No proposal yet

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Hostess
7104 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2019

forlorn :  Oh bee. Big hugs. I know how hard it was. I was with my ex just over 4 years, we broke up for a bit as I wanted to get married and he didn’t. Then he wanted me back and promised we would get married. We didn’t, we broke up for good. Being ready when your partner isn’t and possibly will never be is really tough. You have to decide what is more important, keeping the relationship going but potentially he will never want to marry you, or break up and move on and find someone who values the prospect as marriage as much as you do. 

Post # 3
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

There’s absolutely no reason you should have to ban the topic from your head. It’s meaningful and important to you, and because of that, it should be important to your SO. 

One of the constant refrains on this board is that if a man wants to marry you, he will make it happen. You won’t have to pester him, nip at his heels, or otherwise direct his actions. Even if this man says he wants to marry you, it’s obvious he doesn’t want that *right now*. 

I agree with you that four years should be plenty of time for him to know and decide. Now you have a decision: If he can’t commit, how long do you give him? When do you walk away and find someone who will value you… who wants to marry you? Is it that important to you to be married, or can you tolerate being a girlfriend for ten or more years? 

It seems that most of your conversations about this have been arguments. You need to talk to your SO in a calm and collected way, one last time. You should lay out your needs. “SO, I love you and want to be with you, but being married is a need for me, and it’s something I’m unwilling to compromise on.”  Tell him how wonderful your relationship is, how much you care about him, but be firm on needing to be married. Then tell him your expectations. “I expect that we will be engaged by the end of this summer. Is that something you can commit to?” If he says yes, hold him to it. If he says no, ask him what he thinks a reasonable timeframe is, and if that’s agreeable to you, hold him to it. Don’t pester him, don’t remind him. If there is no proposal by the end of the summer (for example), not only did he break his word to you, but he doesn’t want to marry you. It’s best for you to move on. 

Post # 4
Member
6269 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

You shouldn’t have to ban this topic from your head. It’s an important topic!

Have you had a serious, sit down conversation with him about this? About what you both want? Discussed timelines? 

Post # 5
Member
77 posts
Worker bee

Agree with the pps, why should you have to ban the topic. You have every right to want commitment, and if your current bf isn’t willing to give it to you, you should leave. There are many guys out there who want to get married and won’t need to be pleaded with for years. 

Bring it up properly with your bf and say that marriage is a priority for you, and you won’t stay with him unless he wants to marry you. You can’t force someone to get married, but I’d make it really clear that this is a deal-breaker for you and give him some time to make a choice (given that your relationship is going well otherwise). Hope it all goes well.

Post # 6
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get married after 4 years together. You shouldn’t have to not speak about something you want.

I would sit your boyfriend down and have a serious talk about timelines. When does he expect you to be engaged? “Soon” is not an answer – get a firm timeline.

Post # 7
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee

Get a timeline going. Sit him down and tell him that you have thought about it alot, that you two agreed to get back together with the intention of gettng married. You would like to be engaged by X month. Then see how he reacts to that timeline. If he doesnt like your timeline ask him what his timeline is. He can’t just say, a year from now. he needs to give you a specific timeline. THen you look at the two timelines and compromise to meet in the middle. Walk away from that conversation with an agreed upon timeline. 

If during the conversation he refuses to discuss it, gets angry, does not want to come up with a firm timeline? You can end the conversation by saying, ” I am not going to devote an unlimited amount of time to a relationship that isn’t moving forward. Getting engaged and married is something two people need to be involved in. Your anger or refusal to discuss timelines is inappropriate and controlling. We agreed on getting married and I need to see follow through.  You gave me your word that would happen. If we get to X month and there has been no proposal I am going to have to decide if this relationship is working for me or not.”

Then you walk away from the conversation and let him figure it out. If you get to that month and he hasn’t proposed you need to be ready to end the relationship. But please do not let him get away with avoiding talking about a timeline, and do not let him get away with being angry at you for talking about it or bringing it up. You have every right to talk about this topic, and you do get a say in what happens and when. He is not the only person in your relationship, he doesn’t get to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. 

Post # 8
Member
1820 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You don’t need to ban anything from your head or refrain from talking about marriage because it “starts trouble.” As these ladies have said, you take control of your life and calmly tell him your expectations and timeline and give him a chance to respond. Then you mutually agree on something that works for both of you. This should be something you can freely talk about. And if he’s reluctant or acts like you are pressuring him, think about whether you want to be with someone who you have to convince to marry you, who isn’t enthusiastically a partner with you in your future.

