No-kids wedding; 3 month old

posted 8 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
Member
795 posts
Busy bee

This sounds like a terrible idea. I would decline.

Post # 32
Member
2445 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It sounds to me like you really want to do this plan, but I agree with the other posters that there are just way too many variables at play to make a firm plan involving air and road travel, overnight stays, and the temperament of a 3 month old, at this early stage.

 

If you want to float the idea to your parents and see what they think, fine, but I would tell your friend you’re not going to be able to make a solid arrangement until the date is much closer.

Post # 33
Member
2054 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Honestly? I hate going through hoops for weddings. My energy is a precious thing, and it was even MORE precious when my baby was a newborn. If you’re not accommodating me, I’m not going. It really is that simple. 

Post # 34
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I would just decline as it seems like too much hassle, but second choice would be have your parents watch the baby if they are up for it. I would not leave any of my children with a random person at any age.

Post # 35
Member
3151 posts
Sugar bee

My parents would have been pumped to fly in and watch their granddaughter for an evening (and in fact have done that for us in the past when we had an important event to attend). They live in another state and are always up for any excuse to see us and make a long weekend out of it. It’s a win win for everyone. So I wouldn’t feel at all bad about that if they’re into the idea. Though with COVID it is unlikely air travel will be a good idea, especially for seniors, by the spring. 

ETA: The nursing thing is a separate question and you won’t know until you’re in the situation what that looks like for you and your baby. At 3 months, my baby was on a bottle strike, so I would’t have been able to be apart from her for more than 2-3 hours max. But if you could get a hotel near the venue and pop back to nurse, that could probably work. Hopefully your baby will do fine with bottles though and it’ll be moot.

It ultimately comes down to a) how badly you want to attend this wedding (you can decide that now); and b) what your comfort level is with leaving a 3m baby with someone else for a few hours (you won’t know how you feel about this til you’re in the situation). 

Also I agree with pp that your friend’s justification for no kids (“we want people to relax and enjoy as many cocktails as they want!” comes off as super tone deaf. All I’ll say about that is …if this couple ends up having kids of their own, they’ll look back on that choice and feel rightly embarrassed about it lol. 

Post # 36
Member
9444 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@emfaye:  If your parents don’t want to make the trip I’d decline. I don’t let non-family/close friends watch my kids until they are verbal – I want them to be able to tell me if the babysitter does something wrong! 

When my daughter was 4 months old we had two weddings in the same weekend. Friday night in NYC and Saturday night in Portland, ME. She was invited to NYC but not Portland so we took the train to New York, attended the wedding, flew to Maine where my mom met us (only an hour drive for her) to watch the baby at the hotel, and then we all drove home together. It worked out well but I wouldn’t do that for just anyone. These were really good friends that I would have been heartbroken to miss their weddings. 

Post # 37
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I would not let a stranger watch my 3 month old….heck no! I’m sure you’ll learn but sometimes when you’re a parent if a sitter is a problem you just don’t attend. Is what it is, she chose not to accommodate. Asking your parents to fly in seems like a bit much…but if it works for you then why not? But don’t leave baby with a stranger for a wedding. 

Post # 38
Member
9635 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i hate when people want a kid free wedding but don’t want to own it. “they want people to enjoy themselves and be able to have “multiple cocktails” ” as you state in the OP. but maybe you are not  drinker or would enjoy it more bc your 3 month old is with you.  maybe you’ll be stressing more bc your child is with a stranger.

how close a friend?  how much do you want to attend the wedding?  it seems a lot of extra expense for your parents travel and room.

if the strange will be watching the baby in the hotel, i’d be fine with it.  i could leave the wedding anytime to check on the baby and nurse if needed then go back to the party.

Post # 39
Member
2290 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh man, I am torn. OTOH, my first baby I had to leave at 4mo to go to a new job training and so did my husband. My parents were out of town, in laws out of town, sister out of town all on the same weekend. We HAD to get a “stranger” (my SISTERS mother in law lol) to come to our house and watch my 4mo for 2 nights until DH got back in town. I was a WRECK. I cried and cried and felt like the worst mom and was for sure my baby was going to be traumatized being dumped on a lady that he’d never even seen. Anyways… it was fine. She did great and so did I, all things considered. But it was HARD to leave my baby like that for the first time. So hard. I used to eyeroll new moms so much until I was one.

But, we’ve traveled a fair bit with babies and let me tell ya, it is really exhausting until you get a system down. We prob overdo it, but you’re thinking Pack n Plays, monitors, pump equipment, extra everything: diapers, wipes, outfits,… I always packed a thermometer and extra things like Tylenol or gas drops. We used the Owlet sock on mine and always took that thing with us to hook up to WiFi. Travel sound machine, travel blackout curtains (not as necessary with a 3mo… but still). We had a travel baby bath. I mean– it was fkn ridic. By the time you pack it all up, load up the car, get on the road (stop multiple times), get where you’re going, unpack, set all the shit up and get to where you’re going it rarely ever seems worth it. Add on top of that being 3m post partum. You may feel like having a night out, I did with my first! With my second, I did not feel like doing anything that resembled putting on nice clothes until closer to 5-6 months out. My boobs were huge, leaky and lopsided and I felt perpetually covered in spit up and just… no. 

So, you’ll just never know how you’ll feel and it’s a lot for one wedding. I would make a game time decision closert to the event and RSVP as late as possible and try to book a spot that has a decent cancellation policy.

