(Closed) No RSVP and showing up with a date! Help!

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
48 posts
Newbee

Do you have phone numbers for everyone? I recommend calling and finding out who is actually coming… I’d rather be called instead of turned away (though it was my lack of RSVP-ing that cause the turn away)

Post # 4
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2007

if your RSVP date has come & gone I’d suggest call everyone who hasn’t replied and find out if they are coming or not; the last few weeks before your wedding are stressful enough without knowing what your final count will be at the reception.

Post # 6
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Are your inlaws paying for the wedding?  If so, then I would let them deal with it and plan to have your venue set up and serve extra meals as required.  If it is their tradition not to RSVP then your in-laws should be prepared to deal with the extra costs.

If they are not paying for it…. then too bad for them, I would follow up by phone.  It is your guests faux-pas for not RSVPing as requested, not yours for following up by phone.  Really, you are doing them a courtesy for following up and getting a response for them, by doing that you are ensuring they have a meal and somewhere to sit.  Very courteous of you, considering they didn’t have the courtesy to RSVP.   

Post # 7
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

If it makes you feel any better, talking to some event planning friends, typically about 10% of those that RSVP’d "yes" will not show up (due to various reasons: sickness, death, etc). 

And when I talked to my banquet manager, he said that most places will have extra meals prepared anyway, especially if you have a venue where guests pick their meals (ie; chicken, beef, fish, vegetarian).  Even after giving the venue a final count, they usually prepare a lot more than the count since guests don’t usually remember what they picked or sometimes change their minds. 

Post # 8
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

It’s too bad that so many of your guests didn’t RSVP, but at this point I think you have to call them and explain that you really need an idea of how many people are coming, in order to ensure that there is food – and tables and chairs – for everybody who shows up.  If they can’t seem to commit, then use your best judgement to tell them that you will either be looking forward to seeing them there, or you’re so sorry that you won’t.  It’s not rude to make it clear that your caterer will set up for the number of people expected, so you need to know.  If you had only a small number of people who hadn’t RSVP’d you could probably accomodate the risk, but with 100 I think you need to do something.

I second that if you are are in charge of arrangements, particularly if you are paying, then your in-laws don’t have any say in this.  If they are reluctant to call, then it’s probably better you do it yourself anyway, as they are likely to end up telling people that whatever they do is fine, and you won’t have any better numbers than you do now.  Hopefully you do have or can get phone numbers.  I made both my mom and my Future Mother-In-Law provide phone numbers for everybody on the guest list, in order to get them on the guest list, just in case we had to do any calling (as I don’t really trust either one of them to be firm about the importance of the RSVP).

Post # 10
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

if you Future In-Laws are unwilling to call to follow up, could your fh call them since they are technically from "his"side of the invite list??

how about mailing a follow-up letter written in korean, nothing fancy, just something that politely states: since our venue has limited space, we would like the courtesy of your reply so proper meals and seating arrangements can be secured" or something like that…

i’d definitely put my foot down with the Future In-Laws (i know this can be seen as a sign of disrespect but you have to do what you have to do); can your parents talk to his parents?? or make your fh talk to his parents?? good luck!

 

Post # 11
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I would just tell you Future In-Laws that if these people show up and do not RSVP you will not be able to accommodate them and will have to ask them to leave. And get your FH behind you on this. I think that the embarrassment of having their friends turned away would be enough for them to do SOMETHING about the situation.

Post # 12
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

And I also think that if you are unable to get a guest count from these people that you need to have assigned seating. I know it’s more work, but it is really unfair to your guests that RSVPed to show up and have these crashers taking up all the seats.

Post # 14
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Call them!!! 

Post # 15
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with prettykatie, you should have assigned tables. Not only will this prevent the "crashers" from taking the seats of those guests who were actually polite enough to RSVP, it will also make things easier for your guests.

I know assigned seating might feel like you’re bossing your guests around, but think of it this way: Would you want to walk into a room with tonnes of people you don’t know (some of whom don’t even speak your language) and try to find a seat? Maybe the table with your friends is already full… maybe you have a date with you and there are only single seats left. Having assigned will reduce the confusion and help your guests find seats faster. This will also help to keep things on schedule; your caterer will thank you!

Good luck with whatever you decide! I’m sure it will all work out and you’ll have a wonderful wedding day! 

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