn’t work FOR THEM for one parent to attend a wedding, that they would be rude and “acting poorly”. That’s shitty. People have a right to decide what works for their own families. (And just WOW at you suggesting that someone has ‘issues’ if they need their co-parent’s help in certain parenting situations like having newly crawling twins plus a difficult toddler all together. Amazingly judgmental, thanks.)

I am NOT suggesting that people can’t have childfree weddings!!! I’m not even suggesting that childfree weddings are ‘lesser’ or ‘mean’ or ‘acting poorly’. I’m just suggesting <gasp> that sometimes they don’t work for certain guests. AND THAT’S OKAY. But hosts can’t get pissy when they DON’T work for some guests. That’s all.

People get to have exactly the party they want. And potential guests get to decide for themselves whether certain social events work, or don’t work, for them. That’s it.

Post # 25
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee

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@Sephiroth:  I’m going to repeat this because I’m not sure why you arent getting my point or reading my posts properly – declining a wedding because it doesnt work for you is fine. Trying to manipulate hosts into changing their policies or location or food or whatever the fuck some entitled people want is what is rude. Saying you won’t come if XYZ isn’t done is manipulative and rude. Not sure why you don’t think your friend doesnt deserve a few hours of having her husband watch the kids, but thats obviously not my problem. I hope you take more time to read posts on here in the future because you’re misunderstanding and twisting words and making up details for no reason. Good luck. 

Post # 26
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee

You can have any rules you like for your wedding, so no, it’s not wrong to make the wedding child free.  But you do have to accept that some ‘rules’ will reduce the number of people who accept your invitation.  Some parents may be reluctant to book childcare.  Some may not be able to afford it.  Some may just not enjoy attending weddings without their kids.  That’s their choice.

I think it’s acceptable to allow some kids but not others depending on circumstances – e.g. allowing children of immediate family, children of a certain age, children of the bridal party – but be aware that if you don’t apply the rule fairly, you risk offending some people.  E.g. if one cousin tells you they won’t come without their kids and you then allow the children, you risk offending all the other cousins who made childcare arrangements and who will now wonder why cousin A’s children are allowed when theirs weren’t!

 

Post # 27
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee

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@Sephiroth:  I feel like you’re misreading what skuzzlebut is saying.

She’s not saying that the cousins have to come to the wedding without their kids or they are bad people.

Everyone here thinks it’s TOTALLY acceptable for the cousins to decline because their kids can’t come. A simple “Sorry we’re not able to make it, we’re not able to get childcare that night!” is 100% fine. 

But what the cousins are doing (if we’re reading correctly) is telling OP that they can’t come UNLESS their kids are invited in an attempt to get OP to change her mind about allowing their kids to come.

 

Post # 29
Member
8019 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@fearlesstravelbee:  They asked for you to choose their children as ring bearer and flower girl? Damn. 

I’d wait to get their RSVP in the mail, they may change their minds by the time your wedding rolls around. 

Post # 30
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

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@fearlesstravelbee:  It’s perfectly fine to have a totally child free event, however everyone invited to the ceremony must be also invited to the reception, including children. It’s rude to only invite someone to the ceremony and not the reception, that’s tiered hosting. Saying that you hope they would attend the ceremony and cocktail hour but leave before dinner only makes that worse. You want them to spend their time and money to attend your ceremony and give a gift but you don’t want to pay to host them properly with a meal afterwards.

If you want a child free wedding that’s fine, but the whole thing needs to be childfree, not only the part where you need to pay to host people with a meal.

 

 

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