(Closed) No longer expecting a proposal (long)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

I think where the OP is coming from is that she thought a proposal was coming based on the “hints” he was giving, and inevitably feels some disappointment when she realizes that it won’t be as soon as she had anticipated. I can understand why she feels that way even if it’s relatively early in the relationship, but yes, there’s plenty of time for her to discuss things with her SO so that they both feel ready and excited to get married.

Post # 18
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

It’s ok to feel disappointed. You feel what you feel.  Have you tried to talk to him about timeline? You mentioned he didn’t seem to have one. Maybe talk to him in a very soft loving way about your timeline for life. When you’d like to buy a home, have kids, etc. and how marriage plays into that. At least he will have a full understanding of your timeline. And talk to him about why marriage is important to you in achieving whatever life goals it plays into for you.  

My biggest fear for you is that his lack of a timeline may draw out for a very long time (looking at a previous long engagement, this is possible). I would hate for you to not know up front if his timeline totally conflicts with yours In an important area. Say you want to have kids in the next 3-5 years and he is thinning 7-9 years. It’s better for you to have the facts up front so you can make an educated decision on your future and what is most important to you. 

Post # 19
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery

I posted something similar last year and got the same responses… I’m sorry bees are putting you down! 

My husband and I met in summer of 2012 and started dating in the winter. We knew instantly we were right for each other. He was dropping hints like crazy by 3 months. I also thought we went ring shopping but we were just picking up my necklace. Little did I know he had already purchased a ring so he didn’t want to look and I thought that meant he didn’t actually plan on proposing. However, he did at our 6 month and we got married 6 months later! I know to some it seems fast but frankly I don’t care what other people think. We went through hell and back in that first year, including the loss of 4 pregnancies, deaths in the family, insane mothers and a not-so-great wedding. but we’ve made it and are very happy. You and your guy are the only ones that can decide what’s right for y’all. If I had listened everyone, I wouldn’t be married to the man of my dreams right now.

The only reason I wish we had waited till spring was so that we could’ve had a better wedding. But that was only one day and we have a lifetime together!

do what feels right to you. Talk to him about how your feeling and make sure y’all are on the same page. 🙂

 

Post # 20
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Hey OP, sorry, and I understand! Don’t feel bad…everyone is on their own timeline.

For me personally, once I got to the age where I could see myself getting engaged, I knew I wasn’t willing to stay in any relationship for more than a year without an engagement. If I knew for a fact that a proposal was coming in a couple months fine, but my ideal would have been about 6 months in. I actually got engaged sooner than that, and I know to many people that seems crazy! But from my perspective, I’m not willing to live with someone or spend years building a partnership with them without a real commitment. So it’s a “to each their own” kind of thing I think 😉

Anyhow I think you can try to talk to him honestly and explain that you felt a little bit confused, and be honest about your own personal timeline– that you’re not disappointed because you need to be engaged right this minute, and that another year to decide would be fine, but you can’t help comparing yourself to his ex, and feel confused by the mixed signals.

Post # 21
Member
4501 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t think a year is too early. I think given that you had looked at rings etc it was a natural extrapolation to assume a proposal was coming.

Sorry you are feeling disappointed, I would actually raise this with him so it does not cause frustration/ resentment.

Post # 22
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

If you are both over 30 then you should have some idea of where this relationship is headed after a year

They say statistically that men KNOW somewhere between 12 and 18 months.

Maybe you want to hold out to the 18 month mark before you make your next move… but that is up to you

Be it now or later, you need to be sharing your LIFE PLAN & TIMELINE, I take it from your post that you haven’t done that yet

After that, it isn’t the case of an Ultimatum… just that you’ve laid it all out there YOUR LIFE / YOUR PLANS

Then it is up to them… you need to listen very carefully both to what he does say… and what he doesn’t (omissions)

Then you’ll know.  And you’ll be able to decide… stay or go.

