(Closed) No Love or Intimacy*** Long Vent ***

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: To Stay or Leave
    Should I stick it out : (2 votes)
    2 %
    Leave and start life over again : (97 votes)
    76 %
    Try counseling : (29 votes)
    23 %
  • Post # 3
    1070 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Why are you marrying him if you can’t stand your lack of intimacy? I’m sorry your low self-esteem is bringing you down but do you think that your lack of confidence might have something to do with it as well.

    If he truly loved you, he would want your inner beauty to match your outer beauty and help you achieve a heathy weight. If he prefers stripper status bodies, then he is barking up a completely wrong tree. There is NOTHING wrong with plus sized women and there is NOTHING wrong with you. The problem is that you have decided to hate yourself instead of change yourself.

    Honestly, can I recommend something? Try Chalene Johnson’s PUSH: 30 Days to a Turbocharged Habits, a Bangin Body, and the Life You Deserve. It’s a workbook that changes your habits slowly so that you begin to create a new lifestyle instead of some crappy diet that makes you miserable for that week you try it. I’m on Day #24. I’ve lost 10 lbs. And she’s pumped me up enough to lose 20 more all WHILE making me more financially responsible and creating major achievable life goals.

    The problem isn’t your “fat”. The problem is that he is shallow and you are self-loathing and neither of you seem to be willing to change. Stop hating yourself and start thinking about the kind of love you want. Then go get it. How are you supposed to love someone else if you can’t even love yourself?

    You’re ok, lady. 🙂 You just have to think about what you want and then be brave enough to go get it.

    Sending some love <3


    Post # 4
    709 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @HiddenSecrets:  Do you seriously see spending the rest of your life like this? That’s really all you need to answer. Every woman of every size, shape, color, etc deserves to feel wanted in every way by her partner. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!

    Post # 5
    337 posts
    Helper bee

    Dude, you can so live on what you make, and if you can’t there are gov’t programs.  Leave.  This dude is obviously either cheating or gay. 

    Post # 6
    337 posts
    Helper bee

    “I live a lie everyday hating myself and hating my life.”


    There is your answer.

    Post # 7
    83 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @HiddenSecrets:  I am angry and hurt on your behalf right now.  Women of all shapes and sizes are sexy, beautiful women.  Even if you suddenly turned into one of his past “petite” lovers, you’ll always know that he was too shallow to give you the respect and love that you deserve now. 

    He obviously doesn’t understand that weight can be a complicated issue.  Does he expect that his own body won’t go through changes in life?  Medication, chronic health issues… all sorts of things can cause unintended and unmanageable weight gain, and he may suddenly find the shoe is on the other foot.  He needs to learn passion and attraction for YOU, not just your outer appearance.  Forget other peoples’ opinions- your opinion should be the most important factor here, for both you and him.  If he can’t be a partner to you in every way, then he doesn’t deserve the honour of being your partner.

    Post # 8
    276 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @HiddenSecrets:  Please leave.  You deserve to be happy.  But YOU have to believe it first

    Post # 9
    358 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @JackiBean:  The problem isn’t that she’s fat *or* that he’s shallow.  They’re just not sexually compatible.  You can’t reason someone into being attracted to someone else.  Clearly OP’s SO’s libido is affected by her weight.  He doesn’t deserve your judgement any more than she deserves it for being overweight.

    Post # 10
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013



    Post # 11
    1010 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @HiddenSecrets:  It sounds like you either need to attempt counseling to get to the bottom of things, or move on. If he cannot get past you being a larger woman, how is he going to respond to other things in life, like the possibility of more kids, or if you were unable to lose weight due to medical problems, or he himself gained weight? If he’s stuck on the idea of your size, he’s obviously not as mature as you. And frankly, if he had a problem, he should have brought it up a long time ago, like 12 years! My heart hurts for you hun, I hope you get the happiness you deserve. *Hugs*

    Post # 12
    401 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Seems like you have known from the beginning that he is not attracted to women with your body type. You can either accept it and find other sexual outlets like he is, or you should go. You can’t force him to be attracted to you but he obviously wants to be with you. I wouldn’t throw that away. Everyone loses their attractiveness over time, but true love transcends that.

    Post # 13
    8446 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @CountryRose: +1


    @HiddenSecrets:  Just because he doesn’t find you sexy, doesn’t mean you aren’t.  There are plenty of men that don’t like plus size girls, and there are plenty of men who do.  You can’t fault him for his preferences because men have to “perform” and therefore must be physically attracted to the person they’re trying to be intimate with; however, you can make the choice to leave and find someone more deserving of you.  *HUGS*


    Post # 14
    982 posts
    Busy bee

    @HiddenSecrets:  This is a crappy situation. Can you really live the rest of your life with no intimacy at all? You sound like roommates, and I think you know that marrying him would be a huge mistake – you’re totally selling yourself short.

    of course you can move on without him. It will take some adjustments financial-wise, but you’ve done it before and you can do it again.

    With the weight issue – I don’t understand why if you’ve always been the same, why he even dated you to begin with (especially if you weren’t his ‘type’). It’s not like you were a swimsuit model, then put weight on when you got together!

    You say you hate yourself when you look in the mirror – is this because he’s made you feel this way, or because you felt that way about yourself to begin with? If you’re unhappy with the way you are, you have the power to change it – but don’t do it for anyone else – do it for you. 

    5 years is an incredibly long time without sex, but marrying someone who feels that way is an eternity without sex. Like they say ‘a good indication of future behaviour, is past behaviour’ – meaning things are unlikely to change. Marriage is signing up for a continuation of the relationship leading up to it.

    Your situation makes me so sad. Sex isn’t everything – but it’s a huge problem when one of you wants it and the other has no interest.

    There are men out there who will love you exactly the way you are. But you need to love yourself first. I don’t think that even if you lost weight, it would make any difference to your Fiance. He’s set in his habits and seems to be happy that way. Your happiness is important too, so do whatever it takes.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Post # 15
    5984 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    @HiddenSecrets:  you deserve to be loved by your husband. this is not love. you are beautiful!!! he may not see it but you are and there is a man out there who will see that. you deserve that man. your Fiance is cheating on you (man or woman?). unless he has some sort of sex phobia and is willing to get help, this is unacceptable. i just dont understand why he wants to be with you if he isnt attracted to you? It doesnt make sense. you deserve to feel beautiful and be loved. i am very sad reading this. I am a heavy lady myself and Darling Husband loves every inch of me. I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels to be told that your SO doesnt want to have sex with you since you are heavy. what a jackass (sorry). If he isnt willing to get help and change you need to leave. you cannot live your life like this. I am so sorry you are going through this. i wish you the best of luck. we are all here for you!!!!!!!!

    Post # 16
    1144 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Have you tired to lose weight? Maybe that would help but I don’t see why he would be with you for this long but not find you sexually attractive. Have you spoken with him about it? Not just nagged but sat down and talked about it?

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