(Closed) No longer interested in being involved in this wedding.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 78
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

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@peachacid:  I’m with you on this.

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@1stRosie:  I got married at city hall with just family, no bridal party and had a big (well…100 people) cocktail party the next day.  I had friends who were upset that they weren’t invited to the ceremony or in the bridal party.  I had people say that the cocktail party wasn’t a wedding reception because I was “already married”.  Do I agree?  Nope.  Do they have a right to their feelings?  Yup.  

I apologized to my friends (one in particular) who cared so much about me that they wanted to stand up with me and/or support my marriage through their presence.  It hurt me that people initially felt that because I didn’t want to have the whole traditional wedding reception I was somehow duping them into a “party.  When you do things differently and exclude people (whether fair or not), you have to be prepared for people to feel the way they feel.  You don’t “allow” someone to feel any way…they feel the way they feel.  You can say “I’m really sorry that I hurt you and that you feel that way.  I was trying to do xyz”, but you shouldn’t be negating someone’s feelings just because you don’t agree.  That’s being as obtuse as she is about this shower/Miami/etc.

I think that she’s being crazypants unreasonable about the amount of money and time that she is “demanding” from you.  I think that you’re being unreasonable about hurting her feelings.  You guys aren’t communicating and I think that until you both listen to eachother, this isn’t going to get better and you are going to loose the friendship.

Post # 80
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

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@1stRosie:  I agree with you that she’s being passive agressive and hurtful and that doesn’t get a pass.  I’m an upfront person too (or, at least, I try to be).  

To be clear, I think that she’s being horrible to you and was really out of line with her comment about your wedding.  I just think that you are being dismissive- like she is about your wedding decisions.  I would be hurt (if I were her) that someone I thought enough of to ask to stand up with me for my wedding didn’t want to inconveince me and didn’t invite me to the one event that they had (casual or not) to celebrate their wedding.  I would wonder what I did to make them think I wouldn’t at least try to be there.  That might be a really difficult conversation to have for a lot of people…and maybe some empathy needs to thrown her way?  Just a thought.

She’s proving that she avoids difficult conversations (the shower, your wedding, etc) and that sucks amongst good friends.  I get why that would piss you off.  But what you see as self-evident, she clearly doesn’t…and you both seem like you would rather be right than work it out. You’re both entrenched in your positions and that doesn’t make for a happy time.

Anyway, clearly you care about her and clearly she thinks a lot of you.  Bridal-brain assinine behaviour aside (because there’s not much of an excuse for her demanding that much money- I may have choked on my coffee about the shower amount), if she is someone who you want in your life, you might have to back away from the all or nothing approach…

 

 

Post # 81
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I  personally would send her a link to this post

Post # 82
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@1stRosie:  If you care about this friendship, you should REALLY try to see why she would be upset.  Even if she’s not saying to you, “1stRosie, I am upset because you did not invite me to your engagement party or to your wedding.  It makes me think you don’t want me around,” she is probably still feeling that way.  

How old are you guys?

Post # 83
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

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@1stRosie:  No probs… I honestly think you’ve done nothing wrong here.

But I think what it comes down to is, do you want to continue the friendship? That’s the key thing here. Don’t feel bad if the answer is no… I would have bailed out a LONG time ago!

Post # 84
Member
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think the long and short of it is that she’s being far too demanding. If this relationship is really important to you, I would try to get through to her that asking you to spend this much money on her wedding is out of the question. Based on the comments she’s made about your upcoming wedding, however, I think I would just bow out now and cut my losses.

Whether or not you invited her to your wedding and/or engagement party really has nothing to do with her asking you to fly out to a second bachelorette party and to chip in $350 for her shower. In your situation, I would have invited this friend to my engagement party, although I wouldn’t have hosted a party in my honor or hosted a party and not have provided food/drinks to the guests.

At this point, that’s neither here nor there. You just need to figure out if you can stand to put up with her demands and remain in the wedding party or if you need to permanently damage the friendship by stepping down as a bridesmaid.

Post # 85
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

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@sanjessica:  Agreed- weddings bring out the worst in people!!!

Post # 87
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would drop out and not give her a dime. This is bananas.

Post # 88
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

$350 per Bridesmaid???  First of all, I was a bridesmaid in my best friend’s wedding and I paid for very little for the shower….  This just reminds me of the movie Bridesmaids.  Seems like you need to sit the Maid/Matron of Honor and bride down in front of the tv, make them watch it, and take notes.  Lame.

Post # 89
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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@1stRosie:  that seems a little excessive. You guys couldn’t have went to a restaraunt and gotten something all-inclusive? Sometimes those are like $30/40 per plate. 

Post # 90
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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@peachacid:  I agree with you

Post # 91
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

The rest of the bees have said all I want to say about your friend and her whiny demands.  I have two words for you.

DROP OUT.

This is going to come to blows and more heartache otherwise.

 

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