Post # 40
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

I think some people here are being dramatic about how exhausted you’ll be at that point. I went back to work at 12 weeks, as did most people I know, and we managed to stay awake all day and get stuff done, so I’m sure you could handle attending a wedding.

however, I think traveling 3 hours to the event with the baby seems like a hassle. I think it would make more sense for your parents to come stay at your house to watch the baby while you and husband travel to the wedding on your own.

Post # 41
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I would see if parents can come up, if they decline, I’d probably decline the invite. I’d say I was more energetic than your average 3-month postpartum mom (we traveled around the world to NZ for 3 weeks) and relatively laid back about handing my baby off….but traveling 3 hours for a wedding and handing baby off to a stranger would have tested even my limits. Plus I would have had to go back to baby to nurse or would have had to bring a pump at somepoint in the wedding or else the leakage would have been impossible to hide (no matter how many pads I’d stuff down my bra). 

If your parents can come up and if you can easily pop back and forth between baby and wedding (assuming nursing) than I’d probably go for it. Otherwise I’d decline.

Post # 42
Member
9444 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@ajillity81:  this. Plus what non-parents forget is that after a “night off” we still have to be parents again. And pretty darn early in the morning! Babies and toddlers don’t give a shit if you had a couple cocktails last night and are realizing you can’t handle your booze as well as you did in college anymore. It’s 6am and it’s play time.  

Post # 43
Member
2294 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

So we had a wedding to go to earlier this year. Unfortunately I couldn’t go with my 3mo old because Covid. But my husband was in the wedding so he went and socially distanced. The wedding was 3.5hrs away. Our plan was to have my parents come to that city and watch the baby. They would have stayed at the same hotel that the reception was at in a room next to ours. They would have watched her during the ceremony and I would have come back after the ceremony and nursed/played with her for a bit, then gone to dinner and danced a bit then come back for the night. We would have driven there Saturday and driven back first thing on Sunday. Since Covid was a thing, my husband went to the wedding and my parents picked me up and drove with me to the lake house for that weekend so they could help me watch the baby. Here is my experience on traveling with a 3mo old: 

If you want to do this, you can. It may be hard, sure, but you have to take the baby out sometime. But I would only go if your parents can go. You will not feel comfortable leaving a 3mo old with a stranger. Also, you will not feel like partying all night or anything. It was just my husband at the wedding and he was back in his hotel room by 10PM because he was so tired and looking forward to a night of sleep all by himself! 

If you’re nursing, you will be nursing/pumping every 3 hours so you need to take that into account. You will have to take your pumping stuff with you on the trip. You should get a hotel room close to the reception so you can go back to your room and nurse/pump a couple of times. Also, wear a pumping friendly dress. You can pump at the reception as well, but you will need your pumping bag (which is usually about the size of an overnight bag) and a small cooler to keep the milk with you at the reception. Also pumping in a bathroom stall is gross and inconvenient so you might ask if the reception has a nursing room. 

If you are going to take a 3mo old baby to a hotel or airbnb you need to do Taking Cara Babies when they are a newborn. By 3mo my baby was sleeping through the night, but not all babies are, in fact most are not (we got super lucky). She slept in a bassinet in our room so we just took the bassinet to the lake house with us so she was at least sleeping in her own bed. Oh and you’ll need their sound machine and possibly their monitor as well. (We packed up the entirety of my dad’s truck bed when we went to the lake!) But take into consideration that they will probably not be sleeping through the night and see how you feel about dealing with a crying baby in a strange place (for both of you). 

When you drive there plan the drives around their naps. The good thing about traveling with babies that young is they sleep a lot. But also double the drive time. Because they will pass out in the car, but they will still need to stop and eat every 3 hours. Plus any diaper changes, etc. The 3 hour trip to the lake took us 5 by the time we stopped and fed her, let her stretch out a little bit, changed some diapers and got all packed back in. Nothing is quick with a baby! 

Honestly, I would RSVP at the last possible second. Its okay to ask your parents if they can go, and you can even book the hotel/Airbnb as long as you can cancel close to the event. Every person is different, so you may feel great at 3mo and like you’re ready to get out (I did) or you may feel awful and just want to stay home (most of my friends were at this stage at 3mo). See if the bride and groom will let you be a strong maybe! Our friends were super cool and let us make the decision as to if we would go at the last minute. (FWIW, we declined all other wedding invitations this summer. Covid and baby related). In the end you can do it if you really want to, but it won’t be super easy. And having a baby changes you. I (the consummate party girl before baby) didn’t want to drink, dance or go out at all. I really just wanted to be with the baby all day and night. I also had some pretty severe PPA so I am not sure if I even could have been away from her that long! Luckily I got some help for that, but you just don’t know where you will be. My baby blues lasted a long time. Breastfeeding was super challenging. All of this plays in your emotional state and you may just not feel like it is worth the effort. You just won’t know until your little one gets here! Good luck! 

Post # 44
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

Many 3 month old babies will refuse to eat from a bottle. And they’re so, so little you probably won’t want to leave them yet.

So I would plan on declining.

If your friend is a good one they’ll understand.

Post # 45
Member
3678 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

The parents thing sounds like a good idea…. EXCEPT Covid??!?!  I know you said to ignore Covid, but ignoring it is what has gotten us into this mess…. no way would I ask my parents to fly anywhere this spring.

But if the parents thing didn’t work out, I would just skip it.  I wouldn’t want to leave my 3 month old baby with a rando.  Sorry friend.

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