Post # 1
Member
15 posts
Newbee
Is it possible?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He’s divorced with one child and I have 1 from a previous relationship. We’re both Christians but we were having premarital sex and hadn’t been going to church. We’ll he’s decided to go back to church and focus on his faith and stop sex until marriage. At first, I found it hard because we were having regular sex. But now— I respect his decision and decided to go on this journey with him. I want to be closer to God and strengthen my faith bc I was at a point of completely losing all faith.
Anyway, I’m scared that with no more intimacy he will soon find me undesirable. We cuddle at night but he’ll get turned on and stop. He barely touches me and jerks if he accidentally touches my chest or rear. I don’t want him to get to a point where he’s no longer finding me ‘sexy’, although he says it – the avoidance and non touching and embracing is killing me.
Any advice on how to cope with this? If and when we do tie the knot, I want him to want me and enjoy me but I feel like maybe that won’t happen.
Don’t get me wrong, I can live without sex until marriage but my concern is that his avoidance is going to lead to him no longer being sexually attracted.
Post # 2
Member
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
dallasgirl2k16 : this guy was treating you like a “slave” a year ago, now suddenly he doesn’t want to have sex anymore while living with you? That’s just very odd.
While I certainly support your /his religious beliefs, I wonder if this isn’t some new way to treat you poorly, withhold love, manipulate you.
This is the same guy who punished you after a vacation and you were forced to call your parents for money. He’s a jerk, bee. And jerks like that don’t change.
Post # 3
Member
10454 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Not having sex doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you sexy or isn’t attracted to you. It sounds like he is just trying to avoid temptation. You don’t need to be having sex with someone to want to have sex with them. How do you think he found you attractive in the first place? Have you never been attracted to a celebrity you’ve never even met, and certainly never touched but you can still feel sexually attracted to that person.
My husband and I didn’t have sex for the first 4 years of our relationship because we wanted to wait until marriage. It didn’t ever lessen our sexual attraction to each other.
It does sound like he may be taking this to an extreme though. Do you never kiss? What are his limits? Maybe you can do some negotiating in those areas so that you still feel wanted.
Post # 4
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
Hey Bee, so I’m not going to enter into a debate whether it is “good” or “bad” to not have sex before marriage but wanted to say kudos to you for joining your SO on this journey. two things I’ve understood from Christian friends about this:
firstly, one of the “points” of abstaining is to build a solid foundation for the relationship where issues cannot be masked by sex or sexual intimacy – so there is less of a focus on the sexual, because people need to develop a relationship that isn’t propped up by sex. Sometimes people aren’t righ for each other but have good chemistry, and when at some point in life the chemistry fizzles or sex life goes through a dip, there isn’t enough to sustain the relationship. Like I said, not agreeing or disagreeing, just sharing. I would say focus less on being sexy and desired for now, you already know you can have a satisfying sexual relationship. Focus on having fun together, on having deep meaningful conversations, amd growing together spiritually.
Secondly, this situation isn’t so viable loooong term, especially if you live together, which is why christian dating is often very intentional – meaning leading towards marriage. So keep in mind that even though it might be “possible” to live like this for a while, it might be healthier fir the relationship if you can find out whether you are moving towards marriage.
best of luck!
Post # 5
Member
9209 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Doesn’t the church regard living in sin (aka not married) just as bad as pre-marital sex? It seems a bit like he is cherry picking what he is religious about. And given your previous posts it is a little troubling.
Post # 6
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
dallasgirl2k16 : the wait will make him desire you more. We’re waiting too, and I love him for his respect to my religious belief. Don’t worry that he’d find you undesirable. He’s working on his relationship with God right now. Hugs.
Post # 7
Member
11143 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
BalletParker :
WTAF?! Is this the guy from a year ago? I went back and read OP’s old thread. This is utter madness.
OP, what are you effin thinking staying with this jackass? The way he treats you is despicable. Get the hell out of there. Now he’s playing sexual withholding games.
This guy calling himself a Christian is a slap in the face to real Christians.
Bees, don’t get suckered into giving OP advice on how to work out this relationship. Go back and read her old thread about the horrible weekend first.
Post # 8
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
Hi Bees, I wasn’t aware of the back story to this post when I responded.
OP, given what you’ve shared of this man’s character in the past, I doubt that this is a sincere effort to honour your relationship and his spiritual life, and it is rather a further emotionally abusive/manipulation tactic. Please look out for yourself and be with someone who treats you with love and respect and kindness.
Post # 9
Member
6 posts
Newbee
Based on the information you’ve provided us, I’d recommend supporting your fiancé on this journey and consider that this might not be about you and more about him and his faith.
How long until your wedding?
Post # 10
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
dallasgirl2k16 : umm… I saw your previous posts and wondered why do you stay when you obviously know you deserve better treatment than that? Has he changed for a long time or just a recent change?
Post # 11
Member
7798 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
When is your wedding? Do you even have a date set?
What is it about this man that causes you to stay with him? Based upon your past posts there are all sorts of reasons he could be making this choice right now. Does it feel to you as if this new choice is coming from a place of respect or a place of control (or worse, punishment)?
Post # 12
Member
15 posts
Newbee
Hmmmm. You ladies are making me think. I don’t know why I’ve stayed and really hoped that this was for the better. Maybe it is a mind game and a game of sexual withholding. I don’t know why I’m so weak. A part of me feels like I’m too old to go out looking to date and just accept the past treatment. I’m so embarrassed that I’ve stayed and even asked this question.
Post # 13
Member
9209 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
dallasgirl2k16 : There is nothing to be embarrassed about. It is really smart and mature to realise the relationship you are in is unhealthy and to have the strength to leave. You are not too old.
Be the captain of your ship and steer it to a better life.
Post # 14
Member
11143 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
dallasgirl2k16 :
I was decades older than you are and happily dating when I met Dh. Your age is no excuse for staying with an abusive ass.
Post # 15
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
So…..he won’t have sex with you but will master bate regularly whenever he’s turned on by you??? Hmm…..I’m pretty sure the church is not ok with this either….he seems very weird.