(Closed) no sex in 7 months…

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Awww that sucks, I am sorry you are going through this 🙁 I agree with you, intimacy is very important to me as well.

Birth control is what killed mine, so ultimately, I went off it. I take Cymbalta, which also helps with anxiety, and it hasn’t affected my drive at all, although it is a side effect that could affect some people.  

Maybe you could try creating more intimate moments? What used to get him in the mood before? If he likes lingerie, surprise him when he gets home from work in an outfit. If food is the way to his…member, then make him his favorite meal.

Tell him how much you appreciate him, make him feel special. I know that when I started telling my husband more about how I appreciated him,and complimented him on things, he was more willing to reciprocate.

I also feel strongly that I statements might be the way to go. Just tell him how you feel. “I want to work on our lack of intimacy, because I feel it important to our relationship. I know you can’t go off the meds right now, so i want to try to put in more effort.” whether that effort be more date nights, more alone time, more movie and popcorn time, whatever it is that makes you both feel closer to the other.

I hope this helps some, and ((HUGS)). 

Post # 4
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s time for him to go to his doctor and get put on another medication.  There are medications that will work like he needs the Zoloft to work, but not kill his sex drive.  Wellbutrin is known for that.  This is not something the two of you can fix together — his medical professional needs to know about this like, 6 months ago!

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
1811 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My Fiance was on zoloft when we first met and this was a bit of a problem.  Shortly after it became clear that our relationship was heading towards being serious, he decided to stop taking it.  Let me warn you, if he does just stop taking it be prepared.  My Fiance got sensations that he kept calling “the shocks” and he said it felt like someone was sending an electric current down his spine.  He never flat out told me that it was painful, but I could see that for at least 2 weeks after stopping he wasn’t comfortable.  Thankfully though, he stuck with it and managed to get through that withdrawl period and he hasn’t had any major problems since.  Good luck!  I know how much this situation hurts because there is some guilt that goes along with choosing his need for medication vs. your relationship’s need for intimacy.  Feel free to pm me at any time if you need to talk.

Post # 6
Member
4070 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I am so sorry you’re going through this.

Whilst I understand your frustration, be careful with how you approach the situation.  He’s clearly insecure about it already “do you know how bad I feel already…” and whilst I’m sure your intention isn’t to nag he probably feels attacked (I’m not saying you nag btw), and he already feels guilty and under pressure about this.

But I don’t think he should “blame” the meds.  Again, not saying it isn’t the meds, but I don’t think it’s healthy for him to be saying things like I’ll go off Zoloft a few days.  He does this to please you but long term it’s not good for him.

Focus on “fixing” his sex drive rather than “blaming” him for not giving you enough.  The most importat thing needs to be him changing his meds, but I know he’s struggling with that too.  Be lighthearted about it and suggest you try something new.  Instead of “you” or “I” use “we” and “us”.  It should be something you do together.

Example: “You know what, I think we’ve given Zoloft a pretty good go but I’m not sure it’s right for us.  What do you say to us trying something new?”

I appreciate that he’s unlikely to turn around and say “sure, why not, lets see the doc tomorrow”.  Show him you want to help, because as PPs have said this should have been looked at a while ago, by a pro.

Good luck 🙂

Post # 7
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Trust me…he feels horrible. I’m currently the one in our relationship that has no interest in sex. It’s getting better, but I think mine is due to high levels of stress plus the birth control. I came off the bc so it is getting better. But this has caused us some arguments. I think unless you’ve been the one that wants no sex you have no idea how hard it is. So try and cut him some slack.

However, that being said, I would ask him (in a loving way) to see if there is a different medication he can use. Will he have to use this medication for life or is this going to be temporary?

I also knew a guy who was on meds like this and his problem was that no matter what, he could never get off. So he would just stop trying.

Post # 8
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Thats terrible. Im sorry this is happening, it must be making a difficult situation worse. There are other meds out there that would not do this, somebody mentioned Wellbutrin, i have heard a lot of good experiences with Wellbutrin but I think it acts on slightly different receptors so it might need to paired up with something like Prozac. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

This sounds awful. I completely disagree with PPs who say you should cut him some slack. It sounds like you already have and he still hasn’t done anything about it for 7 months. I think now you need to have a serious chat with him about how you feel and how important physical intimacy is to the relationship. Make sure he understands that since he is in a relationship, this doesn’t just affect him and he has to be mindful of the impact on you. Also let him know that be has options and his doctor can put him on different medication to get rid of this side effect.

Post # 10
Member
5211 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I think it is time to have a very direct and honest talk about how this is affecting you, the relationship, and your sense of connection to him and that you are firm that this is a major, major issue for you and that it may very well mean the relationship cannot continue if this is not addressed.

