No-kids wedding; 3 month old

posted 9 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
3707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

The parents thing sounds like a good idea…. EXCEPT Covid??!?!  I know you said to ignore Covid, but ignoring it is what has gotten us into this mess…. no way would I ask my parents to fly anywhere this spring.

But if the parents thing didn’t work out, I would just skip it.  I wouldn’t want to leave my 3 month old baby with a rando.  Sorry friend.

 

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@LilliV:  Babies and toddlers don’t give a shit if you had a couple cocktails last night and are realizing you can’t handle your booze as well as you did in college anymore. It’s 6am and it’s play time.

Haha, right?  Or in our case when our son was 3 months old – he was awake at 4 am, for good!  Staying up late and partying would have been my worst nightmare, and I’m someone who likes to stay up late and party.

Edit: oops sorry, double post sorta.

Post # 47
Member
790 posts
Busy bee

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@KittyYogi:  100%. Would you feel justified in doing this if you knew it would kill one of your parents. Because given their assumed ages and the heightened risks with traveling and mingling with other non household members – that is the risk OP is taking. 

Post # 50
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@emfaye:  so I have a 3 month old, and he is still feeding approx every 2 hrs. At night he will do a big feed then sleep from approx 8pm – 11pm, and still wake a few more times during the night. He is a pretty chill baby, but is starting to experience some anxiety when I’m not there. He is suddenly really hard to put down, and I baby wear and contact nap to make him happy. I can’t leave him with my partner for longer than 30mins to an hour at the moment without him becoming very unsettled, and my partner is capable and he loves our child (obviously). There’s no way I could leave this bub with a random babysitter.  

The other thing that you can’t know until you’ve had a baby is this – you may desperately not want to be separated from him/her. I would rather sit on the couch in my pjs and cuddle and feed my bubba than go through the stress of pumping milk, frocking up with leaky milk tits, then passing my baby over to ANYONE. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself. And quite frankly I would feel this way if the wedding was next door, let alone hours away. 

i think you should tell your friend that you are only able to attend if your bub can come along, but that you understand if she says no. 

 

Post # 51
Member
1918 posts
Buzzing bee

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@emfaye:   “No kids are allowed because they want people to enjoy theirselves and be able to have “multiple cocktails” (ith the exception of immediate family members who can bring kids). “

This is rubbish.  For a start, the bride & groom don’t get to dictate how you enjoy yourself, and not everyone needs to abandon their kids and get legless on cocktails to have fun!  (And if that were true, by getting ‘immediate family members’ to bring their kids, they’re basically making sure their closest family don’t enjoy the wedding!)  I just wish people would be honest about not wanting kids at their wedding instead of being hypocritical and pretending it’s all for the good of their guests who have kids.  It makes me so mad!

I don’t have kids myself, but all my friends do, and I can’t think of a single one who would have been happy to leave their first-time baby with a strange babysitter in a strange town at that stage.  And as other posters have said, you’ve no idea what you will feel like about socialising away from your baby at that point.  Unless you are desperate to go to this wedding, I’d decline…and tbh, I don’t think your friend will be surprised by that.  You’ve already raised concerns about leaving a newborn and she’s still chosen to go ahead with a child-free wedding, which tells me that she doesn’t care if you come or not.  If she truly wanted you there, she’d be bending over backwards to make it easy for you to bring the baby.

Post # 52
Member
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Unless this was like my BFF in the whole wide world, or a sister or something, I would completely decline and not feel bad about it for a second.

I would never leave my 3 month old with a complete stranger, that would be out of the question completely. Taking your child to a daycare you have personally vetted and where everyone is trained in CPR etc, so you can WORK is not the same thing as getting some rando for a wedding IMO.

The only option I personally would consider is if my parents came to the hotel with me and watched the baby. And even then I’d probably leave shortly after the reception started. Because like pp said the baby doesn’t care how many drinks you’ve had when they wake up at 5:00 am for the day.

Post # 53
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think everyone on here is being a bit harsh honestly. Many mothers are already back at work at 3 months so presumably you’ve found a way to make bottles work even if you are successful at breastfeeding. My baby was also sleeping at great stretches at that point (and sometimes through the night) until her 4 month sleep regression hit. So much of this will depend on you as parents and the baby. I think your plan sounds doable if your parents are willing. 

Post # 54
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2022

I’m sorry, but your friend is being a b**ch for not allowing a tiny 3 month old to be there.  It’s not like your baby will be requiring a meal or taking up a seat at the table ffs!!!  Decline and send a gift.  Why inconvenience yourself and your parents, who may have plans themselve anyways! 

I understand not wanting screaming toddlers on the dancefloor (my own wedding will be child free), but if a friend had a newborn…no big deal.

Post # 55
Member
6297 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Some of these comments….sheesh. Have we forgotten that at 3 months many moms are back to work? Unless you’re someone who has the luxury of extended time off. Plenty of people manage to function as a human at 3mpp. 😉 I think we tend to have a bit of a stacked deck on the bee with many moms who are able to stay home or have extended maternity leave and when that’s the case you’re often less comfortable with the idea of using a babysitter or leaving your kid. Plenty of kids are going to daycare or a sitter at that point because their parents work. Also many moms are nursing and pumping. 

