Post # 16
YOu can do something about this actively. You are choosing to accept it when he tells you to, relax and let him take the lead. You do realize how condecending and rude that is right? This isn’t 1810. He doesnt’ just get to tell you to, relax and let him take care of it when clearly he hasn’t taken care of shit so far.
This is how it should have gone.
Him: Relax and let me take the lead
You: Absolutely not. I have just as much right to know where this is going as you do. You telling me to relax is you telling me to shut up. That is not acceptable in an equal relationship. You do not get to tell me to shut up. You have had 4 and a half years to do this on your terms at your own pace. I am no longer willing to let this drag on for an indefinite amount of time. So now we are going to make this decision together.
It sounds like your conversations are staying vague with him. The one you had last week sounds super vague if it ended with you telling him that you both should go away and think about your timelines and how they could meet. What?!! I get these conversations are super awkward but you aren’t helping your case here by bringing it up and then ending it without making any progress. Think calm but firm.
You: My timeline for getting engaged is by X month. What is your timeline?
Him: not sure, you should relax.
You: It has been 4 and a half years, id appreicate you giving me a specific timeline by tomorrow.
Stop letting him off the hook. You can do this. We have your back bee.
Post # 17
Well … It’s still hard for me but I think I can give him the time he needs. Although I will only wait until June then, because if he hadn’t figured out after 5 years and living together for 4 years I don’t think it would change even after I wait some more. He had changed jobs a little over year ago so I think he might hesitate because of that but this year in fall he will be 2 years into that job so I think that also will be enough time for him.
Thank you all for being so respectful, I keep you updated. I was hoping for a valentine’s surprise but since I don’t know what to think now I can’t say I still hope for that.
Any thoughts on how to distract myself?
Post # 18
I’m sorry to say if he still hasn’t figured it out by now, you should already assume he never will. Any time you spend with him going forward you should assume is not going to lead to a proposal. You can either accept that and be happy not getting married, or you need to take some time apart and really think about what you want out of life. Don’t try to think of ways to distract yourself from this…the problem will still be there when you get back to reality.
It’s very common for men who have no intention of getting married to try and blame the woman for it not happening, it’s the woman’s fault for “bringing it up too much” “causing arguments over it” and then you stop talking about it hoping he’ll propose but he never does, he already got what he wanted: for you to act like his wife without having to commit.
Post # 19
labelleabeille : I agree with this, OP. You may be resolved on waiting until June, but what do you realistically think will have changed?
The only way I can see you waiting until June is in the off-chance that it does happen. Trust me, I hope you get your dream proposal. I don’t wish unhappiness on anyone. But, during the next few months, you need to be making your plans to leave. If June is the end date, then your move out is officially scheduled for June 30th unless anything changes. If you don’t stay firm on that, you’ll continue thinking, “Maybe one more month”, and you’ll be stuck in this relationship with nothing to show for your commitment to a man who won’t commit to you. Plan as if it’s likely not going to happen. You have to, or you’ll just waste more time.
Post # 20
labelleabeille : maybe you’re right, maybe mine is different. I will see what happens in June.
bouviebee : thanks. I already marked the date in my calendar and will prepare myself for this day. I also wrote two letters to myself. One for if he proposes and one for if he doesn’t. I’m someone that chases their dreams. Being married to the man who clearly wants to tell the whole world I’m his wife is also one of my dreams. And if i don’t see this happen in June then I’m going to leave. He had enough time by then to think about if he wanted to marry me or not. If not I don’t blame him he doesn’t have to .but he shall not be blaming me then for leaving .
Post # 21
Hey ladies I’ve got an update for you. Since I don’t feel well in my job right now (because of a major of my workmates) I told him so. I don’t want to look for another job because the advantages that come with my current job are pretty good
So he told me he’s not happy in his job either. I didn’t want to bring up the other thing so I jumped to conclusions myself .he said he is happy with me and he loves me like he never loved anyone before, so maybe he just wants to set things straight at his job before proposing. Being unhappy in a job as a man is not like being unhappy in a job as a woman as far as I can tell. As a woman you could always gamble that things changed after coming back to the workplace after a pregnancy.
