(Closed) No ring before our agreed on engagement announcement – should I be upset?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: No ring before the engagement announcement - what do you think?
    I would take a serious look at the relationship and how you guys are communicating with each other. : (8 votes)
    18 %
    I would be pretty angry. : (5 votes)
    11 %
    I would be miffed but chalk it up to guys being clueless about that stuff. : (4 votes)
    9 %
    I'd be neither here nor there as long as he promised to get one eventually. : (4 votes)
    9 %
    I'd give him some space - he may have a great surprise planned! : (14 votes)
    32 %
    I think you're over-reacting here... you're probably just having anxiety over such a big step! : (8 votes)
    18 %
    Other : (1 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    10218 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    It definitely sounds like he is getting you something awesome for Valentine’s day or before.. I’d definitely just relax and let it happenm you know? So I’d give him some space and let him surprise you…

    Post # 4
    Member
    2196 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    i ditto what crebre said!

    Post # 5
    Member
    7975 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Yep, I’d ease off him with the pressure about the ring.

    Talking about your communication, on the other hand, is always a good thing. πŸ™‚ Look at your relationship and see if you can find other examples of miscommunication between the two of you, and talk together about why those things have been miscommunicated, etc and how you can work to communicate better in the future. I don’t think it sounds like you guys have a HUGE problem communicating, but that’s one area where I feel like all couples have room to grow πŸ™‚

    Post # 6
    Member
    8353 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I agree with the above posters. He is probably feeling pressured by you now and will continue to get snippy with you, if you don’t give him some room.

    Post # 7
    Member
    210 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I can totally understand how you’d be upset.  I’m hoping he has a big surprise up his sleeve.  i agree with noritake22, he could feel pressured now. 

    as far as communication goes….once you do get the ring, if the delay wasn’t because of some super cool surprise, then maybe have a chat about the communication issue.  because you did give him the option of no ring/a silvery band.  he chose the ring option.  and if you’re getting a ring, it makes total sense to want to wait until you have it to announce it. 

    you could go out and get one of those giant fake diamond cocktail rings and have it to wear when he makes the announcements.  not in a passive-aggressive or mean/snarky way.  but just in a silly way.  or better yet, get one of those ring pops.  you can tell folks he got you a giant case of them and said you couldn’t have the real ring until you finished every last one of the ring pops.  Wink  

    of course these are just silly suggestions.  probably not something to try in real life, unless you’re dating a comedian. 

    but, now that i think about it…no christmas present at all?  not even a candy cane?  did he at least give you a christmas card? 

    Post # 8
    Member
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    While I’m siding a bit with crebre–that he does probably feel pressured–no way would not recognizing christmas at all be ok with me. I mean, a small box of candy is $3, go get that, right? I think you have the right to be a little miffed. He didn’t handle the situation with much grace or communication at all, and you were both trying to be open about it. I think that maybe he needed to be more honest with you and while I really, really hope he has a good surprise for you, if he doesn’t it’s going to make this a lot harder to take, right?

    So maybe talk to him NOW about how you feel a little bit hurt, tell him that you understand he doesn’t want to be pressured but that it would have been nice had you gotten a little bit of reassurance at the time… and a little bit of chocolate to make it better.

    PS-and if a ring “counted” for my present, this is just my opinion and a little bit b*tchy, but I’d better damn well have it during the holidays. Really, just my two cents, but I’m a little feisty like that. πŸ™‚

    Good luck and best wishes to you!

    Post # 9
    Member
    494 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    hmmm…so first, it sounds to me like you guys are pretty much fully engaged.  If you already have the venue and put down deposits (I’m guessing you already have a date), that’s like the first major steps of an engagement! So really you’re engaged and you just haven’t announced it yet, right?

    This is so a communication thing (my opinion). You gave him the options of ring or no ring and it seems like he’s going to get you the ring…but does he realize that it’s agonizing not to be able to announce it to your friends and family because you don’t have the ring yet??  If not, he should know that because that would personally drive me up the wall! So no, I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I think unless he’s planning something amazing (or some other awesome reason), he’s putting off a totally exciting part of being engaged, which is the announcement!!  If for some reason there won’t be a ring, he needs to know that you should just annouce it now and since you’re totally okay with that, there should be no worries πŸ™‚

    I think the no Christmas present thing is kinda lame…he could of at least made you something πŸ™

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    542 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I think you should have gotten something for Christmas!  Honestly, I don’t think a lot of men realize how big of a deal getting an engagement ring can be.  You have obviously made plans for a wedding, and it sounds like it was together, which would make me feel better about things (I got a ring a month after being engaged, so I kind of know how you feel).  From there it sounds like you’ve communicated to each other but maybe not necessarily listened to one another.  If he told you there would be a ring by Valentine’s Day, the time does overlap with Christmas, but it also leaves a lot afterward.  While you were talking about making an announcement over the holidays, perhaps he wasn’t listening to how important making that announcement was t you.  I know it can feel weird when people know and you don’t have a ring on your finger, but you have the commitment from him, which IMO is way more important than the ring.

    Post # 11
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I agree with the above posters. You need to chill, girl, and let the man do his thing! He’s getting snippy b/c he’s probably tryinmg to go above and beyond your expectations and he doesn’t want you catching on. You still got 2 months, don’t worry about it yet. You kjnow it’s coming, so just let it come

    Post # 12
    Member
    573 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I would stop pressuring him.  I think he is probably feeling pressured and that is not going to help you get a ring anymore quickly.

    I do not think; however, that you are going to get some grand surprise in February (unless you count actually getting a ring as a grand surprise).  I say this because I was a constant nagger of my now Fiance, and on a few occassions he made promises he didn’t keep.  When it came down to it, he was TERRIBLE at saving money and was afraid to tell me that. 

    Your situation is a little different, because you’ve already put down money on a lot of wedding things, so I’m assuming there was money to put down.  It is also different because you said you could do without a ring, which makes me wonder why valentine’s day is any better/different than christmas.  I feel you have the right to know why christmas wasn’t the right time (money, he has better idea of when/how he’d like to propose, etc.) and I would sit him down (for the last time!!) to get a reason from him.  It isn’t fair that he feels he can just shrug it off and move on.  Explain to him that this is something that occupies your mind ALL the time, and you’d be put at ease if you atleast had a reason for the extended timeline.  AS soon as you get a reason and feel he’s finally being open with you stop pressuring him.

    That’s what I think πŸ™‚

    Post # 13
    Member
    272 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2010

    I’m surprised at everyone telling you to calm down and wait longer.  You’ve been “engaged” since the 4th of July!  And he didn’t get you a Christmas present?  Enough is enough.  I’d give him until Valentine’s Day, but if it doesn’t come by then, I’d break the engagement.  For real.  I wouldn’t want to be with someone who treats me the way he’s treating you.

    Post # 14
    Member
    4 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Yes. You should be upset. Sounds like he is not ready to commit. If the engagement were important to him, he’d have acted already.

    Post # 15
    Member
    3709 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I guess I am failing to see the issue here. You guys are engaged and obviously on the same page about that. You have picked venues, paid deposits etc.

    Even though you both agreed to make an announcement during the holidays….you seem like you knew your Fiance was getting you a ring…but didn’t commit to giving it to you at Christmastime. It was your stipulation that until you decided on whether to ring or not to ring, you didn’t want an announcement b/c you wanted to be able to show/tell everything at once (if there was going to be a ring to show).

    So…based on that…my understanding would be that the announcement WOULDN’T take place during the holidays b/c you guys hadn’t decided about the ring. Unless you changed your mind about wanting to do engagement announcement and ring separately that is.

    While I understand that you want to be able to announce your engagement to everyone, you added having the ring situation resolved as a stipulation so unless you plan on removing that stipulation, you are kind of stuck.

    As for not getting a Christmas gift…my Fiance and I have never exchanged Christmas gifts so that in and of itself I don’t see as an issue. His b-day is on Christmas Eve and so I usually get him a b-day gift and that’s it. But of course…we spoil each other all year long so we don’t have a problem with not exchanging gifts at Christmas.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1022 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I would cool my heels and chill!  Like Jamaicabride said, it sounds to me like you added your own Christmas ring/no ring stipulation.  Maybe he didn’t know that announcing the engagement at Christmastime was so important to you.  I’d just give him some time and space.  If you keep bugging him about it, it will probably just cause him to get more snippy and frustrated because he is trying to plan the perfect moment!

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