No proposal and we have 2 kids

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
  • poll: Should I leave him

    Yes

    Wait it out longer

    No

  • Post # 2
    Member
    239 posts
    Helper bee

     My daughter is from a previous relationship where he abdoned us

    we have a toddler and a 9 month old baby. 

    Your older child is from a previous relationship or this relationship? I’m confused because of the above two sentences. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    947 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    It sounds like you have 3 children?

    Regardless, He knows what you want but doesn’t care.  Now you need to decide what you’re going to do about that. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1006 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    View original reply
    annabelle890 :  I would have a serious conversation and set up a timeline you are comfortable with and be prepared to leave. Question, both your kids don’t share your last name? I wouldn’t ask him for any permission, why can’t you change their names, especially your toddler who is from a previous relationship. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    5727 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I stopped reading at the words “He won’t let me”.

    Wtf OP. He doesn’t get to LET you do a damn thing. He’s just a boyfriend, he’s made that clear. And please tell me that your oldest isn’t carrying the last name of her absent father. Frankly I’d be inclined to give the kids my maiden name, leave and sue for child support. I dont appreciate men who play stupid games or promise what they have no intention of delivering. 

    You need to learn to stand up for yourself because you clearly have no idea how to do it. Dont give in so readily. Don’t accept him referring to you as fiancee. Call him out on that. Don’t accept him telling you what name to give your child. He wants a voice? Let him marry you. Then you can decide what to do together. 

    My respect for fathers who cant be bothered to marry the women they live and procreate with is pretty low. My tolerance of them is even lower. Stop worrying about what he wants and focus on getting your own needs met. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    2051 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    View original reply
    annabelle890 :  how have you been together for 5 years yet your toddler is not his biologically? Did you break up for a while and see your daughters biological dad?

    Post # 9
    Member
    1828 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2020

    You’re both very young. I am glad you got out of an abusive relationship. I strongly recommend that you take domestic violence counseling so you learn how to recognize the red flags of an abuser so you can avoid an abusive relationship before you get too entangled.

    I mean this in the nicest, most nonjudgmental way possible, if you haven’t already, you should look into long term birth control options such as an IUD. You have a toddler with an abusive deadbeat and a baby with another man who was happy to play daddy until he got bored of it. On top of all this, you’re only in your mid 20’s.

    Your current bf does not seem super invested in you or your children. Obviously he needs to be held responsible for the child he created with you, but expecting him to be a father figure to a child that is not his is a big ask. It was messed up of him to play daddy, lead you on, then fizzle out, that’s confusing to children and not fair to you. Your bf’s actions make him a poor parent.

    I am surprised that a toddler would be verbal enough to ask why you are not married. I didn’t think a toddler would be able to comprehend the concept of marriage. How would a toddler know or care what marriage is? I think you are either projecting or having inappropriate grown up conversations with a very young child.

    Instead of getting resentful over a ring, I think you should take time to focus on your own empowerment and enjoy being single. You will have to coparent with your bf, regardless of whether you resume a romantic relationship. I recommend that you get formal child support orders in place.

    I think you both have underlying issues that a marriage won’t fix. He lacks maturity, commitment, and forethought. You seem to trade one bad relationship for another. After that initial abusive relationship, I’m sure this one seems like a godsend. But you could do better for yourself and your children. However, that uphill battle will only become steeper if you have any more children with noncommittal fathers. Best of luck, Bee.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2068 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    It’s not that hard OP. He is telling his coworkers and random people you two are engaged? Great! 

    Tell him that the two of you are going to the courthouse next week to get a marriage license and then have a courthouse wedding 3 days after that. Done. Married. If he says no you just say, you are going around telling coworkers and random people I’m your fiancé, so looks like we are engaged. Time to follow through on your word an spromise to me and get married. 

    He says no to the court house wedding? Your out. Done. It’s put up or shut up time. And yes- the time for a big wedding of your dreams has passed. That passed when you had a child with him before being married. Ship has sailed. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    756 posts
    Busy bee

    Toddlers don’t repeatedly ask their parents if they’re married, when they’re getting married etc unless they’ve overheard adult conversations on this being an issue, to a toddler you’re just mommay and daddy. So already the tension/ fall-out from adult problems is being picked up by your children. This isn’t healthy for them and it certainly doesn’t sound like you’re happy. 

    Why you want to saddle yourself with a man-child who likes calling you fiance and play-acting at being a family man while dicking you about on a proposal and spending family money on his electronics is a huge mystery to me, but if you want to marry him then it’s time to stop holding out for a proposal. He’s already calling you his fiance (though he has no right to), you  have two children, tell him you want to go to the courthouse and get married within the next two months and whatever money is available for this is your reception budget- even if it’s cake and coffee in your living room, a backyard bbq or a post-courthouse lunch in a restaurant. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    7937 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    im very confused.  you have a toddler and a 9 month old, you have been with your boyfriend for 5 years, but he is not the biological father of your oldest.  your oldest has the last name of your boyfriend.

    has he adopted the oldest?  how old is she exactly that she comprehends marriage concept?  infant is under 1, toddler is 1-2, preschooler 3-5.

    Post # 13
    Member
    138 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2020

    When you say “toddler”, do you actually mean she’s 5-6 years old? That’s the only way the whole timeline would make sense…

    But anyway, I agree with a PP that he doesn’t have the right to “not let” you give your own children your own name. He won’t marry you, and there’s no point in begging someone who just doesn’t want to marry you to do so. There are plenty of men out there who actually value marriage, go and find one of them. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    5170 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    How have you been together 5 years if you have a toddler with someone else? 

    And another vote for toddlers not understanding the concept of marriage or being upset and confused that mummy and daddy aren’t married.  The only way a toddler or young child is saying this is if you have put it in their head, which is really sad.  

    If he has been calling you fiance why don’t you suggest booking a wedding? What do you think his reaction would be?

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