(Closed) No longer a BM?

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Any bees out there ask someone to be a bridesmaid and then want to recind the offer?


    No, but I wish I did.


  • Post # 3
    175 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    No need to lump everything into this one issue. Either you want her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor or you don’t. But with that, sometimes it means severing not only the title but also the relationship. Just know that regardless of the fact that she had this ridiculous demand, you seem to not want her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. Even if you had the conversation with her telling her that you were not in the position to afford such an extravagant gift and that you would hope that she would have come to your wedding even if she were not in it, it doesn’t seem like it would matter in the long run.

    I think that you should have a conversation with her leaving the flight mess to the side and focusing on how you feel about her disinterest in your wedding. But you should also be prepared with some things that you would like her to do for you. I think that sometimes women say “she did nothing for me” but at the same note, they’ve been silent on what they would have liked for her to do. If you say “I want you to be fully engaged when you get here and I need X,Y,Z from you” and she still seems disinterested then explain politely to her that your Bridesmaid or Best Man can take the brunt of these duties but that you feel bad that she is only a Bridesmaid or Best Man and that you would like to have two MOHs (if you want to salvage the relationship) OR that you would like her to be  Bridesmaid or Best Man and are replacing her since it seems like a more comfortable fit given her distance constraints.

    In ignoring that strange demand, I think she will realize that it is just irrational and insane and hopefully she will not bring it up again. I know that I wouldn’t.


    Post # 4
    3954 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I wouldn’t do it, but I also wouldn’t pay her flight and hotel if she didn’t need you to. Just tell her that she didn’t for you and you can’t really afford it, but be nice!

    Post # 5
    1263 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Obviously only you can know the full situation here, but I wouldn’t advise you to ask her to step down. Sure, it sounds a little rude, the way she asked if you were paying for her flights, but it may have been a genuine question with no rudeness intended (and perhaps she didn’t offer to pay for yours because she was waiting on you to ask?).

    Relieving her of her bridesmaid duties could really damage any relationship you have, so if you’re happy with that, then go for it, but otherwise, I’d advise you to just ignore her and let it go. I think you should have a talk to her (if you can’t do face-to-face, then try over the phone), to talk about her Maid/Matron of Honor duties – let her know that you can see she’s busy and you really need help organising the wedding, so your having bridesmaidX as Maid/Matron of Honor – give her the option to either step down or to be co-MOHs.

    The fact that you asked her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor indicates that she’s still somewhat important in your life, so I wouldn’t recommend damaging the relationship just because she can’t handle Maid/Matron of Honor duties.

    Post # 6
    1953 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Unless you want to completely end this friendship, I think you’re stuck keeping her as Maid/Matron of Honor, you could always promote the other Bridesmaid or Best Man to a second Maid/Matron of Honor. Definately don’t pay for her flight thats just ridiculus.

    Post # 9
    1263 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @peonies09: I don’t think that’s a very good reason for booting someone out of the bridal party (at least, not without having a good heart-to-heart with them first). Many people aren’t going to take the time off work for your wedding unless they absolutely have to – like you said, work’s important, and she’s got her bills to pay.

    If she misses the wedding, then that’s entirely up to her. She’s aware of how planes work and that there can be cancellations/delays. If she’s choosing to fly out at the last minute and is late, there’s not much you can do. No one in the world would judge you for a bridesmaid’s flight being delayed.

    To be honest, the tone from your posts suggests that you genuinely don’t want this woman as a bridesmaid and are looking for problems. Is there anything she has done or said that really seems to indicate she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/MOH?

    Post # 11
    5995 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @peonies09:  I think the final Friday night flight is a deal breaker, especially since she’s covering her @ss by saying other workers sometimes have to work late. She doesn’t seem committed to your wedding. I never think the parties or the organising are necessary to be Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man, but one thing that is necessary is a 100% commitment to be there. I get that it’s your wedding not hers, but I think when you’re in someone’s wedding you should be able to take a day out of your annual leave and travel on the Friday. Fly in at the last minute is for guests, not bridal party.

    I would ask if she still wants to be Maid/Matron of Honor. If she says yes is when it gets delicate…

    Post # 14
    83 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Yes, for a few days I toyed with idea, and then realised I was being crazy and wasn’t going to destroy a friendship, because life goes on after a wedding is over.

    The topic ‘No longer a BM?’ is closed to new replies.

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