Post # 16
YOu can do something about this actively. You are choosing to accept it when he tells you to, relax and let him take the lead. You do realize how condecending and rude that is right? This isn’t 1810. He doesnt’ just get to tell you to, relax and let him take care of it when clearly he hasn’t taken care of shit so far.
This is how it should have gone.
Him: Relax and let me take the lead
You: Absolutely not. I have just as much right to know where this is going as you do. You telling me to relax is you telling me to shut up. That is not acceptable in an equal relationship. You do not get to tell me to shut up. You have had 4 and a half years to do this on your terms at your own pace. I am no longer willing to let this drag on for an indefinite amount of time. So now we are going to make this decision together.
It sounds like your conversations are staying vague with him. The one you had last week sounds super vague if it ended with you telling him that you both should go away and think about your timelines and how they could meet. What?!! I get these conversations are super awkward but you aren’t helping your case here by bringing it up and then ending it without making any progress. Think calm but firm.
You: My timeline for getting engaged is by X month. What is your timeline?
Him: not sure, you should relax.
You: It has been 4 and a half years, id appreicate you giving me a specific timeline by tomorrow.
Stop letting him off the hook. You can do this. We have your back bee.
Post # 17
Well … It’s still hard for me but I think I can give him the time he needs. Although I will only wait until June then, because if he hadn’t figured out after 5 years and living together for 4 years I don’t think it would change even after I wait some more. He had changed jobs a little over year ago so I think he might hesitate because of that but this year in fall he will be 2 years into that job so I think that also will be enough time for him.
Thank you all for being so respectful, I keep you updated. I was hoping for a valentine’s surprise but since I don’t know what to think now I can’t say I still hope for that.
Any thoughts on how to distract myself?
Post # 18
I’m sorry to say if he still hasn’t figured it out by now, you should already assume he never will. Any time you spend with him going forward you should assume is not going to lead to a proposal. You can either accept that and be happy not getting married, or you need to take some time apart and really think about what you want out of life. Don’t try to think of ways to distract yourself from this…the problem will still be there when you get back to reality.
It’s very common for men who have no intention of getting married to try and blame the woman for it not happening, it’s the woman’s fault for “bringing it up too much” “causing arguments over it” and then you stop talking about it hoping he’ll propose but he never does, he already got what he wanted: for you to act like his wife without having to commit.
Post # 19
labelleabeille : I agree with this, OP. You may be resolved on waiting until June, but what do you realistically think will have changed?
The only way I can see you waiting until June is in the off-chance that it does happen. Trust me, I hope you get your dream proposal. I don’t wish unhappiness on anyone. But, during the next few months, you need to be making your plans to leave. If June is the end date, then your move out is officially scheduled for June 30th unless anything changes. If you don’t stay firm on that, you’ll continue thinking, “Maybe one more month”, and you’ll be stuck in this relationship with nothing to show for your commitment to a man who won’t commit to you. Plan as if it’s likely not going to happen. You have to, or you’ll just waste more time.
Post # 20
labelleabeille : maybe you’re right, maybe mine is different. I will see what happens in June.
bouviebee : thanks. I already marked the date in my calendar and will prepare myself for this day. I also wrote two letters to myself. One for if he proposes and one for if he doesn’t. I’m someone that chases their dreams. Being married to the man who clearly wants to tell the whole world I’m his wife is also one of my dreams. And if i don’t see this happen in June then I’m going to leave. He had enough time by then to think about if he wanted to marry me or not. If not I don’t blame him he doesn’t have to .but he shall not be blaming me then for leaving .