No proposal yet

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 16
1292 posts
Bumble bee

YOu can do something about this actively. You are choosing to accept it when he tells you to, relax and let him take the lead. You do realize how condecending and rude that is right? This isn’t 1810. He doesnt’ just get to tell you to, relax and let him take care of it when clearly he hasn’t taken care of shit so far. 

This is how it should have gone. 

Him: Relax and let me take the lead

You: Absolutely not. I have just as much right to know where this is going as you do. You telling me to relax is you telling me to shut up. That is not acceptable in an equal relationship. You do not get to tell me to shut up. You have had 4 and a half years to do this on your terms at your own pace. I am no longer willing to let this drag on for an indefinite amount of time. So now we are going to make this decision together. 

It sounds like your conversations are staying vague with him. The one you had last week sounds super vague if it ended with you telling him that you both should go away and think about your timelines and how they could meet. What?!! I get these conversations are super awkward but you aren’t helping your case here by bringing it up and then ending it without making any progress. Think calm but firm. 

You: My timeline for getting engaged is by X month. What is your timeline? 

Him: not sure, you should relax. 

You: It has been 4 and a half years, id appreicate you giving me a specific timeline by tomorrow. 

Stop letting him off the hook. You can do this. We have your back bee. 

Post # 18
19 posts

forlorn :  

I’m sorry to say if he still hasn’t figured it out by now, you should already assume he never will. Any time you spend with him going forward you should assume is not going to lead to a proposal. You can either accept that and be happy not getting married, or you need to take some time apart and really think about what you want out of life. Don’t try to think of ways to distract yourself from this…the problem will still be there when you get back to reality.

It’s very common for men who have no intention of getting married to try and blame the woman for it not happening, it’s the woman’s fault for “bringing it up too much” “causing arguments over it” and then you stop talking about it hoping he’ll propose but he never does, he already got what he wanted: for you to act like his wife without having to commit.

Post # 19
403 posts
Helper bee

labelleabeille :  I agree with this, OP. You may be resolved on waiting until June, but what do you realistically think will have changed? 

The only way I can see you waiting until June is in the off-chance that it does happen. Trust me, I hope you get your dream proposal. I don’t wish unhappiness on anyone. But, during the next few months, you need to be making your plans to leave. If June is the end date, then your move out is officially scheduled for June 30th unless anything changes. If you don’t stay firm on that, you’ll continue thinking, “Maybe one more month”, and you’ll be stuck in this relationship with nothing to show for your commitment to a man who won’t commit to you. Plan as if it’s likely not going to happen. You have to, or you’ll just waste more time. 

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