- 3 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
Hello Bees, I am been reading posts on here a few weeks now out of my own frustration and have found solace in your stories mixed with frustration, devotion and love. My boyfriend and I first met and began dating when he was a sophmore and I a freshman in colllege. We dated a total of 4.5 before we moved on (I was the one to break up with him-I felt our paths were going in different directions and it was a friendly break-up). At then end of my sophmore year, I transfered from the college we were both attending in Virgina to Georgia. A few months later, he picked up and followed me to Georgia so we could be closer. He was still 4 hours away attending school in Savannah while I was in Athens but we were able to maintain our relationship though long-distance for another two years. After breaking up we both moved on with our lives and careers and engaged in new relationships. Skip 10 years forward…. I had been casually dating for about a year after a bad realtionship with my son’s father and he was ending a relationship that was like oil and water. He had come to my mind one day and I looked him up on Facebook just to say hi. He was online and we struck up a conversation that went on for days. Finally he called one night and we talked until the sun came up. It had been like this in college for us too, endless hours of conversation-always best friends. We talked for about 3 months and then became offical again and have been together since. However, once again he was in Virginia and I was in Georgia, so we carried on long-distance for 3 years. Then last July, he again made the move to Georgia to be closer to me, this time in the same city. His move to Georgia, however was more at my request than his initiative. He was dragging his feet in Virgina and I had told him that I would be moving forward with my life if we were not in the same zip code soon. I was unable to move to Virgina because my son’s father is very invovled in my son’s life and we share physical custody. Of note, my son’s father and I were never married.
Throughout our relationship, I made it know to my boyfriend that I wanted to eventually marry but I never felt rushed to do so and in fact have never been the type to obsess over getting married. My boyfriend’s move to Georgia improved our relationship (he says so himself as well). We both love being closer together and the last year has seen our realtionship blossom. This May we went on a summer trip together and when we came back he started saying things like “we can get married as soon as I feel financially stable”. Okay, great I thought. He also did other things too like made an appointment with his financial advisor for the both of us to discuss planning financially for our future and encourged me to start up my own portfolio. We also had discussions about a timeline. He told me last month that he felt we would be married, not engaged-within two years and noted that he would use his savings of about 25,000 to fund the wedding so money should not be an issue. I also said that I would save over the next two years and add 15,000 to the pot, so we could have a very nice wedding. Needless to say, something clicked in me and I got “wedding fever” like I never have before. I got so excited and yes, started looking at dresses and dreaming about venues and cakes.
However, it’s important to note that living in Georgia has not been easy on my boyfriend’s career-he’s struggled. He initially found a job and was let go due to downsizing and then later got another job and was let go just a few weeks ago. He is now searching again and I know this has been really hard on him, as he was doing well forhimself in Virginia. Since loosing his job he been different of course and we had another conversation last week in which he told me that he may have to move back to Virgina because he is more employable up there. This is true as he has a military background and top secret clearance which is not as valuable in Georgia. However, I felt hurt. I completely understood his logic, but felt scarred…all this and he was thinking of going away. Since everything hinged on him being more financially stable the timeline for our wedding also seemed even farther away. I talked to him about it, he said he would only go away for a little while to save money and would be back…he also said he wasn’t planning on leaving as a first choice only as a last option. He is continuing to look for employment in Georgia. So I gave him several senerios. If he found a job tomorrow, but got fired six months later would we still be married in 2 years. He took his time answering, rephrased the question several times, at first said he wasn’t sure and then finally in a lowered voice “yes, I guess so”. But I found it hard to believe him.
Here’s my thing bees, I understand a man’s need to be financially stable. I really do and quite frankly I think it’s the best way to start off a marriage. But we have dated so much and been together sooooo long, a total of 9.5 years in all…does it really matter anymore??? I feel like we should stick to the timeline no mater what because at that point if he proposes next year we we be five years in (recent dating) and married six years in. Needless to stay I started to obess and go a little crazy, like us women do. I just felt so trapped, with no control over my life-all of it hinged on Georgia’s economy. Also I’m traditional and so is he and a good proposal from him is a must.
So two days ago, I told him “no more playing house” and I meant it. When I talked to him about it and he asked me what I meant, I told him you know doing the things that couples do who live together, like buying groceries, paying bills, household expenses…physical intimacy. He was really quiet for a while until I said, “please say something”. And then he said, “I’m not leaving you, I’m not going anywhere and if this is what you want then I’ll do it with you”.
Bees, I have to say those were the best words ever and truely he is a good man. I was just feeling so devalued and I realized that it was because I was playing wife when what I really want is to be a wife and have a husband not a live-in boyfriend. And I do have to say, I feel much better and calmer. All of the frustration and anxiety is for the most part gone. He took his stuff back to his place and we have been dating chastely for the past day and a half.
So bees, I’m just curious. What do you think? Am I being too hard on him? Has anyone ever done this and been successful?
Just looking for support or further wisdom, thanks.