Post # 9
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

forlorn :  I know how you feel. I’ve known my boyfriend for 6 years and am going through something very similar. My boyfriend and I broke up three years ago and got back together after a year and half. When we got back together I told him that he needed to be fairly certain this relationship would put a ring on my finger. Well, still no ring. Evertime I bring it up he panics and says he can’t promise me forever right now but that he loves me and that I’m his best friend. 

I love him so much and can picture a future together, however, I keep thinking that he should be excited to picture a future with me, not panicked. 

We both deserve men who are excited to be with us for the long haul. I guess the tricky part is figuring out if these guys are panicked at the prospect of spending the rest of their lives with us or are just afraid of marriage in general. 

I know I’m not helping much but I also know there’s some comfort in not being alone. I can relate to what you’re feeling. 

 

Post # 10
Member
2612 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

forlorn :  Based on the information you provided in your OP, it sounds to me like the only time the topic of marriage comes up is when you’ve let your resentment build up too much and it blows up into an emotional fight.

Have you had any calm, rational conversations about the topic? Or do you tend to keep your desires to yourself, hoping he will come to the same conclusion as you on his own, and then get upset and feel hurt then he doesn’t? 

“Last year around our 4th anniversary we went on a city trip and I was convinced he’d do it then. But nothing happened what led to a big argument.”

You were convinced he’d do it then. Did you express anything to him in the weeks or months leading up to that trip about wanting to get engaged? Did he do or say anything to you that could be taken as a logical indication that he was planning to propose on that trip?

OR, did you decide on your own, in your own head, without discussing it with him at all, that he would probably propose on that trip and then, when he didn’t deliver on the plans that he had no idea you had made, you found yourself hurt and angry? 

I’m not saying you’re wrong for being hurt that he hasn’t proposed yet, but I am saying that you can’t just expect a person to be on the same page as you about something if you never actually discuss it. If the only time you guy “talk” about marriage is when you end up fighting about it, you’ll never get on the same page and you’ll only ensure that the topic remains one of contention that causes discomfort. 

Post # 11
Member
2012 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

forlorn :  Everything you wrote was either hearsay or very vague discussions. This is your future you’re talking about. You have the right to sit down and say something like “Hey remember when you said that one day we’d get married? I know that was a while ago so I wanted to circle back. Usually people are engaged around 12 months before getting married. With that being said, do you see us getting married in X amount of year(s)? So an engagement in X amount of month(s)/year(s)? Does that timeline work for you? Marriage is important to me and I would like to be married by X year.”

Post # 12
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

forlorn :  Don’t misunderstand me, I really love him and he’s the one I want to be with my entire life. But knowing that and having to wait is hurting me a lot.  

Is he even aware of how much you’re hurting?  I agree with the other pp’s that you need to have an adult conversation about your future. This should be when you’re not emotional so you can clearly state what you want.  More importantly you need to describe to him exactly how it makes you feel when people ask and you have to tell them a wedding isn’t happening anytime soon or when an anniversary passes with no proposal or when a family member jokes about him getting a ring when you already know he hasn’t given it a thought.  You need to describe in detail what that does to you in the least emotional way possible.

You need to be honest with him and you need him to be completely honest with you bee.  “Some day” shouldn’t cut it any more.  You want something more concrete or nothing at all.  Be prepared to hear things you might not want to hear and be prepared to walk away from this relationship if he can’t give you what you need.

I really hope this ends well for you bee.

Post # 13
Member
5534 posts
Bee Keeper

Agree with all the other wise bees. You need to have a timeline talk. Not “someday” and not exploding your anger on him. Calm, rational. He said he wanted to be married at 5 years, does he still think that? If not, when does he see himself getting married? If there’s a stall, what does he want to accomplish before then? If he just flat out “isnt ready”, are you ok with waiting indefinitely? What if he is never ready?

Post # 15
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

Hm, this is tough, bee. I agree with pps that you absolutely do not have to force yourself to stop thinking about this because your partner is throwing a hissy fit. Has he explained why he, “Doesn’t believe in marriage”? I’ve never been able to undestand that saying, but to each their own. I think you sound like you’re willing to move on if you can’t come to a decision that makes you both mutually happy, so that is great. Stay strong. Think about what you really want in life and let him know that. He has to be honest with you about what he wants as well, even if that means the end of your relationship. You’re in a really hard spot and I hate that for you. Will be thinking of you!

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