Post # 1
No, we aren’t engaged yet. No, we didn’t break up. And no, I did not give him an ultimatum.
Believe me, I want to marry him and start our life together. But I’m not waiting. Technically, yes, I’m waiting for that ring and walk down the aisle and married life. But after doing some thinking of late, remembering something he told me early on and something a friend’s SO told her, I’m at peace with the wait and that takes away all its power. An engagement/ wedding isn’t looming in the future, serving as a reminder of how far away the future is. He is my future but, more importantly, he is my present. He is not a means to an end- even if the end is meant to be a life with him. The future I hope for can’t exist without the present underneath it, supporting it. Life with him isn’t just the future. I have his love now. We may not be living together yet and that, and an engagement, may be further away than either of us would prefer but that’s ok. I want to marry him because I love him and he loves me. Well, right now I have his love and he has mine, so what’s there to anxiously wait for?
We’re fairly young (20/19) and haven’t been together the longest (year and a half) and we haven’t known each other our whole lives (just 4-ish years) so I know I’m not in the same boat as you ladies that have been together a decade or more and I mean no disrespect to waiting bees, or brides anywhere. But I finally have a peace of mind about this and I wanted to share. I’ve felt a pressure lifted, which means I won’t be pressuring him (though I’ve always tried not to) and I can feel better mentioning offhand comments to him about our future together without feeling guilty for possibly having an ulterior motive of pressuring him.
Post # 3
It sounds like you are very content and very in love.
Post # 4
@Koi Fishie: That is truly wonderful that you feel this enlightened and from your realization “Well, right now I have his love and he has mine, so what’s there to anxiously wait for?” It really says it all and even helps me in my relationship, so thanks and good for you 🙂
Post # 5
🙂 Thanks ladies 🙂 I was afraid I’d offend someone because I know there are so many bees here that are anxiously waiting, some for years and years, and I don’t want to seem like I’m passing judgement because everyone’s relationship has its nuances.
I remember a while back, when SO and I were first talking about a serious future, I was getting really into it and SO felt that I was using him as “a means to and end” because I was letting myself run wild with these timelines and how I really wanted to do this and that and when and all these things. And, in all honesty, I wasn’t. I was excited. I didn’t want to do those things with someone else, but he felt I was more focused on that than on us. And we would get into the occasional arguments, especially as life and reality started to get in the way and we realized we couldn’t live together in three months and get engaged in six. It just wouldn’t work. But I still held on to the gotta-get-it-done idea though I started mentioning it less. Then, a few months ago, we got into a slightly bigger fight. And stopped mentioning it at all, for fear of annoying him and setting us back more than life’s responsibilities had. And that’s when I started to think. And tried harder to keep the relationship up to everything we wanted it to be NOW instead of sudden perfection the day he gets on his knee with that pretty, sparkly ring or that day I get to wear a pretty dress and make him wear long pants and a tie or even just the day we get to say goodnight and fall asleep in the same bed.
@Livelifeveryday: I’m glad someone else could get something out it it 🙂 We said I love you after dating a little less than a month. And I meant it. But that love was nothing like what we have now. Sure, that was new and exciting and my heart would beat a little faster when I knew I was going to get to see him (I was also on the other side of the country for college for a while so that may have had something to do with it…) but now, it’s deeper, pure satisfaction, so much less fragile, and can weather any storm, like, it’s ok that he a little shit sometimes because that means we’re not going for that illusion of perfection.
Wow, I wrote a lot. I get carried away sometimes lol
Post # 6
Wow. I hope I can internalize this great message…I think by dwelling so much on the lack of ring/proposal, even though it’s been 4.5 years, I’ve been doing the opposite of what I want and actually pushing him away. I have a hard time focusing on the present in all aspects of my life (part of why grad school has been so hard for me), but I think the area where it’s hurt me the most is in our relationship. I’m so grateful that I have him to hold my hand through this excruciating road to a PhD, but if I don’t change my tune soon, I might not anymore…
Post # 7
@pretzelchic: That was exactly my problem for a while. I was so focused on how great the future was gonna be that the present was kind of being neglected. SO called me on it but it was still hard. We both still live at home, not making enough money to move out without roommates and his family would cut support if we move in together at this point (or really any point before we can entirely support ourselves -_-) but in the future, we will live together and be engaged/ married and be able to support ourselves and be able to build a live (without the unwanted influence of our families) and do all the things we can’t quite do yet and I really wanted that (still do, of course) and it was so appealing that it was hard to let it go and make the best of what we have now, even if it isn’t where we want to be. But those dreams aren’t worth pushing him away and potentially losing him.
I have a friend in a similar situation. They’ve been together for like… three and a half (?) years. They’re fortunate enough to be able to live together (though they’re currently taking a year off from college) and have more support from their families but she’s been pressuring him for a proposal and I can tell, just from the one day I spent with them recently, that he resents the pressure she’s putting on him. And I just wish she, and other anxious ladies, could find peace and love what they have, not dwell on what they’re still waiting on.
Post # 8
@Koi Fishie: He is my future but, more importantly, he is my present
Love this! And congrats on you coming to peace with it 🙂