Here’s the thing OP, at the end of the day you have absolutely no idea what your situation will be like. Most people are replying based on their own personal experiences and comfort levels – and that’s the thing with parenting – everyone is different. I’m sure there are plenty of people who were completely non-funcitoning at 3mpp and wouldn’t dare leave their child or give a bottle and wouldn’t care to attend a wedding. That’s totally OK. There are also going to be people who would be totally fine with their parents coming in to watch the baby and enjoy a night ok. The reality is you won’t know which camp you fall into until the time comes. 

FWIW, I’m a mom and also had a kid-free wedding. I’m completely pro kid-free weddings and am firmly of the camp that becoming a parent means that there will be times you need to decline an invitation if the requirements don’t fit your comfort level. Why should a couple make an exception for their wedding they are paying a considerable amount of money on because you (general you, not you personally) decided to expand your family? Being a parent means you’re gonna have to miss out on some things in life and that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Does it stink? Yeah, but that’s life. 

Personally I would have been fine to attend a wedding at 3mpp. And actually as a wedding photographer I *was* attending weddings at 3mpp. 😉 And leaving my child with a sitter…..the horror!! I will admit that I tend to be a tad more relaxed as a parent, although that’s a perk of making our home in the small town I grew up in…I know everyone and feel comfortable using a new sitter because odds are even if they haven’t babysat before I know them, their parents, their siblings, etc. 

I would have been totally ok with my parents coming in to watch my baby and attend a wedding as guest. If money and logistics are no issue, and your parents are up for it, by all means do it. Worst case you get to the wedding and you’re missing your kid or don’t want to be there you just leave and head home. But just because I would have been fine with it doesn’t mean anyone else should be – it’s all about personal comfort level. 

Post # 56
Member
875 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@starfish0116:  right?! My coworker’s maternity leave was only 2 weeks when she worked in mental health. Where we work now it is 6 weeks. This wedding definitely sounds like a huge hassle but I can’t believe people are saying you can’t leave your 3 month old for more than 2 hours at a time. Welcome to America, guys.

Post # 56
Member
1957 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I wouldn’t go to the wedding, sadly.  There is nothing that annoys me more than seeing people say “we want you to enjoy yourselves” for their reason of not wanting kids at their wedding.  (I have zero problem with child free weddings, I just hate people projecting what THEY think might make people happy).

I don’t have kids, but if I did, I’d be willing to bet everything I have that I would NOT be having a good time knowing a stranger was watching my 3 month old.  Nope nope nope.  That wouldn’t happen.  If my parents could go with and watch my child, and it wouldn’t be a huge inconvenience for them, then I’d consider going to the wedding.  

If your parents 

Post # 58
Member
6297 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@emsie:  It’s crazy! I think we definitely have a culture that makes moms feel bad for even considering the notion of leaving their kid! Like “OMG you want to LEAVE your baby and go to a wedding?! Out of the question!!!” 🙄Sure, everyone needs to do what is right for them and if you are someone who absolutely does not feel comfortable leaving your baby at 3 months by all means don’t do it. But this constant thought on the bee that everyone is telling new moms they couldn’t possible feel up to XYZ after having a baby is insane. The number of comments I read on threads like these where moms are saying they couldn’t get dressed or leave their house. Is that real life? It feels like everytime an expecting mom posts a “what should I do about this” post on here people come out of the woodwork to tell her she couldn’t possibly feel up to leaving her house. Now if this was someone saying they had a wedding at 2wpp? Sure I’d say odds are you aren’t going to make it, but at 3 months I feel like most people are genearlly back up and running for the most part. 

I have a huge circle of friends who had all kinds of deliveries – some easy, some horrible (like mine!!) who had babies who never slept or were awesome. I don’t know anyone who at 3mpp couldn’t function. Now they might not have *felt* like going to a wedding and would have probably declined, but it wasn’t for lack of physically being able to. 

Post # 59
Member
3250 posts
Sugar bee

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@starfish0116:  yeah I kind of agree. I’m trying to remember but at 3m pp I was in something resembling a groove and I think I would have been happy to attend a friend’s wedding for a few hours, knock back and have some drinks and unwind baby free! …that is, provided I had a childcare option I was comfortable with. The main obstacle would have been breastfeeding because my baby wasn’t taking a bottle at that point, but that’s cause I worked from home and could nurse on demand so we never had to overcome the bottle resistance. 

It reminds me, I went to a destination bachelorette party a few years ago (before I had kids), and one of the girls who flew in for it was two months postpartum. She completely rocked it and had a blast … she said it was such an amazing and much needed little escape. Her husband watched the baby solo all weekend like any dad should be willing and able to do! She was formula feeding which made it easier but still, I remember thinking damn ok so life is possible after baby, good to know! At 2m pp I probably wouldn’t have attended a destination bach party myself but that’s more breastfeeding related than anything else. 

Post # 60
Member
820 posts
Busy bee

I would probably decline the wedding. But if you can afford to pay for your parents to come up that’s a good option too.

I definitely wouldn’t leave a three month old with a stranger. It’s very different from leaving them at a licensed daycare with multiple professional/vetted employees. 

I assume you’re also basing this on COVID being in a very different place than we are right now, which to be honest, is very unlikely. I think you’ll be more likely to need to decline for that reason. 

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