(Closed) No kids by choice? Did your mind change later on?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 48
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

I grew up wanting a big family, but as I get older, I find myself more ambivalent to the situation. SO and I talk about future kids and how they’d be awesome, but eh. I can’t see us ever trying for a baby but if I found myself pregnant years down the road, we would welcome the human. We both feel the same way in that respect. Right now would be a definite no. We keep seeing friends having children in less than ideal situations and I think that’s pushed us more toward achieving our goals financially and emotionally so that if it does happen, we will be prepared and able to provide the type of life that we would have liked to have had ourselves as children. But mostly I think our child talk is more for the other’s benefit. We’re both in our later 20s so there is time to change our minds so I guess we shall see. Neither of us likes most kids but babies are cute. I just think a lot of times, people forget that babies turn into toddlers/children/teenagers/adults and love the idea of babies but fall short afterward. But maybe that’s because we’ve seen in and he has lived it.

Post # 49
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

I haven’t changed my mind and I’ve had to end otherwise marvelous relationships because my partner thought I would change my mind on the question of children.

I cannot conceptualize meeting someone whose continued presence in my life would bring me more value and joy than the value and joy I personally get from the freedom of never having to be a mother.

Post # 50
Member
10944 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Strange, I know, but I knew at age 9 that I would never want kids.  Perhaps it has its roots in the abuse I suffered as a child in my case.

In my early 20s I asked my gyno to tie my tubes, but he said I was too young & might change my mind later.  Never did.

It was absolutely the right decision for me.  Dh has 2 kids, but they’re full grown adults now, thankfully.  

I think the kid decision is intensely personal.  Some people will change their minds, others are like me–completely unmovable.

Post # 51
Member
6291 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m 28, OH is 29. I went through a phase (about 2 years) of assuming we would have kids. I then realised it isn’t compulsory, thought long and hard, and realised having kids has never been for me, and will never be. We had a lot of discussions over it, and now, 4 years later, we are both very definitely CBC; and I really cannot see that changing. Nothing about parenthood appeals to either of us; we’re very happy just as we are. 

I tend to like it to my sexuality, or the fact I’m an atheist: it is just part of who I am, of what makes me me. People often ask ‘why’ I don’t want children, and the answer is simply ‘I just don’t’. Yes, I can list benefits (as I see them) to being CBC: more freedom, more disposable income, more time to spend with my OH, etc etc; but none of those things are the reason WHY I don’t want children. 

I think this is one issue with people who proclaim to be CBC ‘changing their minds’: I think people who are truly CBC ie are like me and just do not want children, it’ so just part of work they are will not change their minds. But you get people who say they are CBC because, for example ‘kids cost too much’, or ‘they don’t like kids’. Then when these things change (eg in a better financial position) bam! They change their minds. To me though, they were never truly CBC to begin with. Nothing short of a head injury would make me change my mind: yes, I tolerate children better than I used to as I’ve gotten older and had more experience with them; but I still don’t want my own. Yes, we’re not rolling in money; but if someone handed me 100 million, I still wouldn’t want children. Etc. 

Post # 52
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, and he told me from day 1 he didn’t want kids. I was on the fence about it, but I came to the conclusion a few years ago that I do not want children either. I work with children all day and would not want to come home to the noise, etc when I get home. I like our quiet house after a chaotic day. I just have other things I’d like to do in my life also and couldn’t do those things if we had children. I have nieces and nephews and that’s enough for me. Also furbabies!

Post # 53
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee

Just out of curiosity, where are you from, OP? That “why get married if you don’t want kids” question is something I would only hear from people above the age of 50 where I am, so that combined with your username makes me think you may be somewhere that really equates marriage with children.

Anyway, both DBF and I aren’t sure if we want children yet. While DBF used to be more against the idea and me more for it, and we both are adamant that we don’t want them now as two unmarried college students living at home, we agree that making a permanent decision either way would be a bad idea at our ages (I’ll turn 21 in about 2 months, and he will be 20 a few months after that). But if you are even a few years older than me, I would expect you to not change your mind as much. As unhelpful as this sounds, just do what you and your partner want.

Post # 57
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

My SO and I both don’t feel like we’ll ever want kids – so much so that he got a vasectomy two years ago. We’re both in our early 30s. We have, however, left the door open on adoption of an older child/teenager if we ever change our minds. At this point neither of us feel that we’ll ever want that, but it’s certainly nice to know that if we ever change our mind, we have options. 

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