(Closed) 'No Plus Ones' Problems. Share your vents

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 92
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MissW2MrsB:  However, your Aunt and Cousin do not seem to subscribe to UK etiquette as you see it.  You can do whatever you wish, but there are social consequences.  If you can’t afford your guests and their serious partners, you can’t afford your guests.

Post # 94
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@RunsWithBears:  Getting a good all round venue in the UK costs a fortune! especially if you dont want other brides in your venue on your day. It is quite common to only invite immediate family to the day and their plus ones (FI husbands parters bf maybe just someone so they dont feel lonely) in the evening. Exclusive hire charges at a reasonable venue (not a gorgeous venue) are about £6000 upwards. I dont know what that is in $ but over here it is a HUGE amount of money! then you have food and drink on top which you can be looking at nearly £200 over all.

** £200 per head overall (this includes canapes, reception drinks 3 course meal with drinks and evening buffet.)

 

Post # 95
Member
20 posts
Newbee

Look at it this way: You are hosting an important family event.  Your cousin’s partner of FIVE years is now a member of your cousin’s family (I don’t think it should metter whether they’re legally married or not) and is therefore now part of your family. By excluding him you are excluding a family member and discounting your cousin’s relationship at the same time you invite her to celebrate yours. I say good for your aunt for standing up for your daughter and her quasi-son-in-law! 

I do not attend my own family’s events without my partner and would consider an invitation like this extremely offensive.

 

 

 

Post # 96
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Hm, seems you’re getting hammered, OP!  I have a few thoughts. Why are you discussing the guest list with anyone so early on?  If things could change (your budget, their marital status, etc.), then this all seems an unnessary conversation to be having.  I’d have saved myself the early headache!  I don’t agree with not inviting people’s long term partners, but it sounds like that might be a US/UK gap in etiquette.  If it is an “allowed” type thing where you’re from, then go for it, but do NOT be upset in any way if it makes people not attend – that is their choice.  I do agree it wasn’t great of the aunt trying to step in, but :shrugs: she sounds like she meant well and is just being difficult, I’d handle it with grace and just let it go.  Best of luck!

Post # 97
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I honestly am surprised by some of these reactions.  Ordinarily I consider myself on point with wedding etiquette.  I’d find it EXTREMELY rude to ask for a plus one when one was not given to me, and the couple’s choice to not invite a SO i wasn’t engaged/married to (even then…I’d get it).

We know how much these things cost.  By not paying for any of the cousin’s SOs she is being fair and keeping costs down.  I get that they all would like a free ticket to party but ti’s not financially reasonable.  Cost is still an issue, even if the aunt offered to pay for her daughter’s SO.  Becuase if you invite daughter’s SO, you have to invite all the others.  It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.

This is not like having a potluck dinner and excluding a husband.  this is a big event, a big, expensive event.  There shouldn’t be any hard feelings.  While I’d understand not wanting to go if your SO won’t be there, I don’t understand shaking down the bride for another ticket. 

 

Post # 98
Member
2409 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@SherbertLemony:  awesome! THANK YOU for clarifying — I didn’t want to be snarky at all, but was missing this pretty critical piece of context from the OP. 

View original reply
@MissW2MrsB:  sometimes we don’t always get what we want, but we do always get to choose how we respond. I’m sorry your decision will cause distance between you and your family and they are probably also sorry they’ll miss out on your day.

Post # 102
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Wow, I’m shocked by the number of people saying how rude it is. I don’t really think so. If this was the wedding of someone I loved and cared about and their wish was to have an intimate wedding, I would not be bothered by my fiance not being invited. If someone is bothered by that, they’re being selfish. OP, It’s not their wedding, it’s yours! 

Post # 103
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MissW2MrsB:  Then your cousin is being a brat and it’s obvious her parents encourage the behavior. I would advise you not to pay too much heed to some of the comments you’re getting on this board. A simple google search showed me that the rules of who gets invited to weddings in the UK are different and you are in the right on this one. Send your invites as planned, if they don’t come because they can’t have their way so be it. 

 

Post # 105
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

If they’re seriously considering not going to your wedding because this person can’t be separated from their SO for an evening or even overnight, that’s sad and I don’t think I would even want them there after that. 🙁

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