No one likes my SO (but I want to marry him)

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

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@slomotion:  this x100000 and I can say the same for any of my friends who dated someone nobody else liked.

There is a reason why other people do not like that person. It might be hard to take off the rose-colored glasses and see what they see, but it’s worth your time to.

Post # 32
Member
451 posts
Helper bee

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@runcake22:  After being ghosted several times in my life… that is a pretty big deal breaker for me. And also from those experiences there was a LOT more going on behind my back than depression and anxiety on their end. It just isn’t excuseable in my book.

I am with your family and friends. Also “I just want to have a nice wedding with all the people who are closest to us but I don’t think even my parents are going to come at this rate.”… stop saying wedding. Say marriage. It changes the tone a whole lot here. A wedding isn’t anything in the grand scheme of marriage. Do you want a nice wedding or a nice marriage? Because girl you can have a nice wedding where everyone supports you and have a terrible spouse. Had a friend go through that with her all over the place depressed and mentally ill spouse. She is now trying to divorce like her life is on the line. Because it is.  

And even if he turns out to be an angel… your family hating him and vice versa will be awful for years to come. No fun. Been there done that too with ex boyfriends.

Post # 33
Member
411 posts
Helper bee

Well if he brought a puppy back to the table then by all means… get back together with him. 

 

 I’m absolutely seriously joking about this. NO way would I get back together with him. It sounds like you’re doing this just to prove your parents and friends wrong. 

Post # 34
Member
633 posts
Busy bee

Okay, from your update I do understand your reasoning—I don’t agree with it, or think it’s particularly sound, but I do understand where it’s coming from. You love this person and empathize with him and you want to show him the compassion you wish you’d received when you were in a similar situation. But if you’ve experienced mental health issues yourself, you hopefully know how complex and difficult it can be to unravel them and their consequences. You represent your family as needing him to “redeem himself” or prove himself to be “husband material” (as some PPs have required as well). This kind of language means NOTHING in the context of mental illness. The percieved morality of his actions is what it is at this point (something that needs to be processed by each of you, but which can’t be changed). You say you “forgive him”. That’s great, if it’s true, but also beside the point. Questions of “forgiveness” and “redemption” only come into play after the initial issue has been addressed, the initial issue being that your boyfriend is struggling and so are you. I’m not going to tell you that you can’t marry someone with major depressive disorder because they’re not “husband material” (that’s utterly insulting), but if you are set on marrying someone with this caliber of mental health concerns, you need to be willing to invest yourself in his recovery to the extent that it is your recovery too. Now is not the time to focus on a happy wedding day where everyone magically gets along and forgives and forgets what has happened. Now is the time to work on the unhappy and gritty process of getting you both to a place where you can actually deal with his issues (which will becomes YOUR issues—that’s marriage) instead of glossing over them. 

Personal anecdote that you can take however you want: I have a close friend who had a MDE in college. He basically disappeared, became agoraphobic and couldn’t even get himself groceries, much less to a doctor. He said that it was like permanently sitting at the bottom of a well, not being able to see color or taste food. He missed an entire semester, but luckily had a support system in place (including his girlfriend) that took care of him when he couldn’t take care of himself. Eventually he moved home with his parents and was committed for a while. He recovered, slowly, and is completely functional now, but it was A LOT of work. If he had told me, nine months after he emerged from that hole, that he was getting married, I and everyone who loved him would have urged him to slow down and give it time. Not to punish him for being “bad” or making his girlfriend’s life difficult, but to try like hell to help him avoid further suffering.

Post # 35
Member
4110 posts
Honey bee

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@runcake22:  rushing into a marriage (long distance, no less) is not supportive of his recovery. It is a distraction and may actually derail his long term recovery program. You all should talk to your therapist(s) about your plan and what would be a more prudent path to follow.

Post # 36
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You’ve got to ask yourself how he couldn’t have even sent a text in 3 months.  He didn’t just ghost you, he broke up with you and then whatever he had in mind didn’t work out (or the other girl broke up with him) he decided to woo you back.  
My Ex did the same thing with a girl.  He completely ghosted her then one night he decided he didn’t want to be alone, called her up and told her he had an emergent deployment with the military and he couldn’t contact anyone.  Needless to say once he got her back he broke up (ghosted) her again.

Even if he was in inpatient care for 3 months he could have asked his family to reach out to you if he wanted to keep you but he didn’t.

Post # 37
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

You said something that no one else seems to have pointed out here:

“his parents dislike me because they think I had something to do with his episode when they’re the ones stressing him out!”

So it’s not only your family that isn’t super excited about your relationship, its his? Yikes. And you blame them for having negative effects on his mental health? Yikes Yikes.

Did you pull people into your pain when he left? Be aware that if you cried on your friends and families shoulders a great deal they’re going to be less inclined to forgive and it will take more work.

Best case scenario in a relationship is that you don’t have major events that cause you distress, but if you do, and you want to keep moving forward with that person you might need to consider how selective you are in what you share out and how appropriate it is to tell your family in particular.

