No proposal

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
1601 posts
Bumble bee

Girl- this is a good thing! Thank God there is nothing tying you to this boat anchor! 

I think you could throw a rock and find a better guy lol

Come on lady you want a real prize! Not this joker 

 

Post # 17
Member
377 posts
Helper bee

You deserve better…end of

Get out now, find someone truly worthy of you (WHEN YOU’RE READY) and begin your proposal dreams then

Post # 19
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

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Whitney4 :  Hey! The bees are being super harsh and they are right – they just want to give you a wakeup call. You are taking it amazingly well!

I don’t want you to be too hard on yourself though. I just got married at 38, and at 36-37 I pretty much ignored all of my standards and was seeing this guy I just should not have been dating. He was handsome, funny, super smart, PhD, spoke French, cooked amazingly well, a martial artist, lived in my hometown with a great job and WANTED to get married and have kids soon. And because of all of that I ignored the fact that he was also a real ahole. He was super controlling, a jerk, everything had to be his way, he was selfish and expected me to make all the sacrifices while he made none because I had to ‘prove myself to him’. Blech. 

Sometimes we get scared that there will be no happy ending and we will not get what we deserve. I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke up with him, went to visit a friend of mine, and fell in love with my friend. We got married and I’m so incredibly happy. I’m really glad I didn’t put up with that guy just because I was afraid to be alone. 

So forgive yourself for lowering your standards, then lose this guy, and find someone better. He’s out there. 

Post # 21
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Did you mean you want to get married in general or to this guy? I am a bit confused. I’ve dated really horrible people in the past as well. It’s difficult to raise your standard unless you forgive yourself and know you deserve love as much as anyone else. This could happen to most people who are not aware of abusive behaviors (love bombing texts after harassing messages, huge red flag, look up emotional manipulation and abuse as well as a narcissistic personality disorder.)

Post # 22
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

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Whitney4 :  Oh, this guy would ALWAYS come back. We had so many fights and he would always weasel his way back in, acting like nothing had happened or it wasn’t a big deal or blaming me. My family would ask about him and I would tell them that the Weasel was no one I could be serious about because he was a jerk. But I continued to spend time with him because I had moved to an area where I didn’t really know anyone. I was pretty depressed and at least he was a distraction. In the back of my mind I kind of hoped it would all work out somehow.

I had made plans to go on a trip to visit a guy who used to be my best friend. He had fallen for me and after a disasterous attempt at dating (I could never reciprocate his feelings) we hadn’t seen each other in 6 years though we had kept in touch. The Weasel wasn’t too happy and was extra jerky which lead to me telling him just what I thought of him and walking out. Then he contacted me at the airport and begged me to just talk with him a little bit while I was gone and maybe we could work on things. I agreed to some talking, but over the course of the week the Weasel became more and more demanding and jerky. 

In the meantime, hangout out with my friend was wonderful. I could be myself. I could relax. He didn’t start fights with me. He was kind and thoughtful, and after 6 years had grown up a bit. It suddenly hit me that I was happier than I had been in years, and as the trip came to a close I became extremely sad and confused about what it all meant. On the last evening of the trip my friend and I were driving through the mountains and having a good conversation when Weasel tried to video call. It was very dark, raining, and there were wild animals running on the road so I told him that I didn’t want to distract my friend by talking on the phone but I was available to text. He was livid, insisted that I talk on the phone with him or video call, and refused to accept anything else. I was pissed that he was ruining my mood, ruining my last night with my friend, and being so…him…and I told him I was done. I shut my phone off and that was it for me. 

Like a day later, Weasel reached out and said that he was going to start dating other people, and if I could get my act together he would continue to see me as well and I could work on proving myself to him. I told him I thought that was a fantastic idea and I agreed – he should see other people. Not me. A few days later my friend suggested I come back for another visit since I was just sitting around bored and still on vacation from work, so I agreed and went back for another week and told him how I felt about him. Everything moved very quickly from there. Since we had been super close for years, had already dated, traveled together, lived together at one point we already knew a lot about each other and got to bypass the getting to know you stage. He had once moved to a foreign country for me, so I moved out to his home state for him. He proposed when I turned 38 and we got married the same year. 

I hear from Weasel from time to time. He told me soon after the breakup that he had cared about me ‘more than I knew’ and that he was willing to rekindle things but I just kept talking about how great my boyfriend was and he gave up after awhile. I now recognize him as having abusive behaviors and I don’t think he will change. I care about him as a person but I am SO GLAD I am not with him. My husband is amazing. I was just talking today about how he has been bringing me flowers consistently for months. I love flowers but I have never asked for them. When my bouquet dies and I throw it out, he comes home a week or so later with a new one, he even trims and places them in water so I don’t have to do any work. 

So since I was where you are just a short while ago, I’m going to give you what I think is probably the best advice I can. Raise your standards where character is concerned. Do not entertain men who don’t make you shine with happiness through their kindness. Do not date men you can’t wholly respect. However, LOWER your standards when it comes to looks. My fiance is a handsome guy, but wasn’t my physical type so I overlooked him for a long time. However by the time we started dating I had let my preference for that body type go and had become more open. So be very open to who you date. Put aside your preferences. Date guys that are attractive but who many women often overlook – shorter, balding, overweight. Put yourself out there, meet people, have fun, and be open. There are a lot of good men looking for love! 

Post # 23
Member
11348 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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Whitney4 :  

She wasn’t joking.

Post # 24
Member
961 posts
Busy bee

You lost me at 40’s lives at home with parents. 

Post # 26
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Whitney4 :  No, you are missing the point. They aren’t ‘ready’. They just have a bruised ego because you are moving on, or they want to get laid, or they feel lonely. It’s not about suddenly wanting you and being ready. 

I went on a fair amount of dates with guys who never pulled the trigger on a relationship for me, and oh did they cry when I told them I was in a new relationship. So you would think that when I was next single they would be interested in dating, right? Wrong. Same thing over and over. These guys aren’t interested in forever, just for right now. 

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