(Closed) No passion at all! So confused if I should end it? (long but please read)

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2616 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

sex is important.  would he be open to counseling?? maybe having a outsider trying to find out why there is no itamacy   i wouldnt give up just yet until i tried every single angle to get passion back into the relationship once that happens then u can say i tried it just doesnt work

Post # 4
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would consider counselling. Sometimes a sex therapist can get those fires going again. Especially when you say it feels awkward when you get intimate – sounds like a few adjustments need to be made.

Post # 5
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You sound a lot like I did in my last relationship. I think you are both just comfortable and you have so much invested that you don’t want to leave, but are you truly happy like this? Ask yourself do you truly feel about this man the way you want/need to about your husband ?

Post # 6
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think it’s normal to go through patches where work stress etc means you don’t have the time/energy for intimacy, but it sounds like this is ongoing.  

If you really don’t want to try counselling, maybe try something yourself first – you could buy a book with different positions and tricks and read it together, some sexy underwear, drink some wine etc.  Overthinking it could be worse, so I can understand why you wouldn’t want to go to counselling.  

Post # 7
Member
5796 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I am going to suggest counseling.  Sexual problems are particularly amenable to therapy.

 

It’s clear that you love and respect each other.  Why throw that away without giving counseling a fair try first?

 

Post # 8
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It sounds to me like you have gotten into the habit of not having sex and you just have to change that. Set a sex schedule of three times a week to start with and make sure you keep to it, even if it feels awkward or forced. You really just need to get into the habit. Also, talk about what you would like with your partner, what are your fantasies etc. Try stuff out. You could also try sending each other sexy texts during the day to help get you in the mood. Also, try wearing sexy lingerie and doing your hair and makeup for him some night, if your FI starts seeing you more as a hot woman rather than just a companion he might start to feel more desire. The more sex you have, the more your sex drive will increase and the more it will become a regular part of your life. 

Don’t give up what sounds like an otherwise great relationship. This can be fixed, but like everything it takes work and effort to maintain it. 

Post # 9
Member
2876 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

i think relationships need a lot of aspects to work. Passion isn’t necessarily the most important (as often it fades a little over time) compared to trust, respect, love….but i would say it is important. you shouldnt feel like youre living with a roomie

however, as much as i hate to use the term “normal” because everyones version of normal is different…. sex 5 times in 3 years isn’t normal

why did his ex call off the wedding? the same problem? or maybe it stemmed from that?

do you initiate sex? why does he think you don’t want it more?

i dont want to point out the obvious…but he can have the capability (emotionally) to be the best damn father in the world, but without doing the business thats never going to happen

 

 

 

the thing is, because none of the bees know the real situation from both sides…theres a propensity for the infamous ‘armchair diagnosis’ and frankly thats what im about to do. whilst people do of course have different sex drives, having sex that little makes me think:

– asexual (but then surely sex would be off the table entirely)

– gay

– or a medical problem

i personally couldnt sacrifice sex even if everything else was great. and if you can and be happy, thats your choice and you have a future with him without trying to address the issue

whatever you decide, i wish you the best and i hope it works out so you can have the happiest future imagineable!!

edit – dunno if this helps but i spent over a year with a guy i *adored*. good looking, smart, funny….the whole package. but there was no chemistry. and i thought if i waited it out, somehow itd resolve itself. i left him a few times but he kept wanting me back and i agreed because he was just lovely. but it never did. we basically didnt do much in the bedroom, kissing and occasional sex.and when i left i broke his heart.but chemisty cant be forced or faked…and a relationship doesnt work without it (well for me anyway)

 

Post # 10
Member
2876 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

edit – i wrote this normally but can see some crazy massive gaps between my sentences. like the opposite of when there was a problem where the OP saw everything smushed together

if you can see gaps too i apologise!

