Post # 1
So FI and I are funding our wedding ourselves and our rules are no plus ones unless you are married or engaged and no children. I sent my invitations out yesterday and we have made it crystal clear our reasoning for doing the whole no plus one thing from the get-go. Of course I start getting text messages today saying “I totally understand your reasoning for not inviting plus ones but can I bring ______, I will even pay their way” and this is coming from people who have been dating the person they want to bring for MAYBE a couple of months. I am getting so irritated with it, and honestly the whole offering to pay is a little insulting, and it makes me feel even worse than I already do about not inviting plus ones.
Just very annoyed right now….
Post # 3
It could be insulting to people receiving these invitations. They could be just as serious as someone who is engaged, even after few months (I moved in with my fiance three months after we started dating), and they may feel as if their relationship is trivialised a bit.
You made your decision to do it, and that was certainly yours to make. You are going to have to deal with people asking questions (and possibly, rightfully being hurt) as a result, unfortunately.
Post # 4
We hear you! There are many similar posts in the etiquette section-seems many people really have no idea how to behave when they recieve an invitation.
Stick to your position-don’t make excuses- as you have already seen, people will attempt to come up with sollutions.
Just say” I’m sorry but we are having an intimate wedding. We are not able to invite everyone we would love to celebrate with us.”
Post # 5
i understand your reasoning, but as a guest it hurts. i was in a wedding, and the bride said i could not bring a date…. i had been dating my ex for 3 years at that point, and was pretty insulted and even considered not being her bridesmaid anymore.
it sucks for both sides, sorry you have to deal with it!
Post # 6
Do you include living together as “engaged” ?
Post # 7
@blue_eyed_bride: Don’t feel bad about it. You made a decision and they need to understand that this is YOUR wedding and YOUR decision. I am sure they will have just as much fun without their +1 by their side. Maybe you can mention that. Money is tight all around, them paying won’t help. There are still other costs involved with having them other than just the plate cost. Just remind them that you can’t make an exception for “JUST THEM”. good luck, I am sorry you have to go thru this.
Post # 8
You have to expect that people will want to bring a guest, even if their relationship with that guest is brand new; when you tell them they’re not allowed a guest, it’s a logical conclusion that you made that decision based on budget. It’s no different than a friend bringing a new flame to a happy hour birthday gathering and offering to pay for her date’s drinks. I would try my best not to let it irritate me— after all, it’s a self-inflicted wound.
Post # 9
My H and I dated for 8 years before he proposed, so I always feel like the “engaged/married” rule can be really messed up sometimes. So in the sense that it’s rude for people to give you attitude about this, it’s also rude to ask them to ditch their (potentially long-term) SO for the evening.
Post # 10
@blue_eyed_bride: that is so annoying! i cannot imagine bartering on an invitation with a bride. i can just hear it: “ill give you $50, 2 towel sets AND a kitchen aid attachment if i can bring my bf!”
stay strong with what you and FI decided but dont be too harsh about it. just keep reminding people that your budget doesnt allow extras and you want to keep the guest list intimate. i wasnt invited to a wedding last summer with FI and i was a bit hurt at first, so i get what others may say about it being risky to nix +1s… but then i got over it because i didnt know the couple at all, and we were not yet engaged and i didnt need to be there. i have gotten to know them for this year and they are great. i hold no ill will. your friends will get over it!
Post # 11
Some people are incredibly serious after only a short time of dating. I understand why they want to bring their SO to your wedding. I’d be pretty upset to be invited alone when I was in a relationship.
Like other people said, it’s “your wedding”, so you’re going to do what you want. But I wouldn’t be upset or offended that these people are asking. I would have assumed (or hoped) that not being invited with my SO was an oversight TBH.
Post # 12
@blue_eyed_bride: What about living together? I would have put that on there too. Many people these days don’t want to get married for whatever reason but still live together.
I’d love to be married, but for now my guy and I are living together. I wouldn’t be pleased if I couldn’t bring him. If you weren’t a very good friend (and none of my very good friends would do this, mind you) I would skip your wedding because I wouldn’t want to go alone. Sorry, but that’s the truth. It would be a pain.. I’m a new driver.. I could then not have a drop of alcohol, yadda yadda. My boyfriend and I do things together and I think a wedding is a crappy thing to go to alone.
I do agree that it’s ok to weed out those who bring a date for the sake of bringing someone… but I am not surprised some people aren’t happy.
Post # 13
Thank you all for the advice, i guess the whole reason that it is so irritating is that from the minute we announced we were getting married and knew we were responsible for the financial aspect we made it clear to our family and close firends, and everyone was very accepting. Another reason for the limited amount of people invited is the amount of space we have to work with, we are getting married on a Friday and we rented half of the club which comfortably seats 80 people.
Post # 14
@canarydiamond: we are only inviting close friends, and everyone was well aware from the begining, quite frankly if people dont want to come that is their perrogative it isnt going to hurt my feelings one bit. I do think it is a bit ridiculous that if you know everyone their and are guaranteed to have a good time, already have a hotel room to stay in and you decide to not come because you cant bring your boyfriend. I could understand if you didnt know anyone at the wedding, and for those poeple I invivted their SO.
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
We did the same thing. We ended up being a little lenient (and kids were more than welcome), but for the most part we stayed true to the no plus ones. Honestly, why on earth should I invite someone I don’t know to my wedding? And pay an obscene amount of money for them to drink and eat? No thanks. I would assure those questioners that they will know folks there and you’re happy to seat them around those people. And if that’s not true, I may allow the SO to attend (but absolutely no bar-mates… yes, DH’s cousin tried this.). DH had one close friend who wouldn’t have known anyone, so we were happy to have her BF attend. Remember, you make the rules, so you can choose to enforce or relax them.
Post # 16
Are your guests local to your wedding? Will these guests know other people? If so, there’s no reason you have to invite strangers who have dated your friends for a couple months. If they would have to make a weekend trip out of it, and wouldn’t know anyone, that’s a very different matter. You could still say no plus ones, but you should expect fewer guests. If they are local and know people, and you want a small intimate affair, but they don’t want to leave their new boyfriend for even a night, then, imho, I don’t think you are the rude one.