(Closed) No kids at the wedding….Matron of Honor upset

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

No, I don’t particularly feel that way when people don’t invite my child along, I’m usually happy for the break from being mommy. However, she may just be projecting because she’s stressed that she might not be able to easily fulfill her commitment to being Maid/Matron of Honor. For the last 5 months (presumably) she’s thought that, if plans fall through with her coming alone, she could bring the kids. She has 5 months to figure it out, though, so she should be able to work something out. Really, it probably would have been more respectful to tell members of the bridal party it would be a child free wedding when you asked them to be part of your day.

Post # 4
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I don’t think my kids need to be everywhere I need to be. Did anything else maybe happen in the past that is putting her on the defense? Most parents I know are pretty accepting of the kid-free wedding concept (unless it’s a destination wedding or it’s an infant who is still nursing). Have there been any other times when she felt like you weren’t cool with her kids being around? It seems like kind of an extreme reaction on her part.

Post # 5
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

Okay, I don’t have kids either, but I think her response came from way out in left field. People shouldn’t assume that because their children aren’t invited to an event, the person hosting the event doesn’t LIKE them! If you were having a sex-toy party and her kids weren’t invited, would she respond the same way?? Lol. Maybe she has unresolved feelings about this that have nothing to do with the wedding. That’s my best guess. If this all sprung from a wedding invite, it’s crazy. Weddings are expensive, and sometimes children aren’t invited. Nuff said.

Post # 6
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have no advice but to say yeah I think her saying that is a overboard. Maybe it’s because I don’t have kids either, Idk but one of my best friends loooooved the idea of no kids and I think I would to if I were them. I have to say I completely feel your pain. My Fiance has over 20 nieces and nephews and we agreed to have no kids because of that since that doesn’t even include my sides kids or his friends kids. IT WAS A COMPLETE DISASTER! His family was the one that had the problem and took the same route in saying you don’t want them there so you don’t want me there. What you don’t love your own niece, nephew etc.? It was as if we said we wanted them dead.

The thing is we were planning a JOP and later dinner at a nice restaurant with close friends and the family with open bar at the rest. I thought it be great to have a night with no kids and all the adult brothers and sisters, especially since they love to drink. I’m not cool with drinking in front of kids personally. Well now I’ve caved and am doing a cooooompletely different type of wedding. Only because what I’ve spent is still needed and nothing was set in stone or money lost so I didn’t care to change the plans to include the kids. This is not always an option for others. It was far from easy, I even wrote a post on the situation as my first post on here. I wish you luck on working this out. I wish I had better advice but hey at least you know you aren’t alone!   

Post # 7
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

@starlight1222:  I have 1 kid and another on they way. I think your friend completely blew what you said out of proportion. Saying you guys aren’t having kids at your wedding is not even close to saying you don’t like her kids… that is ridiculous. I wouldn’t even want to bring my kids to a wedding, so I really can’t relate to her… Hopefully she realizes what she said is ridiculous.

Post # 9
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Agreed – saying that you don’t want kids at your wedding is akin to not loving them or that part of her is absolutely assanine IMO. I don’t want kids at my wedding but that has NOTHING to do with loving or not loving the kids my friends and family  have OR any part of them. That’s just a ridiculous statement to make. Not to mention you said her kids could come! She shouldn’t care wht other people think, if they’r emaking evile eyes it’ll be at you and if you don’t care then she shouldn’t haha.

Maybe you can call her again and be like ok, let me explain…. This is why we aren’t having kids, if we give an open invite to have kids, everyone automatically brings their kids, and we simply cant afford all of the extra people. That would cost us X amount of money, and I also personally want it to be an adult affair for the most part, and not have 12 kids running around. That being said I have no problem with people’s kids, and not wanting them at my wedding which is ONE DAY, has NO bearing on how I feel about you, or about them. etc etc” Or whatever you need to say. Just maybe try to explain a little better? That may not work, some people are just irrational, I don’t know, I hope she is more understanding!

Post # 10
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I don’t know if it will solve the emotional issue, but could you offer to provide a sitter for her during the wedding? That way she wouldn’t have the stress of trying to make out of town provisions for them.

Post # 11
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Why can’t she just use a babysitter through the hotel? Or could you set up a friend or babysitter you trust for them? Do any of your friends have kids and thus babysitters they could recommend?

Post # 12
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You’re friend is being silly. First of all, saying that not inviting kids is like saying you don’t like a part of her doesn’t even deserve a response because it’s ridiculous. You gave her the option to bring her kids and she should just accept it and bring them since that sounds like her only option right now. She shouldn’t care, nor should you, if people give her the ‘evil eye’. It is you who decides who can come, not your guests- and if you decide to allow a guest to bring her children due to special circumstances, that’s your perogative.

Post # 13
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Also, it sounds like her identity might be a touch too wrapped up in being a mom. Sounds like her identity is completely tied to how people view and accept her children. Which should be super fun for them as they become their own people in adulthood…

Post # 14
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I would arrange for and pay for a babysitter to watch the kids.

Post # 15
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@starlight1222:  Definitely not. My best friend in the world I know for a fact loves my daughter, but she is generally uncomfortable around children. I don’t see not comfortable around children as meaning she hates them or wishes they weren’t around, if she felt the way I do about kids she’d likely have kids of her own.

To give you a mother’s perspective. Sometimes (not always) we do tend to kind of wrap up other people’s acceptance of us in our kids. We are struggling to find a balance between the women and friend we were before and the mom we are now. Sometimes we do fear rejection from our old circles a little, so when we perceive that someone is rejecting our kids, we become afraid that they are rejecting US because we have kids, even when that couldn’t be further from the truth.

I know this doesn’t apply to all moms, but I caught myself getting into this pattern after my daughter was born and I had to make a conscious effort to break myself out of it. As a result I can peacefully maintain friendships with my mom and non-mom friends alike. I think your friend may just need a little reassurance that of course you love her kids, but that you’re looking for an adult only night of fun and you want her there to cut loose and party!

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