No shower, no bachelorette…what to do?

posted 3 years ago in Parties
Post # 16
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

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lovelyeveey :  i have had my fair share of non-geniune friends also. It can sometimes lead you to feel lonely and a bit empty. Don’t bring yourself down because bee you are who you are. Theres nothing wrong with that. Any different and you wouldn’t be marrying your wonderdul fiance. I would look into hosting a coed bridal type luncheon with your fiance. Call it a “bride and geoom luncheon?”. You could even theme it.

Post # 17
Member
6534 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I didn’t have a shower, never asked my friends if they were planning one or why they didn’t, and didn’t miss it.  Still don’t feel like I missed out, because honestly most showers are not fun for guests (really who wants to sit around all afternoon gossiping and watching someone else open gifts?) and I was glad to not have another thing on my calendar.

 

Post # 18
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I didn’t have a shower or a bachelorette. This was mostly due to me living across the country from my family and friends and having a very small wedding.  I did not miss these events and had a spa day a couple days before the wedding where I got a massage and a manicure and pedicure.  Would you enjoy something like that? Otherwise, a coed luncheon or BBQ could be a fun way to celebrate with less stress. 

Post # 19
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee

If it helps, I have a good sized circle of friends and I’ve asked for no showers and no bachelorette party, as I simply don’t want either. And I don’t feel like I’m missing out.  

A lot of people don’t have showers or bachelorette parties because they don’t want them.  It sounds like you don’t want them, so don’t feel like you’re missing out – there’s no arbitrary rule that says you have to have them.

Post # 20
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Bee, from your responses it sounds like while your social anxiety makes these kinds of events a source of some fear, you might be ready to start considering adding new friends into your life in general. If so, I think that’s great and there’s no reason you can’t slowly work to integrate new relationships in an environment that respects your terms. You sound very self reflective and aware, which is a great trait to bring to a friendship. There are meetup groups and discussion groups for adults on the spectrum, which might be a safe place for you to start if you feel you want to expand your circle.

In the meantime, if you are comfortable with some of your FI’s friends, why not have a pre-wedding lunch or get-together. He can be a buffer if you feel overwhelmed at any time. Good luck, Bee.

Post # 21
Member
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

My ex husband had a cousin with high functioning autism. If he’d have asked me to celebrate something with him I’d have been overjoyed. I knew he had autism and so I never would have asked him for fear of pressuring him into an uncomfortable situation. 

 

Ask. 

Post # 23
Member
3649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I didn’t have an engagement party, bachelorette party, or bridal shower and I have zero regrets about skipping those. I did get offers, but I just had no interest in extra gatherings. Planning the wedding was all I was interested in party wise. Don’t feel like you’re missing out on anything. 

Post # 24
Member
1885 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I didn’t have either and chose to focus on having a great time at the wedding. At the end of the day, the wedding is about you and your future spouse.

Post # 25
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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lovelyeveey :  I didn’t do either of these because I didn’t want them and I feel happy I didn’t have to go through with them. I celebrated by going on a trip with FH

Post # 26
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i did not have a shower and dont feel like i missed out on anything when it came to that. My sister did drag me out two days before my wedding for an impromptu bachlorette party with a few close friends, but to be honest your not missing out, i got drunk and woke up with a wicked hangover, something you could do any day of the week… 

Post # 27
Member
5726 posts
Bee Keeper

You say you’re autistic (Aspergers?) and have no friends. You’re not exactly a prime candidate for a shower or bach party; it’s not even clear to me that you’d enjoy the experience even if you had people to invite. I wonder if what you’re feeling the need for a different kind of life – one with more social interaction and friends. That will take more effort than you’re currently putting out there, but your condition is not a the huge barrier you seem to think it is. So stop blaming your lack of a social life on your autism and be a friend to someone who needs one. 

 

Post # 28
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2020 - City, State

Hi there Bee, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m on the spectrum as well and fear of missing out is a big thing for me too, even when it’s things I know I wouldn’t enjoy.

ive accepted so many invitations to bars and loud concerts in my life because I thought I’d feel left out and regret not going if I didn’t, and then wished I’d stayed home when I did. Over the years, I’ve learned to be much more comfortable with saying no to things that won’t be fun for me and setting up the sorts of activities that will be enjoyable for me.

if something like a spa day with in laws (as pp described) sounds fun for you, talkto your fiancé about it! Tell him how you feel about this, tell him what you’ve told us, and ask him to hint to his family that this is something you’d really like that would really make you feel special. They should get the hint. If they know you’re on the spectrum and not the most social of brides, they may be holding back on offering to throw these parties for fear of making you feel pressured to accept an invitation to be the center of attention.

I also agree with pps who said a couple’s shower or any event where your fiancé can be there with you to help buffer.

It is against traditional wedding etiquette to ask for someone to host a party for you, but it’s totally okay to ask someone close to you to drop hints to the folks who could make your dream come true.

Alternatively, if you think about it more and decide you wouldn’t actually enjoy these things, talk with your fiancé and see what the two of you could do to celebrate this special time together in a way that’s better suited to you two specifically. You can still have a special prewedding event even if it’s not the traditional shower or bachelorette party.

Post # 29
Member
7224 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’ve got plenty of friends and family, but I decided not to have a bridal shower or bachelorette or wedding party because I didn’t care to do those things. (we also abandoned the garter toss, the father daughter dance and a bunch of other weddingy things society shows us that other people have done). I don’t think you have to do anything that doesn’t make you feel good for your wedding. How can you genuinely and unreservedly say YES! to this new step in your life if the road to it is full of activities that your mind and body emphatically say NO! to? 

Stick with your yeses- your Fiance, your wedding and whatever else works for you and let the other stuff go.

Post # 30
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

I have high functioning autism (I think), but only my fiancé knows. I’ve found it strangely easy to hide and only in the last few years have I considered that not everybody finds social events or making eye contact this hard! It’s helped explain a lot tbh. I experience the fear of missing out a lot, especially if there is a societal expectation – so totally get you on this.

I am lucky to have a close group of friends, mostly from school, but if I’m honest I’m not really excited about the prospect of a hen party. Group events stress me out, especially ones with different friend dynamics – and potentially travel!

I think it sounds like you want to mark the occasion, so I a small family thing with the women in your fiancé’s side could be really nice. If I was them, I’d be honoured to be invited to something like that. 

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