What do you think about my thoughts?
Sorry for bothering you so much on this topic
Post # 22
You already know exactly what’s happened – “I didn’t want to mention the other thing so I jumped to conclusions myself”…
You’re making excuses for him in your own mind which aren’t based in any way on anything he’s said (i.e. reality) because that is a less painful train of thought than coming to terms with the fact that he hasn’t proposed within the period you’d like him to. I don’t think your update changes anything other than the fact that you’re overthinking/ torturing yourself unnecessarily.
I agree with PPs that waiting until June to bring it up again is prolonging your pain/ uncertainty more than necessary, but if you do prefer to wait until then I would strongly recommend using the next few months to start preparing emotionally and financially to leave – so that if it comes to that (which I hope it doesn’t!) you’re in the best place possible.
Good luck bee, I hope it works out well for you!
Post # 23
- Wedding: June 2020 - City, State
forlorn : Being unhappy in a job as a man is not like being unhappy in a job as a woman as far as I can tell.
Can I ask what makes you think that? Women also tend to care about their jobs you know..
Sounds to me like you’re just making excuses for him. I’m planning on changing jobs in a few months, which will inconveniently conincide with my wedding planning, and it’s not a great time for SO either as he is working full time at a new job as well as studying for his MBA entrance exam. But this isn’t going to stop us from getting engaged soon and married next year because we really want to be married and that’s a priority for us.
Stop making excuses for the fact that he’s not interested in getting engaged. Being unhappy at work has absolulely nothing to do with making a commitment to your partner. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but you have to be realistic here. Good luck.
Post # 24
He doesn’t even need to explain himself at this point because you’re already coming up with his next excuse. He’s got it made
If he is employed and has had this job for awhile, there is nothing to “straighten out.” This is laughable
Post # 25
yellowbell : mayne you’re right but maybe I haven’t made clear what I think on that topic:
As a woman you can gamble on coming back to work after pregnancy and the situation at work has changed a lot because some people left the office and others were hired.
As a man you can’t take that “pregnancy break”. Either you’re happy or you change jobs. He told me he was going to apply for another job at the company he’s working for. And well those things are actually related in my opinion. If a man is not financially stable because he changed jobs (or has to get a new one already) I guess chances are pretty small he will take a big step like getting engaged. I’m not making any excuses but I think I know him that well
Post # 26
- Wedding: June 2020 - City, State
forlorn : This makes absolutely zero sense. Not all women sit around waiting for maternity leave and have you heard of paternity?
Either way, sounds like you’ve made up your mind to defend him no matter how silly the excuse, so not sure why you’re asking for opinions. You do you bee.
Post # 27
yellowbell : oh yeah I’ve heard of that one but still I prefer to stay at home with my kids since he makes more money than me. No but I think he withhold that thought for a long time. He only opened up when I told him about my current situation so I’m willing to believe. Of course I don’t change my plans for June. If he still didn’t propose by then I’m going to leave .
Post # 28
forlorn : I don’t think most women think this way about their jobs.
Post # 29
forlorn : Wishing you all the best bee. Hope it works out by June. Just please remember to trust your gut, and to keep communication open and honest with him. If this guy is the one you are going to marry you really should be able to talk to him about anything including your feelings about getting engaged. Don’t assume you know his feelings and don’t assume he knows yours unless you expressly state them. If you don’t know where he is coming from ASK. Keep us updated.
Post # 30
As a woman you could always gamble that things changed after coming back to the workplace after a pregnancy.
As an infertile woman who takes her career hella seriously and spent over a decade training to be good at it, I find this comment really gross. Maybe this is how you approach your career. But that’s just you, not all women.