Indeed the meds may be the initial reason for his plummeted sex drive, however it is on him to actually take the action to do something about that by going to his doctor (and no, the answer is not to “just stop taking them for a few days” on his own without doctor supervision!). This is where he, if he cares about you and this relationship, needs to take some responsibility for himself and what is happening and look at how it can be addressed in a healthy, safe and positive way (not just by stopping meds!).

I was in a relationship once where the sex just totally went away too, and much like you described, there was also no intimate kissing or other affection. Just maybe some quick pecks and hugs, but no truly intimate physical connection. Unfortunately in our case, he was not willing to really “discuss it” or see anyone. In our case there was no depression or medications. He was not having an affair or anything of that sort, but was resentful and used the sex (or lack of it) as a way to act out on that but he would not talk to me, or talk to a counselor, about it. In every other way he was stilll kind, considerate, and so on. It did not matter if I wore sexy lingerie, or told him how much I cared about him or appreciated him, or whatever else, and all it meant was I was constantly trying to find new ways of being rejected (well, it felt that way anyway at the time!). It was not about *me* not making enough effort as all I was doing was making efforts and I was becoming emotionally drained, sad, angry and frustrated. But the reason was…because I could NOT fix it on my own. He had to take responsibility too and want to fix it, and he just did not.

Things did not get better, and ultimately we had to part ways because obviously there were some major communication/resentment issues there to begin with given he was withdrawing sexually due to them, and the lack of sex just also killed so many of other intimacies that are important in my opinion and excaberated those issues. Slowly I became more resentful and hurt as well and my own emotional health and self esteem became pretty shaky as I felt constantly rejected. The distance grew greater until everything felt a bit “false”, like we were “pretending” to be partners but really weren’t (we owned a home together and everything so it felt like we were roommates in a great sense). I hoped things would get better but MY hope was not enough alone when he was not doing or willing to do anything to address it. I loved him too, but that was not enough to “fix” it.

Obviously the situations are different, but I tell you this story to emphasize how important it is you do address this and because while the “reasons” for the low drive are different, the effects it is having on you and the relationship, and his way of (not) addressing it is very similar. It is NOT going to get better by pretending it is not happening or just sweeping it to the side. I know for me, based on my personal experience, there is no way I could be happy with continuing forward in a sexless relationship, not for life. Even if for some reason I or my partner was unable to physical have intercourse, there would need to be other physical intimacies and ways to connect in that way.

The longer this goes on…and 7 months is already a long time…the harder it is going to be to reignite that physical intimacy even if he DOES get onto other meds. This is not something that can just “wait” even longer.

 

I really feel for you. Again, I know the experiences are different, but I think the emotional pain is very much the same. In my experience, things went on much longer than 7 months and by the end I was so emotionally “empty” and I would really hate to see you in that position. This MUST be addressed and he MUST do something actively to address it, it cannot all fall onto you, and if he does not you really need to consider whether you can live like this any longer, never mind forever. Physical connection and intimacy to me is JUST as important as him doing all the other sweet stuff, and there is NOTHING wrong in needing that intimacy too in a life partnership.

 

Post # 11
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Ok, so this my be Too Much Information but when I first got together with my Fiance he had just started taking Cymbalta, and it wasn’t that it was killing his sex drive, but it was giving him ED and he was really embarrassed about it. Is it possible that this is happening to your FI? If it is then pressuring him about it will sadly only make it worse, and going off the Zoloft might help but if the anxiety remains that might not recover. I don’t know if this is an issue for you or your Fiance but if it is just be really supportive! 

Post # 12
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Even if HE isn’t in the mood, he could at least be doing stuff for you, whether it is oral or with toys. I think it’s really unfair that he’s unwilling to at least do that.

Post # 13
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

He needs another medication. Zoloft may not be for him if it’s affecting him this way. Maybe Wellbutrin will be better? He needs to talk to his doc!

Post # 14
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m on the fence about this. I can sympathize with you as well as with your Fiance. I’ve taken Zoloft and it has killed my sex drive. I can also say that it is a big part of why I’m still alive today. He’s not kidding when he tells you he feels bad, it’s the worst feeling in the world turning down your partner.

Has he taken anything else in the past? Medication switching is no joke and can really fuck with you, perhaps that’s why he’s hesitant to do it? I definitely don’t mean to paint you as the bad guy here, you’re not.  Really he needs to talk to his doctor about it. Is it possible that he’s nervous or embarassed about telling the doctor he’s not interested in sex? Would he be open to you sitting in on a session with him so you can explain your concerns to the doctor and in a way open the door to that discussion?

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