- 7 years ago
Hi, I’m new here, and I need some encouragement. I’m in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years. We only see each other once every few months, and it really bugs me that we don’t have a plan for how we’re going to be together some day. I’ve expressed a desire to get married, but he says he may not be ready for another 6 years (and he has a huge variety of reasons for why…not very encouraging)! The hard part is, I don’t feel good about moving my whole life across the country to be with him if he isn’t sure he wants to marry me. Is that unreasonable?
He treats me very well every day, but when I think about the future and how long it might be before I get to enjoy a “normal” relationship, I feel so hopeless. I found that by taking control of my own future instead of waiting on him to resolve the question of our future I feel much better about my entire life.
So, a couple of days ago I sent him a letter letting him know my plan for the future. I said that I didn’t want to continue in a long distance relationship after I finish my master’s a year from now. I said that if we were engaged, I’d move to be with him, otherwise, I plan to pursue a career wherever the wind takes me. He can come with me if he wants to. I also said that although I love him and want to be with him, if we don’t end up in the same place next year, then that will be the end of our relationship. I wrote this in a much more tactful way, but that was the gist of it. Instead of hoping and begging him to invite me into his future, I’m ready to just plan my own and let him come along if he wants to.
This didn’t come from out of nowhere. About a month ago we had a major fight about our unresolved future, and he knows how miserable I have been. Since then, he has really stepped up in terms of showing me he values our relationship. But we haven’t resolved our commitment issues or figured out a plan for the future.
I feel slightly nervous about having sent this letter. Was I too harsh? Did I jump the gun by laying it on the line a year before I graduate? At the time I thought it was a good idea to give him time to process and make a well-reasoned decision. But did I actually put even more pressure on him? He hasn’t responded to my letter yet, and I don’t know what to expect!
How can we get through this touchy issue gracefully? I want to be with him forever, but I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have control over what happens in our relationship or when and where we will end up together. Any advice or encouragement is much appreciated.