Post # 11
Member
686 posts
Busy bee

Sex is definitly important, but it seems like it could be worked out if that is the only issue in the relationship. Maybe you all are spending too much time together and never having a chance to miss each other. I would suggest counceling or atleast looking up someways to bring romance back into a relationship. There are a lot of articles online that have ways to improve romantic relationships, which you and your SO can sit down and read together.

A lot of times they say making out can bring romance back, no taking clothes off no touching underneath clothes and no sexual things, it will make you all want each other more.

Post # 12
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I think you should give counseling a shot. There may be a reaason you don’t have sex more. My FI and I don’t have sex often. She wants it all the time, I have an almost non-existant sex drive. But my issues are stemmed from childhood trama and other emotional factors. I just don’t need sex the way other people do, my FI has learned to accept this and it’s something we work on. In every other aspect she is my best friend, my soulmate, I want to spend all my time with her, she’s my everything, we just don’t have sex often. 

For me I have realized the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Sex is important to some people, but it’s not an end all be all, IMO. Talk to him about it, try counseling and learn how to satisfy yourself.

Maybe you’ve just lost your groove. Maybe there is underlaying issues. Maybe he can’t physically or emotionally. If it’s the later and he just can’t is the rest of him worth it enough to you to scarfice one aspect of your life? 

Post # 13
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think this depends on how important sex and chemistry is to you. For me it’s very important. It seems odd to me that the most in depth you both have gotten when talking about it is that he says he wants it more too but that’s it. Having sex 5 times in 3 years warrants way more communication than that! Sure you can give therapy a shot. I’ve never really known it to change much with friend couples who had disparate sexual needs and they weren’t this extreme. At the very least it did help them understand and accept each other better. 

 

Im curious, does anyone know of a case where counselling helped with a couple that had sex so infrequently?

Post # 14
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@Who_I_BEE:  I think you spend TOO much time together & that’s whats “holding back” your passion. If I were around DH all the time, the passion would likely be hidden or diluted. Its fun at the end of the day to talk about our days. If we worked with each other, spent all our free time together… what would we talk about? It would seem like we were attached to each other. I actually just watched a TV show where the wife got a job in the same building as her husband & at dinner they didn’t say anything except something about the sidewalk because they had nothing to talk about. I mean, maybe not as durastic as that but I think that may be contributing to the lack of passion.

 

 

 

Maybe you can take up a new hobby that just you & your girl friends do? Or take a yoga/skydiving/scuba diving class/activity & meet new people. & your FI can do the same (but a different activity!) & then you have something new to talk about – something exciting to share with each other & you’ve also spent a few hours apart so you’ll look forward to seeing him again. Whereas if you always see each other, there’s no one to miss.

 

 

 

My DH worked with me a few months out of the year about 2 years ago & we were frustrated with each other a lot more often. Also, we didn’t enjoy talking about our days as much & it affected our sex life. It was fine for awhile – a few weeks up to about 1.5 months it was fine… but at 2/3 months of being together all.the.time it wasn’t fine anymore!

 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think sex only plays an important part in a relationship if you want it to.  

My DH and I both have low sex drives- we have sex maybe once a month. This works for us because NEITHER of us are sexual people. We have an amazing marriage and are very intimate, just in other ways.

Post # 16
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

http://www.cracked.com/article_19230_the-5-least-romantic-keys-to-happy-relationship.html

This is an article I read a year or so ago – it’s from a comedy website, but a lot of the advice in it is pretty sound.

As other posters have said, doing things seperately from each other is a huge relationship booster – I never could have imagined a partner that didn’t have the same hobbies as me and, while I miss doing some things with him, I also cherish the time I get on my own.

Schedule in at least one night a week for sex. Even if you’re not in the mood, just having sex can help get those hormones flowing that make you feel more attracted to the person you’re having sex with. It may not seem romantic to make Friday night “Sex night” but it means you’ll be doing it more often, which is what you both want!

Lastly, and I cannot stress this enough, COMMUNICATE! It sounds like you both want sex more, but you’re not sure how to go about it, perhaps, or you don’t end up following through? Take the time to make a plan of attack with this relationship problem and go for it!

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