(Closed) No ring no bring?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Would you invite friends' boyfriends/girlfriends on a tight budget?

    Invite partners only if engaged or married

    Give everyone a +1

    Invite serious partners/living together

  • Post # 47
    Member
    692 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Legare Waring House

    I’m not sure how helpful this will specifically be in your case, but if I can’t put a name on the invitation when I send it out, for a “+1” then they won’t be getting one. That doesn’t mean that I have to know them, per se, but I have to be able to call and say “Hey, what is your wife/girlfriend/fiance/e/husband/boyfriend’s full name?”

    Lucky for us most of our friends are either married or very single, so it shouldn’t be an issue. But I guess we hear that all the time. *knocks on wood*

    Post # 48
    Member
    906 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    I would be FURIOUS had Fiance not been invited to weddings when he still held the title of “boyfriend.” We were together 6 years before we got engaged and, frankly, we went to several weddings during those years for couples who had been together for years less than we had. We chose to push our official engagement back for academic and economic reasons. Luckily, my friends are rational and recognized the seriousness of our relationship, so excluding him because we hadn’t yet purchased a ring was never dreamt up. You’ve got to approach this couple by couple.

    We’re extending +1s to every person we invite who is not currently part of a couple. Period.

    Post # 49
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Yeaaaaah I think no ring no bring is not really the best rule… my husband and I got engaged at six months of dating. Does that mean that my friends who have been dating for five years but don’t live together (in grad school in different states) would not be invited together but my husband and I would have been? idk, even though we were engaged, a five year relationship seems more serious. Plus I have same-sex friends and live in a state where same-sex marriage is not legal, so they really can’t go farther than living together in terms of seriousness. This is why I just invited everyone’s partner.

    Post # 50
    Member
    310 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    OP: invite whomever you want.  Or not.  It’s your wedding.  I’ve had my head bitten off here over a post on this same issue.  If you have a limited budget (or even if you don’t), you have the right to restrict the guest list in any way you deem fit.  Whoever doesn’t like it should feel free to contribute to the wedding fund.

    Post # 51
    Member
    3051 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    View original reply
    @KelannaDC  To me, you find places to cut. I’d rather have my entire family & friends & their partners and be married in a barn doing the whole rustic thing than have it at a Ritz Carlton & not be able to invite as many people. We’re doing a Destination Wedding which will automatically cut our guest list significantly but if every single person decided they wanted to come even though it’s a Destination Wedding, I’d figure something out to make it possible *shrugs* I just think you risk ruining a lot of relationships/friendships when you decide their relationship isn’t worthy of an invite.

    ETA: And I think I actually mentioned in one of my PP that I WOULD offer to pay for my SO’s plate if it were one of my best friends or family members if it really came down to the person not being able to afford an extra hundred bucks for her.

     

    Post # 52
    Member
    310 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    View original reply
    @soontobemrsm11  I hear what you’re saying.  The most important word was in your second sentence: “I’d.”  As I said, I think that it’s up to the couple being married to decide.  I prefer a more “fancy” affair, which is what we’re having.  And we’re inviting only the people that we want to invite.  I’m not making any judgment on their relationships.  If they choose not to come because their partner isn’t invited, I don’t hold any animosity towards them.  When my wife gets invited to things, and I don’t, I don’t sit around pouting.  I enjoy my alone time, or hang out with my own friends. It’s been astonishing to me to see how many people think they’re entitled to an invitation.  No one is entitled to be invited, including the immediate family (in my opinion).  Some people have gotten angry about it, but at around $300/person, and given the fact that we’re trying to keep it small for other reasons, their anger is of little consequence to me.

    Post # 53
    Member
    3051 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    View original reply
    @KelannaDC  I can understand where you’re coming from. it definitely is up to the couple. I would be offended if my SO wasn’t invited to a wedding and I was close to the bride/groom. If I wasn’t close to them, truthfully I wouldn’t care at all and probably wouldn’t attend even though I would have attended if my SO had been invited. No feelings impacted at all if I’m not close to the couple.

    Post # 54
    Member
    4846 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think there are better ways to manage budget. The amount of +1’s on a guest list is daunting, but the fallout from not including them is a buttload of stress and drama you don’t need. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    592 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @KelannaDC 

     

    I actually hear a lot of Bees suggest finding other places in their wedding to cut. I think that’s pretty bold to tell someone they should change something they want for their wedding so they can accommodate someone’s date or SO. I could never imagine being invited to a weddind alone and telling the bride why don’t you cut your dress budget so I can bring a date when I was single.