You are an AWESOME woman… live your own life… don’t waste it sitting around for some guy.  If he wants you in your life he’ll make it happen.  If he doesn’t, you can move on and find someone else who will come into your life and see you for the INCREDIBLE Woman that you are, and want to marry you BEFORE you get away, and someone else “makes their move”

I suggest that you get your hands on the Book by Greg Behrendt entitled “He’s Just Not Into You” (you can find it at a Bookstore, Library, or On-Line) and read the Chapter entitled “If He Doesn’t Want to Marry You” then you’ll be able to gauge what kind of guy he is (given his history with the other girl)

Is it a case of he wasn’t ready then, she wasn’t the right girl… or he just isn’t the marrying type (lots of excuses)

You sure as H3LL don’t want to waste any more time than necessary with the latter

Good luck

 

Post # 23
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I understand what you mean. A year is a good time to know when and what the timeline is for moving forward in the future. I am not a bee who would hang around for  a decade to get engaged. It sounds like that may not be who you are either. Please, don’t be like the girl who was engaged for four or five years to this man. Don’t waste your time. His last relationship has nothing to do with you, and that is no excuse for him to hesitate.

I also think the e-ring shopping thing was odd; you two have to sit down and have a real discussion about this issue. My Fiance and I discussed that if we got engaged sooner rather than later, we would have a longer engagement. We got engaged at a year and nine months (I thought it would have been a year or two longer) and will be engaged a bit over 2 years (I was going to drag it out longer at first, haha). If he does not seem to want to give a real timeline in six months to a year from now, you have to decide if you truly want to wait “until he is ready” especially if it means you will be hanging around longer without even being engaged. Good luck to you. 

Post # 24
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Evanstobe:  Sorry some of the bees were so harsh and kind of mean, really. I’m just posting to give you support. I think you should talk to him and clear up the misunderstanding. Also, at first I thought that maybe he had commitment issues based on his former relationship and engagement, but if he’s 31 and he’s been with you for a year and he was with his ex at least 6 years ago, he must have been 25 or younger when he proposed. To me, that’s still pretty young. Don’t compare this relationship to his last. I think he’s just being careful. Hopefully you get your proposal in time. 

Post # 25
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

@Evanstobe:  True a year is not enough time to really be “in waiting”, but you should take note of the fact that this guy seems to have some committment issues. Why was he engaged for 5 years? That’s a very long time. You might want to think about whether or not you’d be happy staying with him without ever getting married.

Post # 26
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Evanstobe:  Even though it has only been a year– I do understand why you’d be disappointed that if you thought you guys went ring shopping– only to find out you didn’t.

First things first:  never compare yourself to his ex.  He was a lot younger when he was with her- sounds like they were together 6 years, yes?  On general– it’s never a good idea to compare yourself to an ex (although we’re all human, so it’s not like I don’t get it, to a degree).

 

My husband proposed to me after 10 months, and we had talked about marriage long before that AND looked at rings online together.  I totally would have been bummed if he waited months after that LOL–

Regardless of your age, I think it’s only fair for you to know where this relationship is headed.  If he can’t handle that conversation, I’d take a step back and ask why I am sticking around with this guy (because for me, it’s a major turn-off if a guy can’t even handle the conversation).

I’d start with a convo, and go from there.  Just remember, try to keep it light-hearted, but on track.  You don’t want him to feel like he’s being grilled or interviewed– but rather like you’re genuinely interested in what he’s thinking!

Post # 27
Member
2346 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Evanstobe:  This sounds eerily similar to my situation…

First of all, a year is not that long especially for someone who’s had the emotional trauma of a broken engagement.  My Fiance and I met when I was 26, he was 28.  Within a year, I knew what I wanted us to be and never had a second thought about it. 

It took him nearly 3 more years to catch up to me!!!!!

Turns out he was very concerned about our future and securing money for the both of us, being able to take care of me, make sure he was totally out of debt and he didn’t want to rely on anyone but us to give us the wedding we want. 

It’ll come, just give it time.  As much as I “pressured” my Fiance before he was ready to, financially or emotionally, I’m happy I waiting until he was 100% in the place where he wanted to be to ask me.  To both of us, there is no turning back, and we only plan on doing this once. 

Post # 28
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@Evanstobe:  I realized that many times he has the intention of doing something, but has trouble with execution (getting his hair cut, doing dishes, boring chores, etc). If he can’t even go get a haircut when I remind him to, why did I think he would be motivated to propose soon?

 
My Fiance is exactly the same; getting stuff done can be very difficult for him. He tends to create reasons in his head NOT to do something (because he’s so worried about making a mistake that he’d rather not take any action at all), and this can be extremely frustrating for me because I am a type A personality who loves to organise and plan things. So it’s usually up to me to give him a push in the right direction. He’s working on that aspect of his personality though, and I think I’ve been a good influence on him when it comes to that.
 
However, he did buy an engagement ring, picked a date to propose (our 3rd anniversary) and proposed on that date (and no, I didn’t know he would propose on that date). So someone being a procrastinator doesn’t mean that they will never propose.
 
It should also be mentioned that he was briefly engaged before; he proposed because the relationship had fallen apart and he saw it as a last-ditch attempt to fix things. No wedding planning ever took place (because he wasn’t really planning on getting married to her), and within 6 months the relationship was completely over. This experience didn’t deter him from moving in with me (he never lived with anyone before) and proposing to me, and he’s been so excited about wedding planning and can’t wait to marry me. He’s been very involved in the planning as well.
 
How long have you been with your SO?

Post # 29
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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@Evanstobe:  I’m sorry you’re feeling jumped on and judged. I really think you should be discussing this with your SO though. He is the only one who can actually explain what is going through his head right now and is the only one who can tell you what he really is thinking when it concerns the future of your relationship.

Post # 30
Member
3245 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@Evanstobe:  Holy cow, people have been rude to you on here. Unfortunately there are a lot of (sometimes rather bitter) people who have been waiting for many years and it comes out when someone who hasn’t been in the same relationship for a super long time, like yourself, posts. Which is not OK. Unfortunately sometimes the Bee goes through cycles of rudeness and niceness, and this time of year rudeness tends to be high (some people got engaged over the holidays, some people are sad and frustrated that they didn’t get engaged, lots of people are embarking on the first stages of wedding planning and are stressed, etc.). I’ve been on the Bee for almost 3 years now, so I’m starting to realize there are patterns to these things!

You absolutely have a right to wonder about your future and how committed your relationship is! Without being snarked at about the length of your relationship. Time and committedness/knowing each other well do not always equate to the same thing. My good friend was with her current boyfriend for 3 months when they started talking about having kids together; my FI’s parents dated for only a few months before being married! And my Fiance and I were together for 4 1/2 years before he proposed, and I was what I would call “waiting” for 2 of those years. Everyone is different. 

Anyway, I hear that you’re sad and resigned to the fact that you’ll likely be waiting longer than you thought. That’s a yucky feeling– I dealt with that over and over. But think about how strong your love for each other is; think about how well you get along and how you make each other happy, and how much you enjoy still getting to know each other. That stuff means a lot and goes toward having a steady, healthy relationship and hopefully marriage someday. The security of knowing you both want to marry each other is a huge thing, and it is very stressful not to have it sometimes once you realize the person you’re with is the one you want to marry, but that’s one of those experiences that a lot of us end up living through, and being OK on the other end of it.

I think that if your SO says all the time that he wants to marry you, he wants to have a family with you, etc., that’s a very good sign! But he may not yet be ready to make that a reality. My Fiance said things to that effect a lot the first year we were together, but we weren’t ready to commit to each other in that way yet. It takes some time.

Have you talked seriously about considering getting married? Because I think talking about it, repeatedly, is important in helping you both get to a place where it seems like a reality rather than a longed-for and scary idea. That would probably be the best way to tackle this. 

Also, like others have said, don’t waste your time and energy comparing yourself and your relationship to his ex!!! Not worth it!

Post # 31
Member
3245 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@Olivepepper:  +1, I agree that it would be good for the OP to be open about her disappointment over the looking at rings thing.

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