- 4 years ago
My SO – let’s call him Dave – and I are in our late 20s and have been together for almost 4 years. We’ve discussed getting married, 100% know it’s in the cards for us, but aren’t “officially” engaged (ring, planning, all that jazz) because our work and financial situations don’t align with making that happen yet. That said, we live together when he’s not traveling for work (he’s gone 5 months of the year for business) and are very much planning on being together forever.
A “friend” – we can call her Jane – got engaged about a year ago. I was happy for her; we used to work together about 5 years ago and were once incredibly close. She moved away about the time I started seeing my now-SO and has therefore only met him once. Since she moved, we’ved drifted apart, although we still get dinner a couple of times a year when she visits family in town. The last time we met (last summer ish?) she asked how things were going with Dave. I told her how great things were, how much it sucked being apart, and how much I looked forward to spending the rest of my life with him. She asked if I’d be getting engaged soon and I told her I didn’t know if the time was right for that because of logistical stuff, but he was the love of my life, my forever-person. (Don’t hate on my sappiness, there was wine involved, haha.) She asked if I wanted a +1 when she got married (she had not yet set the date) and I told her that Dave and I would love that. She said she couldn’t wait to talk to him more and already knew what table she’d love to put us at.
Since that evening, I haven’t interacted with her much outside of Facebook likes and Twitter retweets. We aren’t nearly as close as we once were. Still, I was delighted to receive a Save The Date for her New Orleans several months ago. It was addressed to “The MyLastName-DavesLastName Family,” which I thought was cute. However, when I got the invitation recently, it was addressed to me only. I went to the online RSVP and could only select 1 guest attending from the drop-down menu. I thought: maybe she thinks he has to travel for work? But he doesn’t, not that month. Another mutual friend, who has more recently started dating his SO but has also moved in with her, had the same thing happen. I sent Jane an email asking to clarify if Dave was supposed to be invited, trying to keep it light and playful (“He’s never been to New Orleans, we can’t wait to try the beignets!” that kind of thing.)
She responded in a way I thought was honestly pretty rude: she would LOVE to have him there, but weddings are really expensive and she had to draw the line somewhere. Specifically, she said “You know the old saying – no ringy no bringy! XD 😛 ” and “If he wants to come to New Orleans so bad, make him fly YOU there using his travel points from work (that jobs gotta be worth it somehow rite???) coming for a wedding doesn’t even count LOL” Seriously?
Dave is mad, my other friend and his SO are mad, I am mad. Dave and I can spend time apart, but I’d feel really unhappy taking 1.5 days off work to attend an out-of-state wedding (so flight, hotel, car rental, the works) alone with someone who specifically asked if I wanted a +1 months ago. It’s a Friday wedding; if I’m going to have a three-day weekend in a cool city, why wouldn’t I want to bring my partner? She and I haven’t been close in a long time – if she wants a super-intimate party, why invite me at all?
I’m not going. The expense is not worth it to me. But I’m kind of torn about what else to do. Other friend + his SO want to email her and tell her they think she’s being rude. Dave thinks we should send a card but both sign it. I want to throw the whole thing down the memory hole and just kind of finish ghosting on a friendship that was on the way out anyway. Who’s right and who is wrong?