(Closed) No Plus Ones….need advice

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

It could be insulting to people receiving these invitations. They could be just as serious as someone who is engaged, even after few months (I moved in with my fiance three months after we started dating), and they may feel as if their relationship is trivialised a bit.

You made your decision to do it, and that was certainly yours to make. You are going to have to deal with people asking questions (and possibly, rightfully being hurt) as a result, unfortunately.

Post # 4
Member
45627 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

We hear you! There are many similar posts in the etiquette section-seems many people really have no idea how to behave when they recieve an invitation.

Stick to your position-don’t make excuses- as you have already seen, people will attempt to come up with sollutions.

Just say” I’m sorry but we are having an intimate wedding. We are not able to invite everyone we would love to celebrate with us.”

 

Post # 5
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

i understand your reasoning, but as a guest it hurts.  i was in a wedding, and the bride said i could not bring a date…. i had been dating my ex for 3 years at that point, and was pretty insulted and even considered not being her bridesmaid anymore.

it sucks for both sides, sorry you have to deal with it!

Post # 6
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Do you include living together as “engaged” ?

Post # 7
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@blue_eyed_bride:  Don’t feel bad about it. You made a decision and they need to understand that this is YOUR wedding and YOUR decision. I am sure they will have just as much fun without their +1 by their side. Maybe you can mention that. Money is tight all around, them paying won’t help. There are still other costs involved with having them other than just the plate cost. Just remind them that you can’t make an exception for “JUST THEM”. good luck, I am sorry you have to go thru this.

Post # 8
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You have to expect that people will want to bring a guest, even if their relationship with that guest is brand new; when you tell them they’re not allowed a guest, it’s a logical conclusion that you made that decision based on budget. It’s no different than a friend bringing a new flame to a happy hour birthday gathering and offering to pay for her date’s drinks. I would try my best not to let it irritate me— after all, it’s a self-inflicted wound.

Post # 9
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My H and I dated for 8 years before he proposed, so I always feel like the “engaged/married” rule can be really messed up sometimes.  So in the sense that it’s rude for people to give you attitude about this, it’s also rude to ask them to ditch their (potentially long-term) SO for the evening.

Post # 10
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@blue_eyed_bride:  that is so annoying! i cannot imagine bartering on an invitation with a bride. i can just hear it: “ill give you $50, 2 towel sets AND a kitchen aid attachment if i can bring my bf!”

stay strong with what you and FI decided but dont be too harsh about it. just keep reminding people that your budget doesnt allow extras and you want to keep the guest list intimate. i wasnt invited to a wedding last summer with FI and i was a bit hurt at first, so i get what others may say about it being risky to nix +1s… but then i got over it because i didnt know the couple at all, and we were not yet engaged and i didnt need to be there. i have gotten to know them for this year and they are great. i hold no ill will. your friends will get over it!

Post # 11
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Some people are incredibly serious after only a short time of dating. I understand why they want to bring their SO to your wedding. I’d be pretty upset to be invited alone when I was in a relationship.

Like other people said, it’s “your wedding”, so you’re going to do what you want. But I wouldn’t be upset or offended that these people are asking. I would have assumed (or hoped) that not being invited with my SO was an oversight TBH.

Post # 12
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@blue_eyed_bride:  What about living together? I would have put that on there too. Many people these days don’t want to get married for whatever reason but still live together.

I’d love to be married, but for now my guy and I are living together. I wouldn’t be pleased if I couldn’t bring him. If you weren’t a very good friend (and none of my very good friends would do this, mind you) I would skip your wedding because I wouldn’t want to go alone. Sorry, but that’s the truth. It would be a pain.. I’m a new driver.. I could then not have a drop of alcohol, yadda yadda. My boyfriend and I do things together and I think a wedding is a crappy thing to go to alone.

I do agree that it’s ok to weed out those who bring a date for the sake of bringing someone… but I am not surprised some people aren’t happy.

Post # 15
Member
2184 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

We did the same thing. We ended up being a little lenient (and kids were more than welcome), but for the most part we stayed true to the no plus ones. Honestly, why on earth should I invite someone I don’t know to my wedding? And pay an obscene amount of money for them to drink and eat? No thanks. I would assure those questioners that they will know folks there and you’re happy to seat them around those people. And if that’s not true, I may allow the SO to attend (but absolutely no bar-mates… yes, DH’s cousin tried this.). DH had one close friend who wouldn’t have known anyone, so we were happy to have her BF attend. Remember, you make the rules, so you can choose to enforce or relax them.

Post # 16
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Are your guests local to your wedding?  Will these guests know other people?  If so, there’s no reason you have to invite strangers who have dated your friends for a couple months.  If they would have to make a weekend trip out of it, and wouldn’t know anyone, that’s a very different matter.  You could still say no plus ones, but you should expect fewer guests.  If they are local and know people, and you want a small intimate affair, but they don’t want to leave their new boyfriend for even a night, then, imho, I don’t think you are the rude one.

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