(Closed) No Proposal But Engaged?

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 47
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2015

So, my boyfriend, fiance now, and I have been together for five years. We have been discussing marriage for the last six months. We sat down yesterday and talked about it some more and decided to go ahead and be engaged. We bought the ring, should be here soon! We are wainting to tell people until the ring arrives. There was obviously not much of a proposal. The thing is we still want to have a long engagement to get used to the idea of spending THE REST OF OUR LIVES together. We have lived together for four years. Are we doing this right? I feel like it is great, but I am really worried about what my mom will think. Neither he or muself have ever been overly romantic so we are fine. Should I worry???

Post # 48
Member
1643 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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@thecharli:  I don’t think you need to worry!  It sounds like a beautiful way to decide things in a relationship!  AND it sounds like you are engaged!!  congratulations 🙂

 

In regards to the rest of this thread:  I don’t need to go into dramatic details, but after 10.5 wonderful years together, we had a rough one – specifically over weddings and babies, and babies and weddings and future type stuff….  so I wasn’t expecting a massive gesture, I was just grateful it came.  He asked me to pick the ring I wanted in March, and in October he gave it to me…..  did he get down on one knee… no….  did he say will you marry me?….  no….  but he did say I want you to wear this ring as a promise that we will get married and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  So I guess it depends on what ‘proposal’ mean to you 🙂

Post # 49
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My Fiance and I have been together 9 years…..

4 years ago we chose to buy a house instead of getting married…I always joked I’d rather have a $250000 house than a $1000 ring…LOL….

In November/December of this year he started acting strange…telling me about some guy at work who wanted him to go engagement ring shopping….I was like…”OKKKKK”….Undecided

 

So then he was asking me about what type of ring I liked….i was working over christmas at a jewelry store so I told him which one i liked…..(never thought of it before)…..he then started telling me about why a solitaire was the best ring yadda yadda yadda…

I had been engaged before and had a solitaire (albeit a really cheap one)…..and i said i hate solitaires…and my Fiance had an anxiety attack…to which i though “a crap, he bought me a ring”…..

I got super nervous, he was taking me out for a very fancy dinner in toronto for my birthday…i had to get a nice dress…I went and got my nails done just in case….

When we were waiting at the bar for our table he asked what i wanted to do….i said “eat dinner”…he said “no i mean about getting married”…i laughed and said “elope”….

at the end of dinner i was rambling about wanting to get a maid and how we have to interview etc……he stopped me and said “i brought you here for another reason.  I want to ask you to marry me…..”  then he stuck the ring box in front of me…he didn’t even open it…

I told him I knew…..his odd behaviour had tipped me off…..then i stopped and said “I need to say yes right?”

I think whatever works for you is what works…..He wanted to try to be romantic….we’re not romantic….and we know each other very well….if I didn’t know he was going to propose after 9 years we likely shouldn’t be together LOL

Post # 50
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My parents did this… and we did too! We weren’t purposely trying to skip the proposal, we were just having a serious conversation and decided to get married! Then, we worked together to design the ring. Sure, sometimes I wish he had surprised me with an awesome proposal, but I still married the man of my dreams and I got to choose my ring!

Post # 51
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

Me too, engaged (or planning a wedding if you call if that) and planning a lavish wedding.  I dont have an engagement ring because at this point I just said, spend everything on a bling-y wedding ring. (its my second marriage and first time I had a giant engagement ring and a plain  platinum band) OH and a really romantic proposal. 

As far as engagement stories go-some are truly beautiful but I have to say very few are actually a surprise, and most are in a range of “planned surprise” and frankly one of my friends (she drove us nuts) basically told her boyfriend of many years that she wanted to be proposed to under the eiffel tower, SOOO after she finished law school and when they happened to be in Paris and he happened to order a limo that day to take them to dinner…C’mon, when she tells the incredibly romantic story we all just smile and try not to roll our eyes.  No offense to those who have romantic stories.  

Im not wearing glass slippers but I do believe I’m marrying my prince

 

Post # 52
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My FH’s brother had a baby with his then girlfriend, now fiance, and because they live across the country from all of his family, they basically let us all know ahead of time that they were going to get married in July so that we could all plan accordingly for flight tickets and such. So from there, their planning started with no ring, no proposal. But its what worked for them.

A few months later (this February), my now fiance and I were talking and I know this sounds stupid but I am super number conscience and started looking at dates around our dating anniversary for next year (I love odds numbers and 2013…) So I found a two dates that would work for us. We went to bed, the next day we had lunch together like we do since we work in the same hospital and talked about it again. By the end of the day, we decided we were going to get married next year and the planning started. We didn’t want to worry about the ring but that weekend his brother told us about Kay’s big sale and went looking. Well we found a ring but that’s a whole other story… Anyway, were planning without a proposal and we don’t mind at all! 🙂

Post # 53
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

 

Ha I love all of these stories, here I was thinking Fi and I were some freaks of nature. Fi and I went out for our anniversary and marriage came up, I was thinking three or more years down the line, Fi didn’t see a point in waiting, we pulled out the calendar and just picked a date and came to a mutual decision. People were like how can you be engaged without a ring?  Three months later we went on a short getaway and Fi gave me ring, again no on his knee will you be my wife. So people are like oh so you really are engaged now, no you idiots I was engaged three months ago! 

