No Proposal But Given a Ring

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
18 posts
Newbee

Hi Bee,

 

im sorry the proposal was a let down. In my experience if the guy is scared to be engaged you’ll most likely deal with the pitfalls of his fear of commitment. He may go ‘along’ with the idea of wedding planning but his heart won’t really be into it.

 

I feel in your case you need to have an honest conversation and tell him not to waste anymore of your time if you two are on separate pages.

 

Sure he gave you the ring but it sounds begrudgingly…

 

lisa

Post # 3
Member
2343 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I would be upset at well, not really at the lack of a romantic speech but the comments afterwards.

it sounds like he gave you the ring while caught up in the moment then after the moment (sex) was over he realized his mistake.

I would be really hurt by his comments and then him playing them off as a joke. I would try to have another conversation to get to the bottom of how he’s truly feeling and where this relationship is headed.

will you be willing to walk away if it turns out he doesn’t want to get married?

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michelle1957 :  

Post # 4
Member
407 posts
Helper bee

I’d give it back and tell him to make sure it is what he wants. It sounds like he is scared and pacifying you. I would be uncomfortable moving forward with him being wishy washy. Tell him to take 6 months and truly figure it out. 

Post # 6
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee

This is very concerning, bee.

“We’ve had a very up and down relationship” is not a good sign for a relationship, especially for a relationship of a year and a half. That is not a good foundation for marriage.

That he made jokes about taking it all back is yet another giant red flag flapping in the wind. Sounds like he’s not wanting to commit.

The ring means nothing. It is just a piece of jewelry that he has given you with no meaning attached.

If I were you, I would take this as a giant sign that this is not the guy for you. I think he is making it pretty clear that he does not intend to marry you anytime soon.

I’m sorry bee.

 

Post # 7
Member
972 posts
Busy bee

I would’ve never accepted it. Since you already did you are teaching him he can get by with the bare minimum. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life? If not, give it back to him.  

You don’t need a ring to be engaged; but you do need a proposal. You deserve much better than this.  

Post # 8
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m not sure I have enough information.  Lots of people are disappointed in their proposal, but that doesn’t mean their partner didn’t mean well.  Proposing is nerve racking even when you’re sure of the answer.  I said those same ‘jokes’ to my husband throughout our entire engagement because I like to tease.  If you told him all he had to do was give it to you there’s a lesson for you here-don’t say things you don’t mean.

Now your boyfriend/fiancé has said things in the past that makes it seem they’re not jokes, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t.  Is he prone to lying?

Post # 9
Member
2062 posts
Buzzing bee

Give the ring back. 

I’m not sure how old you both are, this is different depending on if he is in his 30s or 40s, or if you are both in your early 20s. If you are older, you need to do some hard thinking on if you want to continue this relationship knowing he might not want to marry you. If you are pretty young, then it’s possible that he may love you but not be ready for marriage at all at this point, and maybe in a few years he will be mature enough for that step. 

If you decide to continue this relationship, sit him down and say something like this: “I appreciate that you went to the trouble of getting this ring, but I need to give it back to you. I don’t feel like you truly want to make this committment to me, and it breaks my heart to see it on my finger. I am so disappointed that something I have dreamed about – being proposed to – was ruined because you shoved a ring at me without actually asking me to marry you or even saying you love me. This whole experience has been incredibly painful to me. Please don’t do something like this to me again unless you are sure it is something you really want, and take some steps to make it meaningful and full of love for us both.”

Post # 10
Member
647 posts
Busy bee

 Sounds like you haven’t clearly communicated your expectations & needs, and that neither of you is being open and vulnerable with how you truly feel about getting engaged.

Make time to talk & use this as a litmus test to see if you can.

Post # 11
Member
866 posts
Busy bee

I don’t know that I’d throw the ring back at him. To be honest I proposed to my SO and kind of botched the whole OP which ended in me going “do you want it” at the end (derrrp) so it might be just nerves. 

That being said, sounds like you should tell him everything you just told us about being concerned that he doesn’t really want to get married but feels like he has to etc and see what he has to say about it. 

Post # 12
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I wouldn’t take the ring in that circumstance, I would let it be known that I would like to be married but Id wait for a better than sub par attempt at and engagement and tell him if he needed help with that to ask my friends and family… and if he is “too scared” maybe it’s not something he really wants.

Post # 13
Member
5348 posts
Bee Keeper

I think he just sounds a bit clueless. 

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