I have a friend whose husband that none of us liked much to start with, then cheated on her with a very young woman. I can tell you now that any attempts I made to be non judgemental towards him prior to that time are over. He’s a piece of shit in my book for the rest of his life. I don’t care how many years of happiness they have after that, I’m done. She’s free to forgive him, and make her own happiness with him, but from here on out he’s the bad guy to me. Its not that I can’t forgive someone for screwing up, its that he already kind of sucked- never got to know us, always seemed kind of whiny and childish, then did this horrible thing, and then I haven’t seen any major changes.  And I didn’t even get very many of the details- she was very limited in what she shared because she knew we already didn’t like him.

So you need to think about that going forward- if you rely on your friends and family for support in your relationships, if you turn to them when you have a problem with your partner, then they will definitely have opinions about your relationship. You can’t talk about your relationships in depth with your friends and family, get their support for your relationship AND be with someone who you have a lot of of ups and downs with. I’m a big fan of having certain boundaries for certain relationship problems- some stuff is not stuff you share with your family, its something you take to a therapist.

Ok so then how to answer your specific question posed:

Is there anything we can do to change people’s minds or am I just going to have to be super prepared to tell everyone where to shove it when we get engaged and settle on eloping?”

One, if you elope you better expect things to get worse, not better. Two you can actually do the work of healing these relationships.  You need to live near each other in your own places, without being married and demonstrate that being around each other makes you both better people, not worse.  I’d suggest he moves to where you live because thats him making an actual commitment and sacrifice and he bailed pretty hard the first time around. You both need to spend a lot more time around each other’s families & friends- if he moves to you, you need to prioritize visting his family regularly and not having an attitude. He probably needs to actually go camping with your family and graciously apologize to your parents for the previous time and bring some good food and be a fun person on the trip. You need to meet each other’s friends. Most of this stuff is stuff you’d have to do ANYWAY even if you were already married- this isn’t something you’re doing to earn support for your marriage, this is the work that you should do in a relationship, married or not. And maybe if you do that for at least a year, people will come around and be happy for you both.

Post # 38
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Do you guys have a reason to (what seems like) rush into marriage? I don’t want to immediately jump on the “he’s a jerk” bus, but I think it may be wise to slow things down a bit. Marriage is a serious, lifetime commitment and it sound like there are a lot of issues to work out before jumping into that. 

The fact that he pretty much abandoned you and your family is a huge red flag! I can’t begin to pretend that I know what he was going through at that time, but that is no way to treat someone you love. And I’m sorry to say but him sticking by you for the past nine months doesn’t really mean much. 

It sounds like you guys have a lot of growing to do before jumping into a marriage. Even the best marriages take work.. I just can’t imagine getting married with all of the issues- from his mental health to both sets of parents/friends not agreeing with it. It unfortunately just sounds like a setup for a very lonely and uncertain life. 

Unfortunately, I think that your parents are right to be very concerned. 

Post # 39
Member
13048 posts
Honey Beekeeper

“his parents dislike me because they think I had something to do with his episode when they’re the ones stressing him out!”

Along these lines, how do you know you weren’t the one stressing him out or that that’s not what he told his parents at the time? After all, you’re the one he ghosted. He may just be telling you what you want to hear or what makes him look better. In fact, I’d bet on it. 

Post # 40
Member
633 posts
Busy bee

 

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@weddingmaven:  
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@19mattituck:  Bottom line, this is not a group of people acting together cohesively toward the wellbeing of this couple. No one seems to be on the same page and there is a HUGE divide between families, not just phsyical but emotional/narrative, and based on that, I’m not exactly getting the impression that OP and her boyfriend are as in sync as they should be, either. If they were, the stories on both sides wouldn’t be at such extreme odds. Either these parents/friends are all abusive narcissists, or both of the parties in this relationship have given them some reason to disapprove of the other. 

Post # 41
Member
2832 posts
Sugar bee

If every single person I knew disliked someone, I’d have to take a really hard, unbiased look at what was going on and really do some soul searching on whether or not I was missing something.  

Post # 42
Member
11390 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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@runcake22:  

What’s this about the puppy being part of *his therapy*?  Did his therapist actually recommend that he get a puppy, under the circumstances?  In what way will puppy raising be theraputic? 

I find it especially galling that he just showed up with a puppy, knowing that you are not a dog person. Had there been discussions about a puppy prior to his just showing up with one?

If I were planning to marry a guy and he just showed up with a puppy, adorable or not, I’d be livid about not having any input, or even being consulted.  And I am totally and completely a dog person.

Post # 43
Member
9365 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@sassy411:  

Absolutely, l was taken by that casual reference to ‘ a puppy’ too, like it was a couch or something . 

Post # 44
Member
11390 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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@runcake22:  

Has he told you where he *was* for three months?  Did he have a job that he ghosted out on, too?  Where was he staying?  Did he have enough cash to get by on for three months?  What was he actually doing?  Did he contact his family?

Hopefully, this has all been aired out between you and you feel comfortable with his answers.

Post # 45
Member
2832 posts
Sugar bee

Glad I’m not the only one who was perplexed by the puppy. 

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