(Closed) No registry, want cash only

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
Member
4858 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Depends how close you are. Generally $100 pp minimum. 

Post # 32
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

A registry is simply a set of suggestions. Because many people have difficulty knowing what a couple may need/want. But they’re not demands, just suggestions. You can take those suggestions or not. If you prefer to give physical gifts and know of something the couple needs or would like, then go for it! And that’s coming from someone who had a honeymoon registy – I wasn’t upset by the people who gave physical gifts!

Post # 33
Member
13 posts
Newbee

nightborn:  I am the same exact way. For my first wedding, we went to the trouble of setting up a registry. My fiance had lived on his own and already had his own place so there were only specific things that we needed. Tons of people didn’t buy off the registry and we ended up with sheets that were the wrong size, towels in the wrong colors, and 5 toasters!!! Seriously, if there’s a registry and you don’t check it, then just give cash/check/gift card, etc.<br /><br />I’m getting married again in April of next year, and we have set up a honeymoon registry. Everyone I have told that to has thought it was a great idea. Maybe it has to do with the area of the country you live in? I got the idea from a friend of my mother’s who had a friend just enter her 2nd marriage. She and her husband had both been married before and 2x the house “stuff” so they registered for a honeymoon trip to Ireland, and all the friends and family contributed toward that and it was covered 100% by the gifts that were given.<br /><br />Whether people like it or not, traditions are changing and honeymoon registries or wishing well registries are becoming more and more common.

Post # 34
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It’s 2014 and people most often live together before marriage. And they most likely won’t buy a house until after they’re married. So why on earth would guests be judgey when a couple wants to take a wonderful vacation instead of guessing at what their future home MAY need in a couple years and then have to store it. I find it rude that any guest would judge a couple and even allow themselves time to stress over the amount or the etiquette. Pay whatever you want because they are asking for what they really want too. Simple. 

Post # 35
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Everybody knows that a good gift is cash which is why there is no need to include a poem or register for it. If you do not register then it is a pretty good indication that you want cash without straight out asking for it.

A gift registry is to provide guests with a guide for the couples tastes and decor. The guest is not obligated to buy the exact item or to buy from that specific store. They are free to find something that fits the couples needs and their budget.

Someone who is going to give a physical gift regardless is not going to be more inclinded to give cash just because you put a poem or note asking for it.

Honeymoon registries sell a fake product. The couple thinks they are buying the couple a $100 private dinner but what they are really doing is giving the couple $100 cash minus the fees and charges they have to pay to the site (between 10 & 15%). Or worse they charge the guests the fees and charges on top of the “gift”

The thing I can never understand is why, if you are so hungry for money, would you want a third party to take some of it when a guest could just as easily slip the $100 into an envelope with their card? Especially if the guest was going to give you cash anyway. 

 

Post # 36
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

abm0611:  ” I find it rude that any guest would judge a couple and even allow themselves time to stress over the amount or the etiquette.”

Your (again, general you) guests take on the duty of being good guests–of getting you gifts, of paying for their travel, etc., and they have every right to feel slighted if you show that you do not feel the need to be a good host in return.  I have little sympathy for the notion that a wedding is just such an awful thing for the poor couple to have to suffer through (all those warm wishes and gifts and people looking to cater to you in ways that they never would if this weren’t a wedding) that guests are unreasonable meanies if they expect to receive the basic respect of being hosted well.  Any couple that finds the trappings of a wedding to be overwhelming or that does not want to be troubled by the “stress” of being good hosts is free to seek relief by having a private ceremony. 

Post # 37
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

j_jaye:  I absolutely agree with you. Why do a honeymoon fund through a website that is getting a cut of it when you can just not say a word about gifts? If you invitation doesn’t have a registry or anything present related, then it is automatically assumed you want money. 100 bucks in an envelope per couple and tadaaaaaa!!!!!

 

Post # 38
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

Linda2014M:  Give whatever you are comfortable giving. I am totally with you on the not being comfortable giving a monetary gift – I always feel like I have to give more than I can afford. Especially when I was still working part time – I was so embarassed to give money because it is more obvious. Does the couple enjoy certain things? There was one couple that I was in a wedding party for that didn’t want any gifts. Well, this couple has a love for wine so I went and bought a really nice wine that can age and they can open for their fifth wedding anniversary. Do they have a child? You could offer a dinner somewhere and babysit their child. I am sure you could find something for them instead of a monetary gift that they would love.