     

    In my opinion people have the weddings they want. Hopefully it’s the one day you get to have control over and make it everything you ever envisioned. If an invited guest has an issue with attending a function by themselves they can just decline. But suggesting someone change something they want for the day they get married to accommodate me is just something I plan never to do. I find that more rude than being invited to a wedding without my Fiance.

     

    Post # 56
    Member
    2490 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    Anyone who is in a serious relationship should get a +1 regardless of marital status. Anything else would be rude.

    Post # 57
    Hostess
    8146 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2012

    We were on a very tight budget, but we knew that people might hold it against us to not allow +1’s. It’s a sensitive subject, and we just didn’t want to deal with the questions of “why?”, and “can i bring ___?”.. So we gave everyone that we knew who had a boyfriend or girlfriend, no matter what the length of the relationship, a plus 1. Out of the 30 extra people, only 7 brought their boyfriends/girlfriends! So it really wasn’t a problem in the end!

    Post # 58
    Member
    400 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    View original reply
    @lizzieb  I’m doing the same thing, inviting people by name. My wedding is still 10 months out, but I’ve talked to a few of the single people and let them know that if there is someone they’d like to bring to let me know their name, and if that changes between now and when the invitations go out to let me know. They seem perfectly happy with that. It’s a way to separate people in relationships (no matter how short the relationship is, it lets them be the judge on seriousness not me) from people who might bring a random date, friend, or relative.

    I’m working on the save the dates now, and I guess I’m doing a little judging on relationships…. If they seem serious and have been together for awhile I’m putting both names on the save the date, but if they’ve been together for a few months (or 11 days as I noticed on one person’s facebook account), it would probably be awkward for them to receive a joint save the date for something 10 months from now. So if they’re together when the invitations go out, I’ll put both names on it, but for the save the dates I’m just putting down the friend.

    Post # 59
    Member
    8437 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I had a tight budget and I gave all of my single guests a +1 (married couples were obviously invited together) and slashed my flower/dress/hair/nails budget.  It just depends on what you think is a priority, but there is always somewhere else that you can take from if you really want your guests to have a +1.

    Post # 60
    Member
    2453 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    View original reply
    @Trinisexy2  +1.  Oh, I’m supposed to invite +1s for everyone over 18?  Guess we’ll be having cake from Wal-Mart and eating burgers from McDs.  Or guess I’ll have to invite only half of my friends so they can bring dates.

    Yeah.  Real priorities there.

    OP, I would for sure invite married/engaged people, and try my best to invite living together and those who have been in a relationship for x amount of time.

    People can argue all they want about arbitrary cut-offs.  I see them the same as inviting kids.  If I make the cut off 16… Well, what about 15 year olf Jimmy?  He’s close enough.  But then there’s 14 year old Cassie.  Guess I have to invite her too.  13, 12, 11…  Congratulations, your kid-free wedding has now become kid-friendly.  Hope you’re happy.

    Post # 61
    Member
    89 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I just want to add my two cents because I have experienced just want you are planning on doing. Last year a former co-worker and friend of mine got married and she only invited me, not my boyfriend despite the fact that we had been living together for over 4 years at the time and she was well aware. She told me that she had to invite a lot of her family and she would see if she could invite him when she got her RSVPs in, she never did. I told my boyfriend that I would refuse the invitation on principle because I felt as though she was showing no respect for our relationship. My boyfriend talked me into attending the wedding and said he was fine not going.

    Well as fate would have it, my boyfriend proposed to me before her wedding, nevertheless I still attended on my own.When I got there all my other friends husbands were invited and everyone was asking for my Fiance, and when I said he was not invited, they were all obvioulsy confused. And to add insult to injury there were several empty seats there so I definitely felt it was a clear intention on her part not to invite him.

    Now our wedding is fast approaching and she has messaged me from time to time to ask how planning is going. The thing is, my Fiance has put his foot down, she and her husband are not invited and I can’t say that I blame him. Another friend had done me the same thing the year before and I did not go to the wedding and I’m not inviting her to mine, not only out of spite, but partly bc we have lost touch and partly out of spite. Say what, I’m human!

    Now I know this friend pretty well, she is expecting an invitation. But she won’t be receiving one and i know she will feel slighted but then again she did the same thing to me.

    I’ve said all of that to say, be very careful when you make this decision because it will having an effect on your friendships with these ladies long after your wedding

    The topic ‘No ring no bring?’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors