Post # 1
I’ve been with my serious boyfriend for more than six months and I just found out that I don’t have a plus one to my cousin’s wedding. I’ve been reading the boards and understand both sides of the issue, but I’m still at a loss over what I should do.
I had assumed this whole time that the Boyfriend or Best Friend would be invited and we even booked tickets after I received the STD and have since made this fact known to my cousin.My bf has met the couple as we stayed with them when we visited their city. During that time the they confided in us how their families wanted her to invite a bunch of random people.Maybe we should have taken this as a hint, but now I’m just hurt by it.
I’m guessing they assume that since I’m family, I will have plenty of people to interact with, but the truth is I’m in my late 20’s and have strained relationships with many family members and have been relegated to sit at the equivalent of the kiddie table at most family events. For the last one, a birthday bbq, I was specifically asked not to bring my boyfriend with me because of “space issues.” Which brings me to another issue, now I have to tell my boyfriend, who is already caught off guard by that last event. For the record, I’m a perfectly polite person and have never brought around obnoxious boyfriends to any event, and as a matter of fact, I’ve never brought a date to any important family event, so I was sort of looking forward to finally having an escort.
I understand that there are space restraints as we have a large family, but I can’t help feeling slighted because I’m not engaged or married. We were hoping to make a nice weekend out of it and now I’m expected to fly there alone and make all of my arrangements.
I love most of my family and my cousin and her future spouse is great, but I’m sad I might just have to sit this one out.
Post # 3
How close are you with your cousin? If you are close, I would maybe gently talk to her about it. It not, you will probably need to just accept it. We are having a small wedding, and have a large extended family – we did the “no ring no bring” rule for family, otherwise they would have been so numerous we wouldn’t have even been able to invite our friends. I would just use your relationship with your cousin as your guiding factor in this case…
Post # 4
I can see both sides of it……but that said, I wouldn’t blame you if you stayed home….. Sorry 🙁 hugz
Post # 5
Hmm… that’s a tough one. In most people’s eyes 6 months isn’t a very long to have been dating someone, and so is understandable to not be included. But, I understand that you consider it a serious relationship (I moved in with my boyfriend after only 4 months of dating). Since your cousin did meet your Boyfriend or Best Friend it seems wierd to not invite him. We are mostly following the engaged or living together rule, but if we have met the Boyfriend or Best Friend or know that they are in a serious relationship then we are inviting the significant other.
I don’t know your relationship with your cousin or your family, so it is very hard to give an opinion on what to do. If you are not going to have fun at the wedding or you are not going to create or strengthen any bonds (with family or friends) by going then I’d say sit this one out. But, if you will get something out of going to the wedding (whether it will be fun or strengthening of relationships), then I’d say go by yourself and make the most of the experience. There will be plenty of times in the future for your future husband and you to enjoy together.
Post # 6
I’m sorry for your situation but I recently had to deal with this– and I was only dating my (now FI) for a little over 7 months and i got invited to my cousin’s garden wedding out of town. I was not given a plus one.
This is the way i saw it— as serious as I thought it was 7 months is still not a very long time, and brides sometimes have to be very cutthroat when it comes to things. Honestly most of my relationships havent been serious until about a year so I completely understand the brides’ side.
On the other hand, going out of town isn’t easy alone. Thankfully this is also your cousin and you’ll know other people (family?) and maybe she’s around your age and there will be others there around your age.
Post # 7
I definitely understand why you’re bummed, but your cousin has not breached etiquette by limiting plus ones to married and engaged couples. If they invited your boyfriend, who knows how many other boyfriends and girlfriends they’d have to invite in order to be fair to all their guests. Ordinarily I tell people in these threads that until you plan a wedding of your own, you really have no concept of expense of adding “just one more person” and the stress of putting together a guest list that fits your budget but doesn’t step on any toes. But you seem to understand that already. Of course you’re disappointed; I would be, too.
I wouldn’t say anything to your cousin. Likely they had to exclude a lot of people they would have invited if money and space were unlimited. Since tickets have already been booked, I think you two could still make a nice weekend out of it. You aren’t in the Wedding Party so it’s not like the wedding would take over your whole weekend. It’s just a few hours that you’d be apart from your BF; you’d have the rest of the weekend to be together.
Post # 8
@steak we are doing the same. Engaged, living together,we know them well OR theyve dated at least a year. doesn’t have to be all, just one. We can’t have all of our friends inviting a plus one. Then again we’re having a very intimate wedding of 65 and the more unfamiliar faces the less I’d be happy.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t talk to your cousin about this one. She probably had to make a lot of cuts in order to fit into space and budget constraints. I really can’t disagree with her policy on not inviting couples who aren’t engaged or married, especially when you have only been together for 6 months. Since she is your family, I hope that you do go to support her and recognize that she couldn’t invite everyone that she probably wanted to.
Post # 10
Another question is — at 6 months were you two dating when they got engaged? sent out the std? Perhaps they already had a guest list drafted and it was already tight. Even if you were dating, how long has it been that you two would consider yourself “serious”? The bride probably already had her mind made up.
Post # 11
@Anoni Ms.: I’m sorry, hun 🙁
But I do have to kind of side with the bride. Wedding are just so expensive and they probably had to make a lot of cuts. When we made our guest list, we probably wouldn’t have considered a six-month relationship a serious one, even if we had met the Boyfriend or Best Friend. I’m not telling you that your relationship isn’t serious by any means, it’s just hard for others to determine these kinds of things, you know?
Even if your relationships with some of your family members are strained, you’ll still know plenty of people there. We only gave plus one’s to guests who weren’t in serious relationships if they were coming from out of town, and wouldn’t know anyone.
But, you also have a valid reason to decline the invitation if you’re not comfortable. It’s up to you!
Post # 12
I didn’t give my cousins +1 who weren’t married (and there was no one who had been dating someone for a big length of time). Only one cousin didn’t attend, because he started dating someone 4 months prior to the wedding. I really love his SO but honestly 4 months before the wedding I wasn’t thinking oh this is going to be something serious and we didn’t have the room.
If he had written me a note that said congrats, if space opens up I’d really appreciate if I could bring …….. I would have tried to make it work but of course no guarentees.
Post # 13
i wouldn’t take it personally. for our wedding, there were so many people that i wanted to invite that i couldn’t. somebody asked to bring her bf, and of course i felt bad but had to say no. if i can’t have my family and friends come, i’m definitely not going to have someone that i barely even know there, even if it is a little harsh. if you don’t feel comfortable going alone, just don’t go.
Post # 14
Thanks everyone for your comments I have a bit more perspective now. I don’t want to come across as needy, but I think I’ve learned a lesson for future reference and I want to share my final thoughts.
I don’t even think they know how long we’ve been dating, but I don’t think that should be an issue. For the record, we’ve been dating for a year and an official couple since January. If someone is willing to pay for a plane ticket, lodging, a gift and ground transportation, it stings a little when all you say is “uhhhhhh sorry.” I understand limiting cousins dates, but all of my cousins are of the age when their parents are still paying for everything. I’m unemployed and my boyfriend isn’t super rich, but we still made sure to buy tickets ahead of time because I was very enthusiastic about being there for my family.
Additionally, as I mentioned, some of my family relationships are strained, but I try my best to stay involved anyway. However, the last time I attended an event as a singleton I ended up sitting alone at a table of weirdos while my dad, stepmom and stepsister sat at the head table. It was my grandpa’s wedding.
I’m not saying that my cousin should have known about all these things, but just keep in mind that if somebody wants to bring a guest all that way, they usually have a pretty good reason other than they want to bring some schlubb who wants to eat all the filet mignon.