(Closed) No plus one for out of town family wedding

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

How close are you with your cousin? If you are close, I would maybe gently talk to her about it. It not, you will probably need to just accept it. We are having a small wedding, and have a large extended family – we did the “no ring no bring” rule for family, otherwise they would have been so numerous we wouldn’t have even been able to invite our friends. I would just use your relationship with your cousin as your guiding factor in this case…

Post # 4
Member
520 posts
Busy bee

I can see both sides of it……but that said, I wouldn’t blame you if you stayed home…..   Sorry 🙁  hugz  

Post # 5
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Hmm… that’s a tough one.  In most people’s eyes 6 months isn’t a very long to have been dating someone, and so is understandable to not be included.  But, I understand that you consider it a serious relationship (I moved in with my boyfriend after only 4 months of dating).  Since your cousin did meet your Boyfriend or Best Friend it seems wierd to not invite him.  We are mostly following the engaged or living together rule, but if we have met the Boyfriend or Best Friend or know that they are in a serious relationship then we are inviting the significant other.

I don’t know your relationship with your cousin or your family, so it is very hard to give an opinion on what to do.  If you are not going to have fun at the wedding or you are not going to create or strengthen any bonds (with family or friends) by going then I’d say sit this one out.  But, if you will get something out of going to the wedding (whether it will be fun or strengthening of relationships), then I’d say go by yourself and make the most of the experience.  There will be plenty of times in the future for your future husband and you to enjoy together.

 

 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry for your situation but I recently had to deal with this– and I was only dating my (now FI) for a little over 7 months and i got invited to my cousin’s garden wedding out of town. I was not given a plus one.

This is the way i saw it— as serious as I thought it was 7 months is still not a very long time, and brides sometimes have to be very cutthroat when it comes to things. Honestly most of my relationships havent been serious until about a year so I completely understand the brides’ side.

On the other hand, going out of town isn’t easy alone. Thankfully this is also your cousin and you’ll know other people (family?) and maybe she’s around your age and there will be others there around your age. 

Post # 7
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I definitely understand why you’re bummed, but your cousin has not breached etiquette by limiting plus ones to married and engaged couples.  If they invited your boyfriend, who knows how many other boyfriends and girlfriends they’d have to invite in order to be fair to all their guests.  Ordinarily I tell people in these threads that until you plan a wedding of your own, you really have no concept of expense of adding “just one more person” and the stress of putting together a guest list that fits your budget but doesn’t step on any toes.  But you seem to understand that already.  Of course you’re disappointed; I would be, too.

I wouldn’t say anything to your cousin.  Likely they had to exclude a lot of people they would have invited if money and space were unlimited.  Since tickets have already been booked, I think you two could still make a nice weekend out of it.  You aren’t in the Wedding Party so it’s not like the wedding would take over your whole weekend.  It’s just a few hours that you’d be apart from your BF; you’d have the rest of the weekend to be together.

Post # 8
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@steak we are doing the same. Engaged, living together,we know them well OR theyve dated at least a year. doesn’t have to be all, just one. We can’t have all of our friends inviting a plus one. Then again we’re having a very intimate wedding of 65 and the more unfamiliar faces the less I’d be happy. 

Post # 9
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I wouldn’t talk to your cousin about this one.  She probably had to make a lot of cuts in order to fit into space and budget constraints.  I really can’t disagree with her policy on not inviting couples who aren’t engaged or married, especially when you have only been together for 6 months.  Since she is your family, I hope that you do go to support her and recognize that she couldn’t invite everyone that she probably wanted to.

Post # 10
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Another question is — at 6 months were you two dating when they got engaged? sent out the std? Perhaps they already had a guest list drafted and it was already tight. Even if you were dating, how long has it been that you two would consider yourself “serious”? The bride probably already had her mind made up. 

Post # 11
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

@Anoni Ms.: I’m sorry, hun 🙁 

But I do have to kind of side with the bride. Wedding are just so expensive and they probably had to make a lot of cuts. When we made our guest list, we probably wouldn’t have considered a six-month relationship a serious one, even if we had met the Boyfriend or Best Friend. I’m not telling you that your relationship isn’t serious by any means, it’s just hard for others to determine these kinds of things, you know?

Even if your relationships with some of your family members are strained, you’ll still know plenty of people there. We only gave plus one’s to guests who weren’t in serious relationships if they were coming from out of town, and wouldn’t know anyone.

But, you also have a valid reason to decline the invitation if you’re not comfortable. It’s up to you!

Post # 12
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

I didn’t give my cousins +1 who weren’t married (and there was no one who had been dating someone for a big length of time).  Only one cousin didn’t attend, because he started dating someone 4 months prior to the wedding.  I really love his SO but honestly 4 months before the wedding I wasn’t thinking oh this is going to be something serious and we didn’t have the room. 

If he had written me a note that said congrats, if space opens up I’d really appreciate if I could bring ……..  I would have tried to make it work but of course no guarentees.

Post # 13
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

i wouldn’t take it personally. for our wedding, there were so many people that i wanted to invite that i couldn’t. somebody asked to bring her bf, and of course i felt bad but had to say no. if i can’t have my family and friends come, i’m definitely not going to have someone that i barely even know there, even if it is a little harsh. if you don’t feel comfortable going alone, just don’t go.

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