No proposal resulting in no sex life

posted 2 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
2055 posts
Buzzing bee

I am going to ignore his lack of a proposal for now. Are you on hormonal birth control?

Post # 5
2297 posts
Buzzing bee

That makes sense to me. I wouldn’t call it a deep psychological issue, though. It’s a pretty natural response.

Since this is affecting you this way, you should probably talk to him about all of it; you’re needs not being met, why you’re not interested in sex, and how you’re ready for marriage.

This situation shouldn’t be swept under the rug. It’s there everyday and it’s making itself known. If a productive and clarifying discussion of marriage and what each of you wants doesn’t happen soon, other parts of your relationship could go the way of your sex life, and we don’t want that.

ETA: this could have a real effect on your body as well. Address marriage with him so that it doesn’t get to the point where the mental block changes into a libido problem.

Post # 7
8104 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

elisa24 :  You probably have a constant low-level anger simmering under the surface. Not enough to boil over (very often) but enough to keep you from wanting to share yourself with him that way. Despite the hot “angry sex” in movies and tv, most of us actually don’t want to have sex with people we’re mad at.

Post # 9
2297 posts
Buzzing bee

Since he’s made his position known and isn’t budging, start thinking about whether staying in this relationship is in your best interest.

It doesn’t sound like it is, honestly.

ETA: you asked a PP what you can do to “overcome this”, “this” being the sexual issue. Maybe overcoming it isn’t the right thing to do as that would basically mean ignoring the cause of it to begin with.

Your heart may be willing to wait, but are your mind and body willing to wait, too? It doesn’t sound like it.

Trying to find ways around the huge elephant in the room tends to cause more problems, not less.

Post # 10
1977 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

elisa24 :  I’m concerned about the arguing a lot. You say it’s only a little but that is subjective from person to person. If you guys are having constant arguments over the same things that never get resolved or it’s just different things coming up, I can see why he wouldn’t committ to marriage yet.  It’s definitely not fair for him to not be honest with you about it when he knows how you feel, but at the same time I wouldn’t want to marry someone I argue with all the time. In his mind it could be a lot different than what you think. Also, sometimes you can’t see from the outside that you guys may really argue a lot and it may be a compatibility issue. My sister was in a relationship like that where all they did was fight and we told her how it looked from the outside but she couldn’t see it. Once they split up she saw that they really fighting all the time about every little thing. Not saying this is true for you but it could be a reason why he’s dragging his feet and not committing. 

Post # 12
2264 posts
Buzzing bee

All couples argue sometimes. Humans are flawed and when you jam them together and make them share life/space some amount of friction is inevitable. 

If he’s concerned about how you argue or what you argue about then that’s something the two of you can work on. But if he wants you to be perfectly happy 100% of the time before you get married, he’s dreamin (and/or making bullshit excuses)

And yes, not getting your emotional needs met in a relationship can definitely lead to a decline in sex drive. My body checked out of my last relationship before my head or my heart. 

Post # 14
2297 posts
Buzzing bee

elisa24 :  Have you proposed trying to work on the arguing issue he has? Like, actively work on it?

If you haven’t, you should. I almost want to say that you should not say anything else about marriage or children and talk to him just about the arguing.

How receptive he is to working on it should tell you whether that’s really the issue. If he comes up with another reason why he doesn’t want to get married, it’ll be pretty clear that he just doesn’t want to get married.

Post # 15
1070 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s pretty much a no brainer that you have no desire for him because he won’t meet your needs. Quite frankly in would encourage you not to hang out in this position for too long. He’s not ready because you argue….because he’s not ready is just a vicious circle. Please don’t hang in there waiting for him to change. He’s just the familiar at this point, but it sounds like you need someone who may be less familiar but more suited to your needs. 

And I have to say I get a lot of flack about this, but I believe it with my whole heart: don’t live with someone you want to marry until you’re engaged. Just don’t do it.

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