Post # 31
SHE IS WRONG AND RUDE. I would also not go if my Fiance was not invited. We were together 3 years before we got engaged and were living together and he was my lifepartner already. So if he is not invited I am not going.
I would send her a car, signed from both. No gift.
As for your other friend and his SO.. I would rsvp no.
The whole notion of no ring no bring is absurd. I know people who have been together many years and arent married or engaged. They live together, have a life together, have common pets, some have kids, the works..They are a social unit even if it’s not formaly defined
People who dont invite SO’s are rude AF. I wouod understand if she didnt want to give a +1 to some 18 y.o. 2nd cousin who is dating but not excessively.. but this… nope. I would just send a card and that would be the end of it with her.
Post # 32
She was incredibly rude by including him on the save the date but not the invite? She asked you if you wanted a plus one! Rude, I would decline. No gift but if your Fiance wants to send a card go for it.
Post # 33
I would also drop it and not do the email I have a feeling it will make you feel worse for stooping to that level.
Post # 34
jannigirl : but it isn’t YOUR right to determine what is significant. YOU don’t get to decide what is significant for other people. If they deem it significant, it is significant. Lots of people choose never to marry for a variety of perfectly valid reasons that aren’t any of your business, and does not make them any less committed than anyone else. Heck, many of the women I also see posting on forums seem to care more about a ring and a wedding than the person they are actually marrying and the marriage itself and can arguably be considered far less committed to the actual relationship, yet get special status because someone shelled out for some jewelry? I just saw an interview with Kurt Russell explaining for what is probably the nth hundred time that he and Goldie Hawn are perfectly content as is with no marriage plans – are you really going to tell them their relationship isn’t significant? There is a time to keep your nose on your face and mind your own d*mn business and that time is when it comes to any relationship that isn’t your own. Throwing a wedding doesn’t suddenly make judging other people’s relationships an okay thing to do.
OP – just decline, don’t give a reason, and let the friendship fade. If she asks a reason, then tell her, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to do it. Rude people generally aren’t going to change their behavior because someone pointed it out. If she was conscientious and cared, she would have inquired before coming up with this rule.
Post # 35
OMG Dramarama waaay to long of a story. Yeah, the bride sucks but she can invite/not invite whoever she wants. You take note, and do what you want. Probably decline is my guess bc I’d be pissed.
Post # 36
jannigirl : let’s say these friends of the bride that you’re describing actually are in relationships where the SO doesn’t want to propose and get married. Let’s also say these same exact friends are the bees posting here about their relationships. Do you think it’s going to make these friends feel wonderful not receiving a +1 for their SO? My guess is it’ll make them feel worse about their situation.
Post # 37
cherryberrypie : that’s a very balanced way of looking at this. 🙂
Post # 38
Yeaaaah. That’s pure shit. You love together. You’re in a long-term relationship. Is totally tacky to do that to people. Just don’t invite them if they can’t bring their partner. It’s not like this is a brand new relationship. I wouldn’t go either.
Post # 39
Omg she actually said “no ringy no bringy”!
Bad friend, it’s the end.
Post # 40
I would send my regrets and a card.
Post # 41
pancakes11 : She did, plus emojis. I think she was trying to be cutesy, but somehow that made it about 50 times worse to me.
Post # 42
I would absolutely tell her off. Honestly, she revoked his invitation. It’s super rude. But I have a hard time letting things go. It’s probably best to let it go, but I wouldn’t if I were in your shoes. So, take that for what it is. I’m appalled.
I have never heard “no ringy no bringy” but even if I had, I would have enough sense to know it’s not something you actually say to someone in a relationship. FH and I dated for 8 years before we got engaged, and I would never ever tolerate anyone speaking about our relationship that way before we were engaged. Moreover, she invited him and then revoked the invite. She obviously went over on invites and then pulled them back. What a mess. Do not send her a gift. This is literally a worse snub than just not inviting either of you at all. It’s so rude. I’m really unreasonably angry about this even though it has nothing to do with me. I would definitely send her an email pointing out the fact that she revoked his invite. I definitely, definitely would. But again, I don’t necessarily think it’s the right thing to do. I would just be acting out of blind rage.
Post # 43
ru4realgurl : Agree with PP. I’m a little spiteful but how about:
“Jane, thanks for clarifying. Unfortunately I must decline your invitation. After your save the date indicated Dave would be invited, we booked our trip to travel to New Orleans to celebrate with you. Since he is no longer welcome, we will be taking this unexpected opportunity to enjoy a vacation together. Maybe we’ll bump into you in the French Quarter! All the best.”
A little off color? Maybe. But what harm is a little white lie every now and then?? And if she (however unlikely) rescinds her rescinded invitation, stand your ground. “Thanks, but we’d rather spend the weekend enjoying time as a couple, and wouldn’t want to be a financial burden!”
ETA: Oh, and the reason the emojis and cheekiness made you feel 50x worse was because it in fact was 50x ruder. Her email was dripping with condescension and judgment
Post # 44
She doesn’t see your bf/gf relationship (maybe all such relationships) as that serious without a ring. That’s not uncommon. Couples move in together for a litany of reasons. Engagements/marriage do denote a permanent intent. (Even if the relationships sometimes fall apart down the line)
Should she have included your boyfriend? Yes because you live together. Etiquette wise, she is wrong. Be careful though, could part of your anger be the delay in your engagement? (I don’t know, just asking). I would go without him. Who knows maybe it will incentivise future plans.
Post # 45
mrstodd2bee : Yeeeah … that’s not how good relationships work, generally speaking? We’re not engaged yet because we (as a unit) are not ready; I’m not “waiting” and hoping he’s going to pop the question out of the blue. We can be together, in love, and deeply committed without the time and expense of jewelry/a party. (Those will come eventually, because we BOTH love hosting and it’ll be a great excuse to feed our families and get them drunk.) If I were ready and he were dragging his feet, we’d have a conversation together. Given that I’m not a middle schooler trying to guilt the cute boy from math class to take her to winter formal, I wouldn’t take a spite-vacation just to prove a point.