People have been so rude about our “unromantic” engagement. Fi still has some hurt feelings from his Dads comments because he Dad is very old school, but it turns out a lot of peoples parents who are old school did it that, its feels good to know we aren’t the only ones.

Post # 54
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I cried while reading your posts here. I feel bad about not being proposed. I am not interested with ring’s carat. I just want some formal asking of permission. It shows respect to me as a woman and a wife to be. I am now engaged and we are really planning for the big day. But it seems I am not happy about it. I know I’m just being too sensitive but I find it very important to me in this lifetime. But I can’t tell him that. How should he know?

Post # 54
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

*** I had to resurrect this thread, because I was googling it to make sure that I’m not totally whacked out for not wanting a proposal!**

I had a change of heart when it comes to this when I asked my 95 year old grandma about how my grandpa proposed… She said, “Oh, I don’t know. I guess we just talked about it, and then we did it!” To me, that is WAY more classically romantic than this big, elaborate, fake crap that people come up with. Just be real!  

SO and I have talked quite a bit about getting married (no longer “if” we get married, but “when” we’re married conversations). He’s “traditionally” picking out the ring, with a little input, of course! and I’ve made it abundantly clear that I don’t want a big proposal at ALL… I don’t care if he gives me the ring just like any other gift; I just want it to be from him!  <br /><br />

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  vericari.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  vericari.
Post # 55
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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vericari:  I had go comment on this post too! i knew i wanted to marry my partner from the beginning and we I said i didnt want a propsal because it wasnt fair that one person had to plan this ellaborate event for the other when it was a mutual decision so we just ordered my ring ( shes still trying to decide which one she wants )nand i said were gonna go out to dinner ill pay for drinks she will pay for food hahah and we will toast to us mutually decided that we love each other enough to spend the rest of our life together i believe marraige is equality and thats what i think it should be from the second you both say yes

Post # 56
Member
27 posts
Newbee

  

View original reply
CheeneyC:  Hey I am in the same boat here, getting married in about two months and I am starting to feel super depressed he did not do anything special to ask me to marry him. How did it come out for you? Any advice? I am real sad, he knows this is importante for me, and it hurts even more that either he does not care and is not giving it a priority or he is just leaving it to last time matters… I know you probably do not check updates in this page but I would reall REALLY like to talk to someone that understands

Post # 57
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

My honey and I had a big ta-do about when to get married. I basically wanted the commitment of an engagement before we went forward with our plans in getting a house and living together. After a one week stalemate, we finally decided to get married over dinner at a Christmas party. So, no fanfare, no rainbows and fireworks, but we’re getting married, I have a beautiful man and a beautiful ring. Ta-da!

Post # 58
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

So, here it goes. My bf and I have been together 4+ years. I recently moved with him to a different state for his career. I made it clear to him that I want to be engaged before we moved. It didn’t happen. I asked him quite a bit this past year to make sure that he knew my intentions. I told him that the proposal didn’t have to be grand or anything but I want it to be special.

And this was what happened…

I asked him one night if he was planning to propose soon. He said the weather is too cold to do it now, which made me think that it wouldn’t happen for another four or five months. I also told him that I was starting to look at apartments because I don’t like playing house unless I knew he was committed. I was lying in bed and he gave me the ring. He didn’t ask and didn’t get on one knee. I was happy but sad at the same time. I only told my mom that he gave me the ring. I didn’t tell my friends or anyone else. I don’t know what to do next. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I want it to be memorable. What should I do?

Post # 59
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

We didn’t exactly have a “normal” proposal. It ended with the whole down-on-one-knee cutesy proposal, but we made the decisions together. We sat down and decided that it was time to buy the ring, ordered it together, picked it up from the post office together, and even set our date and booked a venue a couple weeks before the actual proposal happened. The proopsal was still special, but it wasn’t a huge surprise at all. 

Post # 60
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

We talked about it and decided to get married and get a ring made, as we have been together for a few years and are both in our 30s and want to start a family.  The ring took a few months to be made and for us to pay for it, and it was actually a really stressful time because there were suddenly friends and family getting engaged all around us, and family were pressuring us to get engaged too, but we didn’t want to announce our engagement until we actually had the ring and could make it official. 

When we eventually got the ring, my fiance did propose, but it wasn’t really a romantic proposal as I knew it was coming.  I’m happy to be engaged, but I do kind of wish we’d done it differently.  To anyone considering choosing/designing a ring prior to being officially engaged, I wouldn’t recommend it.  It may be practical, as you can make sure the timing is right for both of you, and you will get to choose your engagement ring, but it’s not surprising or romantic like a proposal should be.

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