(Closed) no shows… and no card, no gift… and no card/gift from wedding party people

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
Member
3601 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Two of my sisters decided not to come to my wedding at the last minute. It’s all about perspective.

Post # 33
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Miss Wallaroo:

It’s a good song and it was pretty much completely fitting for the situation. I even thought it would be less offensive if I posted a popular tiggitytune instead of flat out saying “hey get over it.” But sooo anyways… do you get what I’m saying, or…?

@MidwestBride2012: This exactly.

 

ETA: Anyways, dear Wallaroo, I’ll stop ruining your post-wedding life now, if this card business hasn’t already! (just kidding)

Post # 34
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Wow. This is interesting (all the responses!). Anyway…I wouldn’t say anything. I am sorry this hurt your feelings, but is it really THAT big of a deal? I hold on to cards too, but it is just a card when you think about it. I can understand being irked about the no shows! But there is nothing you can do about it now…I say breathe, enjoy being MARRIED(because that is what it is all about!) and enjoy being a newlywed! 🙂

 

Edit: I didn’t give my sister a card at the wedding, I was the maid of honor. I gave a heartfelt speech and was her goto person if she needed anything and helped her plan more than my now brother in law. I gave her my card and gift at the bridal shower! Besides…she was just happy to marry her hubby.

Post # 35
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I was never sure what the etiquette was with your wedding party. My thought was at least a card. I know that they spent money to be in the wedding and everything, but I thought at least a congratulations card would have been nice. None of our wedding party gave us cards. But I’m not worrying about it. I actually had one of the bridesmaids bail out on me a few weeks before the wedding.

I had some of my family come to the wedding and not give us a card or a gift. I shouldn’t be surprised because they did the same thing with my sister’s wedding several years ago. One of my cousins RSVP that his 2 teenage sons were coming and then they didn’t. It cost extra to feed their family and then they didn’t even give us a card.

 

 

Post # 38
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@jules0580: I think this is a great approach, actually. “Dear best friend, I want you to be in my wedding but only if you’re willing to buy a dress, throw me parties, AND get me a gift. If you can’t do all of that, then I’d rather you not be in the wedding.” It’s a good way to avoid problems later.

Some people cherish cards. I get rid of most. Some people have different levels of sentimentality. I chose to share a trip with the bride, then got her a shower gift that symbolized it. That took a lot more thought than grabbing a random card, which I honestly just didn’t have time to do. But to each their own…

Post # 40
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I place a higher value on having somoene stand by my side in support and celebration of our marriage, over a card. THat just wouldn’t register on my radar. But why would your musician get your card though?

Post # 42
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Miss Wallaroo: Maybe the musicians thought playing at the wedding was their gift?

Post # 43
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sorry you’re getting snarked on so much for what I think is a perfectly understandable case of hurt feelings. Long story short, though, is that some people just aren’t good at knowing “what’s done” for formal events, especially when they’re on the inner circle of involvement. I wouldn’t take it as a commentary about the depth and quality of your friendship with them, however. Is your Fiance bothered about the groomsmen’s omission? I figure since they’re (probably) his close friends, he’s really the one that has to be content with their level of expressiveness. If possible, just for your own mental health, try to figure that they were so consumed with the process of being in the wedding that they overlooked this aspect. (I don’t mean “consumed” like “she’s a bridezilla” consumed, but rather consumed with “I need my shoes and my suit, and to be here and to walk at this point in the music, and not do anything embarassing while they’re getting married…” etc)

Post # 44
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

I totally understand why you are hurt because people didn’t at least get you a card for congratulations. In my opinion, it is rude to go to a wedding empty handed, and I’m sorry you feel hurt. Unfortunately, lots of single guys just don’t know the etiquette rules regarding weddings and other social events. 

Post # 45
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

OP warned us her thread was a ‘vent’. We all have moments, right or wrong, where we just want to vent our frustrations to other people. I think unless it’s totally unreasonable we should support this kind of post without taking the mick. If you have a different opinion, say it nicely. Why wouldn’t you do this?

I also totally agree, I think it’s rude to come empty handed. If someone is being paid for to come and be a part of your day, it’s polite to say thank you at least by way of a card. After all, we send thank you cards to those who have spent money to be there.

In my case, I’m paying for the wedding myself (with FI). Bridal party pays for nothing but their own travel expenses. If they didn’t get me at least a card, petty or not, I couldn’t help but feel that’s ungrateful. If someone didn’t turn up on the day and didn’t bother to tell me in advance, I’d be very annoyed. It’s a total waste of a lot of money. At least the courtesy of a phone call, even last minute, goes some way to rectifying this loss.

OP – you should be allowed to vent. People can be allowed to disagree but in a respectful way!

Post # 46
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m a little late in joining this party but I just wanted to throw in my two cents. I understand how you’re hurt, don’t get me wrong. I guess my only thing is that I honestly don’t think any of these people meant to hurt or offend you. Can you imagine your groomsmen being like “hmm.. I know I’m supposed to get a card, but forget them! I don’t want to!!” If I was in someone’s bridal party before all my wedding planning began, I don’t even think I’d have known I was supposed to get them a card. Perhaps a card to go with the shower gift, yes, but if anything I’d think they needed to get me one to thank me for being a part of their day! The before was bolded because now that I’ve gone completely crazy with my wedding planning I know that it’s very poor etiquette to not get a card or RSVP and then no-show..

When I was 18 I went with my boyfriend to a wedding that I don’t even think they RSVP’d me for. I had no clue that people payed for the meal per head, etc. I was also a Bridesmaid or Best Man for an older friend when I was 16, and I didn’t get her a card either. My parents did, but I had no clue that was even expected of me. Looking back, how rude of me on both occasions, but I was just plain ignorant. Cut your friends some slack and don’t take it too personally. Also, IMO, definitely don’t say anything to them!

The topic ‘no shows… and no card, no gift… and no card/gift from wedding party people’ is closed to new replies.

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