Post # 1
Hi there. Looks for some advice!
My bf and I have been dating for 8 years (He is 33 and I am 29). We have talked about marriage for the last four years probably and nothing close to a proposal has ever happened. It’s really hard to go to weddings, hear about engagements and keep waiting for mine. It is important to me. I can be very difficult with family and friends always asking when is it going to happen. I don’t wanna pressure him and give an ultimatum but I think waiting this long is affecting me mentally. I feel insecure and doubting if I’m wasting my time. I feel like there’s maybe something I’m doing wrong. I definately spoil him not just because I love him but because I am trying to be all the right things. We’re not 100% wanting children so that isn’t a factor at play. We both know marriage doesn’t change a relationship drastically, but he knows it’s important to me.
Please some advice, wondering if there’s no point me waiting till year 9. People are starting to not even ask us now when it’s gunna happen as I think they are doubting it too 🙁
Post # 2
kristy88 : I ended my last relationship because I wanted to get married and he didn’t. It freed me up to meet the wonderful man who is now my husband.
If being married is important to you have a talk with him and narrow down a timeline.
Post # 3
I feel like we need a little more information. Have you two had mature, serious talks about timelines? If so, what was said? If not, that’s definitely your first step.
Be wary of listening to anyone here who immediately tells you to leave him; recognize how drastic that is. Believe it or not, you’re both still young, and plenty of people don’t get married until their mid or late thirties. Particularly if you’re not super keen on having children, not being engaged yet doesn’t HAVE to be this terrible thing. But if you’re feeling this upset about it, you clearly have to openly and maturely communicate your needs to your partner. If he dismisses them and/or his timeline is vastly different than yours, only then is it time to think about cutting your losses. But even then it’s up to you to decide if you’re willing to modify your timeline to better align with his.
Is the relationship still growing? Is the physical aspect good? Is there intellectual or spiritual or emotional connection and inspiration? If so, it might just be a relationship worth waiting for. If not, well… marriage might not be worthwhile regardless.
Post # 4
kristy88 : have you two talked timelines? Has he blown past dates? Have you thought about proposing to him?
If he’s against marriages, that’s one thing. If he wants to get married “someday” but hasn’t proposed, then he’s had enough time. I don’t say this to be mean, just honest. But if it’s been 8 years, then he probably doesn’t want to marry you.
Sorry bee 😕 Best thing you can do is have an honest talk with him. If he doesn’t follow through, then you should consider need to moving on.
Post # 5
kristy88 : yeah 8 years in, others stop asking because they figure it’s not going to happen and don’t want to make you feel worse..
I would immediately cease worrying about his feelings and possibly feeling pressured. He’s 33, it’s been 8 yrs! This is negatively affecting you and your self esteem. I also would lose the dream of some romantic faux “proposal” . Chances are remote at this late juncture..
Put the big girl pants on TODAY and ask him *directly* if you can start planning a wedding/elopement… and how soon (exact date). If he avoids answering/ says no, be DIRECT, ask for specifics on why not!
Once you have this information, you can decide what you would like to do…
Post # 6
what exactly did you discuss over the past 4 years of “marriage talk”? Sounds like you brought it up and he told you what you wanted to hear- again and again with no solid plans. Why are you letting him control your life? If you want married then speak up and take charge! Tell him you want to go ring shopping and set a date for the wedding. If he’s not ready by now then he doesn’t want to marry you ever. 8 years is too long.
Post # 7
Well I definitely would not wait until the 9yr mark to say anything. Sit him down and have a serious discussion about it tonight! Not tomorrow, not next week, but tonight! This whole “pressure” excuse is just nonsense after 8yrs and you definitely deserve an honest concise answer. Don’t settle for some wishy, washy vague mumbling about the future. Sounds like he may be just very comfortable and settled with the way things are at the moment and if you don’t say anything then he is none the wiser.
Post # 8
You’re ‘trying to be all the right things’. What does that even mean? Are you auditioning for the wife position?
What are the ‘right things’?
I found this part of your post a bit concerning.
Do you two ever have serious, adult discussions about your futures? That’s how you get to the information you need. Please, no game playing, no hinting and no expecting him to read your mind. Once he has heard exactly what you need and want in a concrete way, you’ll be able to make informed decisions.
Post # 9
Don’t wait. Sit down and tell him you want to get married, and want to set a date. Ask him if he wants to be married to you. Don’t let your life to be held hostage because “the man is supposed to propose”.
Post # 10
kristy88 : to me, if he hasn’t proposed in 8 yrs it mean he s not keen on getting married to me or he doesn’t want to get married at all. Sit down n ask him what does he want? If I were u (while I don’t want to give ultimatum) I would still hint that I would like to move on if he does not plan to propose n get married soon. i would suggest you to move on if something doesn’t happen soon.
Post # 11
I hate when people say “if he hasn’t proposed in 8 years then he’s never going to marry you.” That’s unfair and you don’t know their situation.
OP you need to speak to him honestly about how waiting is hurting you because to you it feels like you aren’t doing the right thing otherwise he would have proposed already. That’s not fair to you.
Speak to him frankly about actually getting married and if he still sees that as your next step. If he does, then you can talk about when.
I say this as someone who dated her Darling Husband for 8 years and two days before he proposed. And he successfully surprised me with a super romantic proposal. We had discussed being married seriously for years but never had a timeline for the proposal. We’ve now been married for 3 months.
Post # 12
teacher-bee-in-the-sea : I’m with you. My husband and I dated for 7 years before we got engaged. Just because you’ve dated for a long time doesn’t mean he won’t/doesn’t want to propose.
Post # 13
My husband and I were together for 10 years before we got engaged. If you sincerely know in your hearts that you want to be together forever, marriage will happen 🙂
Post # 14
I think it’s important to remember that there is no rule that the woman should wait around for a proposal. If you have agreed that you both want to get married then you can propose. If being married is very important to you then you can talk to him. If he says something that he wants to wait then you have to either accept the answer or decide you want to find someone who does want to get married
Post # 15
I don’t think that its a sign that he definitely doesn’t want to be married. I am probably in the minority but lets be real here. 33 is still very young especially for a guy. Most of the men in my friend group weren’t married until around 35 but i know that seems to be dependent on the area. Also, most of those people were in very long term relationships similar to yours.
It’s important to look at multiple aspects of your relationship and him as an indivdual. How is he in other areas of his life? For example, my Darling Husband is the kind of guy that I have to motivate to do ANYTHING. It’s been that way for the course of our relationship and something that I’ve learned how to deal with and handle appropriately. If your guy is the same way, it makes sense. Maybe he feels like you are already married and assumes not much will change so doesn’t even think about it or see the point. You need to think about what you want out of the relationsip. If he is everything you’ve ever imagined for yourself in a mate than the possbility of you leaving him is not very likely. In which case, you have to make the decision to let go and not give into resentment. At then end of theday , I got passed my “Waiting” anxiety by acknowledging I had my perfect partner regardless of our title. I held onto the love I felt for him andbelieved him to be my husband in my mind without stressing over it and in time it happened organically. (FWIW: I am a huge law of attraction – you get what you give believer)