No longer waiting…accepted it is never going to happen

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
6921 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

penny1403 :  Ok. Well have a nice life then with this guy who doesn’t hate your kids (you think). Stop pretending this is independence though. If you are so desperate for a man that you’re willing to put up with this, nobody can stop you but you don’t get to frame that as a strength. You’re afraid to be without a man so you’ll accept being a loser’s doormat. That’s the story here and it’s sad that this is the ending you’ve written.

Post # 62
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

penny1403 :  This post makes me sad. You’re still young!!! My mom was married to my shit of a father for 13 years and wasted 13 years with him prior to that. She divorced him when she was 49. She didn’t start dating again until I was in college and she dated lots of guys – lots of duds, some that looked promising but didn’t work out. And then she met the right guy and last year at 63 she married him and I have never seen her happier. The point I’m trying to make is, don’t make the same mistake my mom made. My mom looks back and wishes she would have left him earlier instead of spending all those years with someone who didn’t appreciate her, someone who verbally abused her and made her life unhappy. Don’t waste years of your life with the wrong guy just because it’s easier than dating or leaving or starting over. If you’re tired of dating, just take some time to be by yourself and with your kids. Learn more about you and what you want.

Ask yourself this: if the shoe were on the other foot and you told the person you’re with that they’re not good enough to marry, would you continue living with this person? Why are you not good enough for him to marry, but good enough to live with?

Post # 66
Member
5449 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

penny1403 :  So why don’t you dump him and just “be alone” then? 

Post # 67
Member
974 posts
Busy bee

penny1403 :  Bee: why are you being so passive?? I don’t necessarily disagree with your opinion that marriage does not need to be the be all and end all for any relationship but why are you acting like you are completely without agency? A man must decide to marry you, your boyfriend may decide leave you, your boss and family/friends question your relationship status as if they have a right to this information…  This is what makes your assertion that you are “insanely independent” with high self esteem ring very hollow: you seem to be the passive subject of everybody around you, accepting their actions regardless of how egregious they may be.

If you have now decided you’d prefer to be alone, take the steps to make that happen – stop waiting around for your boyfriend to make some sort of decision. If you change your mind and want to get married, get out into the dating world and look for a serious partner. If someone rudely asks why you aren’t married, tell them to fuck off! Please do not be a passenger in your own life.

Post # 68
Member
4372 posts
Honey bee

OP, you sound so defeated and sad. Cats + Netflix are superior to any relationship that makes you feel this way. Kick this guy to the curb. Don’t be passive…be the active agent in your own life! You are a strong and independent woman, but you’re not acting like it right now. You can do this bee, you can break up with this ungrateful mooch (yes, that is what he is). It’s gonna suck for a little while but soon you will get your confidence and happiness back. You don’t have to date. You can just enjoy your life, go on trips, hang out with your children and be a kickass, successful single parent until you feel ready to date again, whether that happens in 6 months, 6 years, or never. 

Post # 69
Member
6921 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

penny1403 :  The fact that you have “accepted” that he can mooch off you while telling you why you’re unmarryable says that you’re afraid to be without a man. The fact that you see it as “I could keep them” says you’re afraid to be without a man. It’s not a matter of “keeping” them. It’s a matter of DUMPING the assholes so you end up with your choice of good guys. You have to love yourself and respect yourself enough to say “Being by myself is better than being with the wrong guy.” 

You deserve to be with someone who values you and appreciates you. There are plenty of men out there who will do that, but even if you never find them and the only one who values you is yourself, it’s better to be by yourself than with someone else feeling unworthy and unappreciated.

Post # 70
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

penny1403 :  Don’t wait for him to make the decision to leave. If it’s not working for you, you make the decision and leave him. That’s what we’re all trying to tell you. It’s not about whether you can keep them, it’s about whether they’re worth keeping. 

Post # 71
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

livster :  OMG yes to this. Yes yes yes

Post # 72
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think you need to read the book Why Men Marry B*%h$ and He’s Just not that into you.  The first is a very fast short read.  You may be right-that you’re the common denominator.  Because you give give give expecting to receive in return.  What you need to do is learn to receive and expect it as your due.  Because people care about what they invest in.

When you tell a man ‘yes live with me and you don’t have to pay rent’ they don’t hear what you think they hear, what they hear is ‘She doesn’t value herself enough to expect my best so yay me, easy ride’. But men don’t marry or value an easy ride. They want to sit for hours waiting for that big catch, that hard to hunt game, the car they invested time and money in, the game they played and won after years of practice.

They wouldn’t hunt deer if deer walked up to their door and laid down, they wouldn’t play a children’s video game with unlimited lives or sleep with easy women and brag about it.  Maybe you need to stop treating men the way you want to be treated and start treating them the way they want to be treated.

Post # 73
Member
1551 posts
Bumble bee

Why are you fighting so hard for someone who wouldn’t fight for you?

Post # 74
Member
45 posts
Newbee

If you don’t care if you’re alone, don’t think he wants to live with you, and he’s listing reasons why you’re not worth marrying, I have to ask why he’s still living in your house. You’re talking passively like this is just your life and there’s nothing you can do about it. In reality you’re wasting valuable time with a guy who doesn’t respect you. That’s where I think a PP got the idea that you have low self esteem from. If you had good self-esteem you wouldn’t just resign yourself to living with a man who thinks you’re unmarriable, you’d tell him to GTFO of your house.

What do you love about your partner? What does he love about you? Do you make each other happy? If the answer is anything other than a resounding YES OF COURSE then I really am not sure why you’re wasting your life with him. Just continuing to live with him without marriage is fine to accept, if you’re actually enjoying living with him anyway, and he’s enjoying living with you. Without that, it doesn’t sound like you’ve got good self-esteem or are independent. It sounds like you’re trapped in a situation you don’t want to be in and don’t value yourself enough to get out of. 

Post # 75
Member
38 posts
Newbee

I can completely relate.

I married at 19, had a miracle baby, and lost my husband at 22, three weeks after our son was born. 

I was in a relationship for nine years where I was the main bread winner, supported him, ya da ya da. He’d call me his fiancé but I told him he couldn’t until he proposed. He never did. 

Then was a three year relationship that didn’t go anywhere. 

Now I’ve been with my love for four and a half years. I was clear that I’d dreamed of being married before I’m forty. I turned thirty nine this year and instead of being closer to that goal, it became clear it was further from fruition than ever before. 

We don’t live together, both with our own homes. I’m self sufficient, as is he, but if I’m not at his house, he’s at mine. I love him. When the choice had to be made to give up the security of marriage or give up him, I chose to stay with him. 

I made the decision that I’d rather have the comfortable, best friend, easy love with him and without marriage than try to find it somewhere else. I grieved as I accepted that reality. 

Have I questioned my “worth” as a woman? Absolutely. To the point that I started wearing my wedding ring again, just to remind myself that once, someone thought I was his ever-after, even if I never find that again.

I completely relate to your situation, the hard choices, and criticism/incredulous advice from others and constant questioning from well-meaning family and friends. Only you know what makes you happy. 

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