- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
I’m a bee who does not want to be recognized so have created a new account. Been with So for 12 + years and engaged for 1.5 years.
A good man and provider for our children. Issues are we do not have sex Period!!!! At all ever. Our love life has always had issues from the time we dated. I am an overweigh / plus size girl the only one he has ever dated or lived with. Our first sexual encounter he could not finish and even made a comment that I seemed much larger than I was. I caught him masturbating several hours after that in private. He did not expect me to catch him.
I thought I could change him and make him see how great a person I was even if overweight. For many years he dated only strippers and other girls of petite size but for whatever reasons was alone for years when we met. We dated and started to appreciate each others company. long story we had a distance relationship for many years only seeing each other on weekends.
Finally he relocated jobs and we moved in together. It’s been 5 years and we have not have sex or been intimate in any way. I’ve talked, argued , yelled , screamed , cried about this and to no availe nothing has changed this situation. To everyone and the kids we are perfect couple. Behind closed doors we have a dirty hidden secret of our life. He provides well for the family and will do anything for me, except touich me or love me.
Excuses are being too tired, too sick, not in the mood, I pressure him, I nag, I won’t let it alone. Well just over the holidays the truth be told he hates me cuz I am fat. He finds it difficult to be with me intimately because I am heavy. After the countless lies of us going to counseling and him going to see a doc, was all a lie. The whole time it was me and I did not know how he felt.
He admits to masturbating to release himself and occasionally goes to strip clubs with his boys from work. I live a lie everyday hating myself and hating my life. Mid forty and have not been intimate for years with a man I’m engaged to but swears to death he loves me. Like I said he will do anything for me and kids but this huge sexual void is killing us and digging a hole in our relationship. Now I look in the mirrow everyday and have nothing but hatred for myself and despise what I look like. If a man who swears to love me cant’ stand to be near me or touch me or just plain have sex with me.. what use am I to anyone. We share a bed but no love or intacmy. i live with this everyday. I face this reality of knowing I come home to hiim and he stays in the basement for hours watching good knows what and the obvious taking care of business for himself. We don’t spend any time except when with the kids or running errands. The kids are mine from prevous relationship and his daughter. So 3 kids between us
I can’t leave cuz i won’t survive on my own. I dont make enough to house me and kids, pay bills for car, insurance , electriciy etc.. I feel stuck. I feel broken. I feel lost.. I feel dead inside to a man who sees me as nothing more than a shell of a woman but not one he desires to be with intimately. I stay late at work not because I have to but there is no reason to come home to someone who rarely talks to me unless its to do with the kids , bills or his own shit at work. All I get in a peck on the temple or quick hug in the morning or maybe at night but thats the extent of intmate affections. I am lost at what to do. All the talking in the world won’t fix the issue. I fake my life of happiness for others and now fake this engagment that I know in my heart he did to only to be the good guy for everyone to think well of him. This is the one prideful thing he has is other ppls opinions. He wants to be respected and thought of as a good guy, good father and loving partner. well he is 2 out of 3 of those things. I just cant live the lie anymore cuz its eating me up inside and making me hate my very existence with him.
sorry this is so long. I am venting my rage on this computer. There is no one else to vent with.