No-kids wedding; 3 month old

posted 7 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 61
Member
753 posts
Busy bee

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@starfish0116:  “I think we tend to have a bit of a stacked deck on the bee with many moms who are able to stay home or have extended maternity leave”

It’s us non-US posters, most countries have at least a year maternity leave (just so you know it’s not like a wealth/class thing).

But I do 100% agree with you that many people can still function independently when they have a 3 month old and they shouldn’t feel guilty for taking time for themselves. It probably actually helps your parenting in some cases becauase you get a much needed mental break.

Post # 62
Member
14144 posts
Honey Beekeeper

There’s a big difference to being back to a local routine, up and about or working at 3 months post partum or sooner and managing the logistics of an out of town or destination wedding. Personally, I managed the former fairly easily, and turned down invitations to the latter. 

A licensed daycare or nanny that is vetted by you with accountability to agencies as well as supervisors and co-workers is completely different than an out of town stranger. The only people I could ever trust in that situation would be immediate family. 

I think all this will still be moot this spring. Masks and distancing will still be with us for some time even as people are getting vaccinated. 

Post # 63
Member
6952 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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@weddingmaven:  Completely agree. I went back to work right at 12 weeks and left my baby all days with a “stranger.” But that person was vetted by me and my husband in a very thorough search beforehand and even worked with me in the home for a full week before I went back to work. Totally different than traveling out of town to a wedding and leaving my baby in the care of a legit complete stranger. Not that people haven’t ever done it, but it’s a big ask for a new parent and one that I’d EASILY be able to simply decline. 

Post # 64
Member
3673 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Agree with the recent PPs. Taking my 3 month old to daycare with his teachers that I knew, and driving 5 minutes to work, is way different than driving several hours to a wedding and leaving my little baby with a complete stranger so I could “go have fun and knock back some drinks” like the bride said.  Yeah, no.  I’m not a helicopter mom at all…. I was always ready for a chance to get out of the house and leave the baby with my husband or my parents for a little mental breather, and I do like to knock back drinks. But I would NOT have had fun leaving my baby with a stranger and going off to party.  I think this is something that a lot of people just don’t understand until you have a baby of your own.

I think the parent idea is a good one, IF Covid is resolved by then – which it won’t be, unless your parents are 65+ and high risk and can get the vaccine.

Post # 65
Member
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I’m a first time mom and have a 3 month old now. I am a really relaxed type of personality and low maintenance. But even I only really feel comfortable with my mom or my husband watching her without me home. My mil is amazing but I just get anxious at some of the positions she holds her in.

I think until your baby is 6 months old your primary fear is they will suffocate. Bizzare I know. Maybe other moms have other fears but that’s been my top concern with a baby so far. I put her in her car seat to the pediatrician and I worry she is squeezed too tight or her head is down too far. I put her in her bouncer and it freaked me out for a while that she would slouch too much and not breathe. I knew that once my baby was in the 6 month range where she is more mobile and able to hold her own head up I wouldn’t mind others watching her. But there is a certain level of protectiveness that you feel as a mom when your baby is super super vulnerable physically. 

all that would be me saying, no way in hell is anyone watching my 3 month old unless it’s my mom or husband. Chances are you’ll be way too freaked out to allow even a recommended babysitter to watch the baby. You’ll want to 100% know and trust the person. I’d skip the wedding or make it clear to the bride that unfortunately you can’t attend because of the baby but you wish them all the best. Say it in a card and include your gift and leave it at that. 

Post # 66
Member
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Wanted to add, I am lucky enough that my job is remote until March guranteed, I go back to work from home this January. I’m basically going to keep working until they tell me I have to be back in the office. I’m hoping they let me be permanently remote but if they don’t I’ll have to quit. I’m lucky to have a husband who makes enough to allow me to be a stay at home mom because I am not comfortable with putting our kids in daycare at all. So for us, if I can’t work remote and care for baby myself, than I will quit before I put our daughter in daycare. I don’t feel comfortable with anyone taking care of her but us. 

Post # 67
Member
14092 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wouldn’t attend the wedding. A three month old should be an exception to her no kids rule. If you are nursing, you’ll still need to feed the baby at 2-3 hour intervals which is just going to be a hassle to either leave and come back, leave really early, or arrive really late. 

At 3 months PP, I would not have wanted to go to a wedding, let alone travel for it and deal with having to leave my baby.

Post # 69
Member
1834 posts
Buzzing bee

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@starfish0116:  It’s sad to me that you consider a maternity leave longer than 12 weeks a luxury. As another poster pointed out, other countries (including the one that I live in) have much more generous leaves. In Canada you can now legally take 18 months away from your job. I was lucky enough to have a year off with both of my children and was more than ready to head back to the workforce when everything was said and done. 

