Post # 1
I need some thoughts on this because im kind of feeling sad about the whole thing.
Quick background, weve been dating about a year and a half and we have always talked about being engaged since the very begining. Weve had a very up and down relationship but weve always known that we want to spend our lives together and we love each other very much. Everytime we have talked about engagement he always says hes scared.
So the other day we were naked about to make love and he brings me the ring asking me if i want it. There was no “will you marry me” “i love you” “i want to spend the rest of my life with you” nothing, no meaningful words said infact i had to be the one to tell him that i love him. It was basically like heres the ring now take it. Then after taking the ring and making love he says things like “its not too late” “you can give it back” “we dont need to do this” and it hurt my feelings quite a bit but i let it go and dont mention anything to him. I’ll be honest there was no proposal and the way i got the ring with nothing meaningful being said was pretty bad and upseting because it makes it feel like being engaged is nothing.
So now i tell him how i feel about everything and he says that because weve talked about being engaged that the only thing he had to do was give the ring to me. Then i ask him about the stuff he was saying after “its not too late etc” and he says he was joking. Due to him always being scared of being engaged and the way it all happened plus the stuff he said to me after makes me feel really sad and uncertain about the whole thing and 2 days after being engaged we are already arguing about the whole thing.
Do you think its petty to be upset that there was no proposal or any meaningful words being said when the ring was given? i’d really like some advice so please tell me your honest opinion thanks!
Post # 2
im sorry the proposal was a let down. In my experience if the guy is scared to be engaged you’ll most likely deal with the pitfalls of his fear of commitment. He may go ‘along’ with the idea of wedding planning but his heart won’t really be into it.
I feel in your case you need to have an honest conversation and tell him not to waste anymore of your time if you two are on separate pages.
Sure he gave you the ring but it sounds begrudgingly…
Post # 3
I would be upset at well, not really at the lack of a romantic speech but the comments afterwards.
it sounds like he gave you the ring while caught up in the moment then after the moment (sex) was over he realized his mistake.
I would be really hurt by his comments and then him playing them off as a joke. I would try to have another conversation to get to the bottom of how he’s truly feeling and where this relationship is headed.
will you be willing to walk away if it turns out he doesn’t want to get married?
Post # 4
I’d give it back and tell him to make sure it is what he wants. It sounds like he is scared and pacifying you. I would be uncomfortable moving forward with him being wishy washy. Tell him to take 6 months and truly figure it out.
Post # 5
I would be upset about this.
Post # 6
This is very concerning, bee.
“We’ve had a very up and down relationship” is not a good sign for a relationship, especially for a relationship of a year and a half. That is not a good foundation for marriage.
That he made jokes about taking it all back is yet another giant red flag flapping in the wind. Sounds like he’s not wanting to commit.
The ring means nothing. It is just a piece of jewelry that he has given you with no meaning attached.
If I were you, I would take this as a giant sign that this is not the guy for you. I think he is making it pretty clear that he does not intend to marry you anytime soon.
I’m sorry bee.
Post # 7
I would’ve never accepted it. Since you already did you are teaching him he can get by with the bare minimum. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life? If not, give it back to him.
You don’t need a ring to be engaged; but you do need a proposal. You deserve much better than this.
Post # 8
I’m not sure I have enough information. Lots of people are disappointed in their proposal, but that doesn’t mean their partner didn’t mean well. Proposing is nerve racking even when you’re sure of the answer. I said those same ‘jokes’ to my husband throughout our entire engagement because I like to tease. If you told him all he had to do was give it to you there’s a lesson for you here-don’t say things you don’t mean.
Now your boyfriend/fiancé has said things in the past that makes it seem they’re not jokes, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t. Is he prone to lying?
Post # 9
Give the ring back.
I’m not sure how old you both are, this is different depending on if he is in his 30s or 40s, or if you are both in your early 20s. If you are older, you need to do some hard thinking on if you want to continue this relationship knowing he might not want to marry you. If you are pretty young, then it’s possible that he may love you but not be ready for marriage at all at this point, and maybe in a few years he will be mature enough for that step.
If you decide to continue this relationship, sit him down and say something like this: “I appreciate that you went to the trouble of getting this ring, but I need to give it back to you. I don’t feel like you truly want to make this committment to me, and it breaks my heart to see it on my finger. I am so disappointed that something I have dreamed about – being proposed to – was ruined because you shoved a ring at me without actually asking me to marry you or even saying you love me. This whole experience has been incredibly painful to me. Please don’t do something like this to me again unless you are sure it is something you really want, and take some steps to make it meaningful and full of love for us both.”
Post # 10
Sounds like you haven’t clearly communicated your expectations & needs, and that neither of you is being open and vulnerable with how you truly feel about getting engaged.
Make time to talk & use this as a litmus test to see if you can.
Post # 11
I don’t know that I’d throw the ring back at him. To be honest I proposed to my SO and kind of botched the whole OP which ended in me going “do you want it” at the end (derrrp) so it might be just nerves.
That being said, sounds like you should tell him everything you just told us about being concerned that he doesn’t really want to get married but feels like he has to etc and see what he has to say about it.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t take the ring in that circumstance, I would let it be known that I would like to be married but Id wait for a better than sub par attempt at and engagement and tell him if he needed help with that to ask my friends and family… and if he is “too scared” maybe it’s not something he really wants.
Post # 13
I think he just sounds a bit clueless.