(Closed) No one is stepping up to their duties!!!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I know how you feel!  I can’t really offer any advice because I am in a similar situation.  My Maid/Matron of Honor has done nothing, nothing and backs out of whatever she offers to do.  I try to communicate and then I get no response at all.  I am naturally a people pleaser, so when I do communicate, people seem put-off.  I think all you can do is communicate your needs, and hope people will have enough decency and respect to pull it together.  Try to reach out to those who are worth your time and will help you.  Good luck!

My Bestman doesn’t even want to be alone in the Chapel after we set it up (and Fiance comes to get me at the hotel.)  I’m like “really?  You are a grown man!?”  I really hope people can pull it together for us!  Just communicate, and if they really can’t get it together, they don’t have to be involved, but give them a chance to improve.  We’re here for ya!

Post # 4
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m sorry you’re disappointed that your wedding party isn’t as involved as you’d like them to be… but no, booting them is not an option.  Well, it’s an option, but it is a friendship killer.

The only “duty” they have is to show up at the wedding, dressed appropriately.  Showers, bachelor(ette) parties, etc. are nice but NOT mandatory.

Post # 5
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Does your Maid/Matron of Honor know she was meant to organize the bridal shower? Did the Bridesmaid or Best Man know his responsibilities when he took on the role? Maybe they just really are unaware about what you and your FH expected of them.

Post # 6
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

People now-a-days are woefully ignorant of the duties of a wedding party. Many moons ago, a Bridesmaid or Best Man was literally a bride’s maid and was expected to help with almost all the preparations. I was amazed at the zero help I got during the planning process and by the time the wedding rolled around, I was almost to the point where I would not have of cared if they showed up or not. I don’t think there is much you can do about it.

All I know is that I hope none of my wedding party asks me for help with their weddings because I know exactly what I am going to tell them!

Post # 7
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Man I thought I was the only one!!! I feel no want to help except for the last minuite stuff and it like ya thanks but I do need help now not just on the wedding day… I dont even think I’m getting any pre-wedding party and if there is they become very good at keeping it hush hush… I just wish they would come to a bridal fair or something i dont know… I’m thrill to be marrying James but the closest to feeling like a real bride is when me and coworker talk about the wedding and look at wedding magizines (and she not even my bridemaid) other than that I feel like a crazy lady looking at wedding book and magizines and making random things.. (sorry about going through that)… I understand what you’re going through lol

Post # 8
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think there is considerable disparity in what people think of as the duties of the wp.  As far as I’m concerned, the duties are to show up on the day and look cute.  Since I’ve been a bride twice, but never been a bridesmaid, my attitude has yet to produce conflict.  However, if what you want of your wp is to be involved in showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties, vendor meetings, DIY projects, set-up and take-down, etc., it is important to communicate these expectations before they accept.  That way, they can assess realistically whether they have the time, talents, and/or inclination to do what you want them to.

Post # 9
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with Sailor.  your wedding party’s only duties are to show up dressed appropriately and stand next to you on the day of your wedding.  Pressumably you asked them to stand next to you because they mean something to you, not because of the great parties they would throw you. While the parties are nice, they are not necessary.  Also, you can’t impose your family’s traditions on people who are not part of your family.

Post # 10
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

As much as I hate hearing you ladies going through this crap, its reassuring to hear that Im not the only one!  I feel like I have planned my entire bach party by myself.  My Maid/Matron of Honor is in school and has a kid so I just stepped up and made the hotel and restuarant reservations by myself…which I was fine with.  Now the Bridesmaid or Best Man who took over the Bach party is pretty much sitting back and not doing anything since she sent the invitations out.  The party is next weekend and she basically told me she is “just too busy” between her day job and unpacking from her vacation to call people that havent responded yet, so I should just go ahead and do it.  Which to me also means I need to be the one to coordinate how many cars we are taking etc etc.  It doesnt KILL me doing this stuff since Im more of a planner person, but I was just kind of excited to have this thrown FOR me, not by me.  It has been the same scenario with the showers. 🙁

Post # 11
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I agree with all the PP’s. The only real duty is to get the dress/ tux and show up. If you wanted help with DIY’s and projects that should have been made clear before they accepted.

Have you asked them for help doing things or are you just upset they are not offering? How old are they? have they been part of a wp before maybe they have no clue.

Post # 12
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with the posters who said the requirements of a wedding party is to show up the day of and stand beside you…everything else is just bonus.

I think you have a right to be upset if these people in your wedding party offered to do x, y, & z and then kind of flake out (because that’s crappy regardless of it being your wedding). But it’s something different to expect them to plan and host parties that you want without having ever told them about it when you asked them to be in the party.

Post # 13
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m having the same issue, but I knew this would happen. So I went into this wedding planning assuming my Fiance and I would be doing it all alone. So, when the help does come along, it’s a nice addition, but we don’t struggle without it. Heck, I’m even planning my own Bachelorette party. I’m not sure what to do for my Fiance yet, though….

Post # 14
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

You keep saying that your wedding party isn’t offering to help, but has anyone come out and asked them? A wedding party’s only true duty is to show up the day of the wedding, wearing what you want them to wear, and stand up with you as you get married. Maybe they don’t know that you’d like them to help with this other stuff. You may need to just come out and ASK them to help.

Post # 15
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Has your mom asked the bridesmaids for help?  I’m Maid/Matron of Honor in my best friend’s wedding and I’m kind of embarrassed to say that it took a little nudge from her mom to get the ball rolling.  Also, can you talk to your Maid/Matron of Honor about the shower?  Let her know that you were hoping she and your mom could take charge on it together?

I think it’s pretty reasonable to expect that your bridesmaids will all help with planning a shower.  Maybe it isn’t technically a requirement of them being in your wedding party, but it’s not like you’re asking for the moon here.

My husband planned his stag/bachelor party mostly on his own, but his friends did help when he asked them with specific tasks, so perhaps he could come up with what he wants to do and then ask his best man to research specific things?  Although it may be annoying for him to be involved, the big upside is that they’ll ending up doing what HE wants to do, which is nice.

Post # 16
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@AutumnD: I really feel for you! I had a friend in a similar position to you at the start of the year. The groomsmen had stepped up and organised a stag do for the groom but her Maid/Matron of Honor had done nothing and her bridesmaid lived over 8 hours drive away. When she was crying on my shoulder one day, I said I would throw her a bachelorette anyway, even though I wasn’t in the bridal party.

Just as well I did offer, two weeks later her Maid/Matron of Honor threw in the towel and said she didn’t want to be in the wedding anymore. I think it’s set a dangerous precedent in our group though. A friend is having a family-only wedding and I ended up planning her bachelorette too!

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