OP- no one can tell you how you will be feeling, but it doesn’t matter if your friend with a 4 Mo old is fine with leaving her babe with a stranger and you’re not. Everyone is different and that’s ok. This is a bit nuts but with my first baby, I was a bridesmaid in my oldest friend’s wedding at 2 weeks PP. My DH was a groomsman in another wedding out of town that same weekend. Thankfully the wedding I was part of was in my city and the wedding was in a hotel so I got a room in the hotel and had my mom watch my LO while I was doing bridesmaid stuff. I was lucky enough that my DD would take a bottle so I pumped a bunch beforehand and would come up to nurse whenever I could. It was a bit insane as I was not even fully healed physically and I was up in bed by 9 pm. Personally, I’m not ok with strangers watching my kiddos yet and they are 3 and 1. That being said, there’s no way I would even consider any of this with COVID. It’s not going anywhere by the spring and my parents’ health, along with my little ones, and my own are much more important than attending a wedding.

Post # 70
Member
264 posts
Helper bee

If it’s a very good friend, I would try to attend. I traveled with a 4-month-old to an out of state wedding for a college roommate, including a plane flight and then a 2-hour drive. The reception also had the accommodations on-site, so my husband and I both attended the ceremony, then he went back to the room and watched our kid. I had to go back and pump a couple of times, but I loved seeing my friends and not being on baby duty. Everyone’s experiences with their babies are different, but I always welcomed a night out as long as I had a known babysitter.

Post # 71
Member
14144 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@emfaye:  “When I said I was pregnant she mentioned how she planned to have a no-kids wedding, but now she would have to re-think her plans to allow them. I also know she was looking for an on-site sitter at one point. So, I was just surprised when the website said no kids.”

It doesn’t have to be all or no children, and as improper as it was to post or print “No Kids” on her website, ie a “stay out, this means your kids” message is not very gracious, she may not have been referring to you. Nursing mothers can and often are the exceptions. An on-site sitter was a generous thought, but she will just have to understand if you’re not comfortable with it. 

It seems to me that you’re getting ahead of yourself on a number of things, with Covid, which will certainly not be all over with by spring, as well as with your friend’s intentions. I’d let her know now that you are uncomfortable leaving a 3 month old baby with any sitter and that it may affect your ability to attend. 

Post # 72
Member
1429 posts
Bumble bee

I know you said you will reevaluate in the spring to see what the COVID situation is. But I can tell you right now, it will not be gone and it will not be better in the US.

This whole conversation is a moot point because it would be extremely irresponsible for your friend to host a wedding in the spring and it would be extremely irresponsible for you to attend.

Post # 73
Member
7579 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@MrsMellyBean:  Oh I agree…it IS sad that in the US maternity leave is often only 12 weeks (sometimes less!). But that was part of my point, some people are lucky enough to have extended leave…either because they live in a country where that’s normal/expected or they’ve been fortunate enough to prepare for it financially or otherwise. Sadly, the fact is the vast majority of people in the US are back to work by 12 weeks. The bee is often heavily influenced by a more priveledged viewpoint and when it comes to parenting advice it’s always “oh I would NEVER let anyone watch my {insert age} month old” or “oh I would NEVER attend a blah blah blah”. Momming is hard, and I think it can be extremely overwhleming for a new mom to post for advice, when it seems like she WANTS to attend the event, only to have 95% of people tell her there’s absolutely no way she will want to get out of her pajamas as 3mpp. Barring a severe bout of PPD or other mental health issue, I don’t know anyone who physically couldn’t function at 3mpp to attend a wedding if they wanted to. But that’s my point to the OP – just because a lot of internet moms say they wouldn’t do it doesn’t mean she won’t want to. And she might not want to, but she won’t know until she’s actually in the thick of things. 🙂 

 

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@emfaye:  So my advice would be to just chat it over with your parents and see if this is something they’d want to do. If it is, I’d just keep your plans on the back burner and wait until it’s closer. This wedding is still a ways away and you haven’t even had your baby yet. I’d get a gameplan in action with your parents if they are willing, and the nfirm up your plans after delivery and you’ve had some time to adjust. And hang in there….parenting is one of the hardest, most humbling, stressful, and rewarding things you can do. While it feels rough at first, in all honesty about 3 months was when I felt like I hit a groove and really had it down! Plus IMO 3 months isn’t a horrible age to travel with. They need very little and are easy to transport!

Post # 74
Member
1834 posts
Buzzing bee

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@starfish0116:  for sure, I can see where you’re coming from. If this is an event that’s important to her and she feels up for it, it’s definitely doable! I also wanted to clarify that I wasn’t trying to shame anyone who has to, or even wants to go back to work at 12 weeks. I just meant more that it’s sad that it’s the norm where you are and often people have no choice :(. I also value my identity as a person outside of motherhood so it’s nice to have fun things to look forward to solo, and I too enjoy being a working mom. 

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