Post # 39
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Linda2014M:  I’m definitely of the opinion you give what you can afford. I tend to either go by roughly what I think they would have spent per head or by my relationship to the couple (these are just my rules for me though, just spend what you feel comfortable with 🙂 )

Speaking as a bride to be who is having a honeymoon registry, I would have absolutely no issues whatsover with what or how people choose to give us a gift, if it all. We aren’t doing a ‘gift registry’ simply because we’ve lived together so long and have accumulated everything we need/want and when it came time to decide what we would register for, we couldn’t think of anything! (well a few things, but not enough to make up a register and we also wouldn’t be able to store much else in our house!).

The honeymoon fund is just an option if people want it, it isn’t because we specifically want cash. I have contributed to lots of honeymoon funds as opposed to gifts and I liked the idea of my contribution helping the couple enjoy possibly the most memorable holiday they will ever share!

If people choose to select something to gift us that they deem more suitable/personal than a contribution to our honeymoon fund, it will be greatly appreciated, no less than those who decide to give money!

Some people have very strong opinions on honeymoon funds and see it as a cash grab. I don’t, but maybe that’s because my friends who have had them aren’t the kind of people to have a registry for that reason!

So long story short lol what I was getting at is that in my opinion, you can give a gift any way you like, and spend whatever is suitable for you 🙂

Post # 40
Member
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

MarriedToMyWork:  That’s fair enough, buf if the couple is going on the type of honeymoon you do not object to, or if they state that they will put cash gifts towards a down payment for a house, then you’d have no reason not to give them the gift they want.

Post # 41
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

CorvusCorax:  Please do not engage in the presumption of informing me that I would or would not have reasons for taking particular actions.  I would always have what I would term minor reasons for preferring not to give a cash gift to someone who wasn’t a much younger relative or a child of a friend.  I am inherently uncomfortable with gifts of cash to people I consider peers because I believe that cash gifts carry historical, social, and cultural baggage that means that they function as either an expression of power (‘you cannot afford this thing and so I will finance it for you, thus putting you in a situation where you are obliged to me in society’s eyes, even if I personally consider it a true gift with no strings attached”) or an expression of showmanship on the giver’s part (“I am so wealthy that I can just give money without thinking about it”) that turns the gift into a spotlight for the giver. 

However, if there is a preference for cash that isn’t expressed via one of those poems, which are 100% unacceptable in my area, and it’s not going to be used directly or indirectly for express actions that I object to, I will usually accede to the preference, despite the general unease it creates for me, unless I find something truly exceptional for the couple. 

Post # 42
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

We are expressing an interest for cash rather than gifts, as for me there would be nothing worse than asking people to spend money on good we don’t need/will just return! We’re asking for contributions to our mortgage fund.

We are having anonymous donations – we’ve got a bank account set up with my mum who will collect messages from those who have donated, but we won’t see a statement for the account, or know who has given how much, so no need for awkwardness. This was one of my big prerequistites for asking for money rather than gifts, as we didn’t want anyone to feel awkward.

If you don’t feel comfortable, get the couple something that is chosen for them by you – it’ll be more meaningful, and you won’t feel bad about it. But any gift is generous – we’re genuinely not expecting/won’t care if we don’t get any gifts, so long as everyone is there to celebrate with us!

Post # 43
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

For weddings I usually give a check (usually $100-150/pp depending on how close I am with the person, although I gave $75pp when my finances were not so hot).  But you could always do the honeymoon fund as a symbolic present.

For showers I love to give gifts; that is the point after all (opening gifts showered on the bride). But I got my first “we’d prefer money” shower coming up and I’m still debating what to do. Giving a gift seems like it will be looked down on as they said they’d prefer not to have any. But there’s also a wedding I’m going to give money for (so it’s like demanding money 2x). I can’t say no, but I feel very uncomfortable.  So I’m in your situation there. 

Best of luck.  Any decent couple will be happy with whatever you give them money or gift.

Post # 44
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

Eliza_Bee:  Is there no way to decline the shower invite?  You are justified in feeling uncomfortable about the nature of the event.

Post # 45
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Linda2014M:  Me & my fiance went to a wedding like this recently. We gave $60. My mother in law also attended & she gave the amount that she would have given if she would have got them a gift. I don’t know if that sounds confusing she was basically like okay I would have gotten them a blender for $35 so I’ll give them that much in cash.

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