No sex or affection with cold (maybe depressed) husband – I want a baby

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
3454 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

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gr8tful4friendships :  a baby is the LAST thing your marriage needs right now… 

Post # 18
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I am not saying he is perfect by any means but I can absolutely see why he has lost his desire to have sex if you are both out of work and you are still pushing for a baby anyway. Nothing would kill my sex drive more than the thought of a baby we weren’t ready for.

Post # 20
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I definitely don’t think “once it’s gone it’s gone” at all. Every relationship ebbs and flows, particularly with sex. I don’t know about your previous posts or the other problems in your relationship but from the sounds of your post it is directly linked to stress from the job loss. How long have you both been unemployed? Have either of you started working part time to bridge the gap? Money is the number 1 cause of arguments and stress in relationships and the lack of money even more so.  Ring unemployed for some people is o much more than that, it is a massive blow to their ego and they struggle to maintain self esteem and motivation. It sounds like at the very minimum you both need to take any job that will get you out of the house, out of each others pockets and making money. Then you will be in a better place to work on your relationship 

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gr8tful4friendships :  

Post # 21
Member
17 posts
Newbee

I would be looking into fertility rates at 39-40 years old. I would give him a date by which he agrees to try for baby. 

Are you prepared to potentially miss out on motherhood to stay with this man? 

Would you be prepared to go donor sperm if your husband wont comit to baby? Donor sperm os much cheaper than IVF.

The exact same thing happened to me at 31 years. I walked instantly when he said he was not on the path to marriage n children. 

Listen to what he says. 

 Sorry its harsh. 

Look at your fertility options if a baby is non negotiable to you.

 

Post # 22
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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gr8tful4friendships :  Personally I would be looking for a different therapist ASAP, the one you’re seeing sounds like a total waste of time. First because they haven’t engaged your husband, and second because they’ve suggested discussing your childhood. I think the suggestion that your marital issues are down to childhood is absolute bullshit, but even if that were true what are you going to accomplish by discussing the cause?! Wasting your time, that’s what. Better to focus on solutions. 

I highly recommend you read any book by John Gottman. Have a frank discussion with your husband about whether or not *he* wants to stay married. If he does, ask him what he’s comfortable doing to achieve that goal because your current marriage is untenable. Maybe he’s not doing the therapist’s homework assignments because he thinks they’re useless, but he would be willing to do other things — like the exercises from a John Gottman book?

Second, have a separate conversation about his job hunt. Ask him to set specific, achievable targets… e.g., he will apply to X number of jobs by Y date, regardless of how well they fit his skill set. Then discuss next steps if he still can’t find a job by a specified date — what would he like to do if he’s still unemployed in a year’s time? Or 6 months from now? You can set similar targets for yourself so that you’re in this as a team. Even if you’re already doing everything you can to find a job, it’ll help to write it out so that he knows precisely what you’re up to (and that you’re not asking him for anything you’re not also willing to do).

Third, shelve the baby idea for now. There are way too many issues for you to deal with to even consider conception. Would you really want a child if your marriage fails and you’re both unemployed? Besides, realistically, even if you leave your husband tomorrow you are not going to find and marry another man in time to have a child with him. So unless you want to get a sperm donor, your husband is still your best chance at a baby.

I have a feeling the sex/affection will return once you stop the baby train and he finds another job. Most mens’ self-worth are intricately tied to their career, so that combined with his (wise) desire not to have a baby would kill anyone’s interest in sex. How long you stay and keep trying to fix things is not a set amount of time. It’s however long you can. But give yourself/your marriage a break at the moment, you’re under stress from multiple angles and things may well still improve. I wouldn’t throw in the towel yet. At the same time, if you are damn unhappy now, maybe it’ll help to set a date for yourself to leave: if things don’t improve by March, say (or any month you please), then plan to separate.

Post # 23
Member
3399 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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gr8tful4friendships :  you should not have a baby. Neither of you have jobs, your husband has expressed dissatisfaction with this marriage, and you’re both currently in couples counseling. The writing on the wall couldn’t be clearer. 

Post # 24
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

It seems like he’s been doing an awful lot of blaming, which essentially means he has no intention of taking responsibility for his part in these problems or your marriage. For that reason, I wouldn’t hold your breath on anything changing, bee. You can lead an ass to water, but you can’t make him drink. 

Post # 25
Member
2084 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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secretgarden :  and how is she going to do any of this with no job and no money? Sorry but it’s irresponsible for her priority to be rushing to have a baby that neither of them can take care of even if she left her husband. Her marriage is in shambles and her husband has pretty much checked out. Maybe kids are not in the cards and don’t need to be considering a job and possible divorce need to happen first. 

Post # 26
Member
1825 posts
Buzzing bee

Sounds like you need a therpist who can set goals for the two of you. I also think it sounds like the reason he is so depressed is because he doesn’t have a job. I watched a married couple go through the husband being out of work for a year and it was insanely difficult for both of them. The wife didn’t know how to support him and anything she did to try to help him find a job was met with him being annoyed. Men really see their employment as a huge part of their identity. In therapy talk about how not having a job is affecting him and how he feels about himself. If he can open up about that and explore ways to cope with the stress until he finds a job great. That is most likely where the depression is coming from. And if he feels like crap about himself it makes sense he isn’t really interested in sex either. If your current therapist isn’t effective and can’t set goals, call around and find another one who has a style better suited to your issues. 

Post # 27
Member
10226 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He has zero desire to be married to you but doesn’t want to be the one to pull the plug. 

Do not have children, do not pass go, do not collect $200. 

Post # 28
Member
1351 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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slomotion :  I’m afraid this is the correct answer.

Time to get your affairs in order and consult a lawyer, OP.

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