No small children at a long distance wedding…

posted 2 months ago in Guests
Post # 46
1191 posts
Bumble bee

Why don’t you just get local childcare or leave them at home with family? Children were allowed at our wedding but essentially all couples chose to not bring their kids because they wanted an excuse for a “date night” for mum and dad which care be rare with little ones. Some people brought little babies, we also provided a baby sitter on site who really only looked after one toddler who was there. I feel like a lot of weddings are child free now and it’s because the venues don’t want to cover for insurance etc xo

Post # 48
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2020

If her invitation says no kids, DO NOT ask if you can bring your kids (as others have suggested). For my wedding in April we are not having kids. It’s a personal choice. Most of my guests are coming from out of twon/flying to the wedding. It is the resposibility of the guest to make arrangements for their kids, or to decline. 

Weddings are expensive – I’m already having 250 guests and if everyone brought their children the counts on food and everything go up very quickly. People need to consider who is on the invitation. If it says “mr. and Mrs” or just yourself – that is all that’s invited. If kids were invited it’d say “the XXX family” That is the proper etiquette.

Sounds like from the start of this thread, your friend was very clear on the no kids policy and that should be respected. 

Post # 49
468 posts
Helper bee

I’d just decline, no need to feel bad about it. She has every right to have a child free wedding, however she doesn’t get to be upset if people decline due to the inconvenience and costs that may cause. Part of having a child free wedding is understanding that not everyone will be able to or want to attend. Don’t feel like you should have to bend over backwards to try to attend when it simply doesn’t work for you.

Post # 50
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

View original reply
happyjuju :  She said she unfortunately has no babysitters local to her who are free for overnight and a few days care. She is also not comfortable hiring an unknown carer in an unfamiliar city which I totally agree with plus if her child is anything like mine 1year olds are quite wary of strangers and prone to separation anxiety so just suddenly leaving them for a few days or dropping them off with a stranger in a strange place would end in tears. 

OP I know it’s easy to feel guilty that you can’t make it work but the truth is that having little kids makes life difficult for a few years and it doesn’t make you a bad person to put your child and family first when you have no options. Just kindly explain that it will be too hard to source childcare and she has to have considered that she is putting people with kids in a difficult position and that’s her choice. Her desire for a child free wedding trumps the fact that some people may not attend and that is fine as it’s obviously important to her. I also had a child free wedding before I had kids myself and the logistics of how hard it might have been for others didn’t become clear until I had my own child. Looking back I would have invited children but too late now haha. 

Post # 51
6878 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

She has made her choice about her wedding, and that is fine. But as others have mentioned, that doesn’t mean she can be upset about people declining. She needs to do what is right for her, and you need to do what is right for you. She has decided that a child-free event trumps some people attending; there is no reason you should feel bad for not attending, as your family/child trumps any event. 

Post # 52
140 posts
Blushing bee

This kind of thing irks me.

Just decline. It’s already asking a lot of you to pay to get there, plus the cost of staying in a hotel/vacay home.

Asking you to pay an additional few hundred bucks to cover child care is a lot In My Humble Opinion.

The bride and groom do this to save some of their own money by not allowing children to attend, but realistically they’re just shoving that cost back onto their guests.

Post # 53
701 posts
Busy bee

I feel like this is one of the perennial issues that comes up all of the time on WB. There are no right answers, but here are my thoughts.

1) Your friend has every right to have a kid-free wedding. I had a church wedding followed by a fancy black tie reception and having kids around would have completely ruined the vibe we were going for and the enjoyment of every other guest except for the parents who brought their kids. Also doubt the kids would have enjoyed the hour-long ceremony. Part of our reception was also poolside so having kids there would have meant more liability for the hotel and conversely added expense for us, and extra vigilance needed on behalf of the parents.

2) If none of the options for childcare are workable, you shouldn’t feel badly about not going. Fomo is one thing, but you shouldn’t feel any guilt. You are doing what is best for your family and for your sanity. One of my longest and dearest friends declined our wedding. In my mind, she could have made it work with childcare, but she chose to stay home and that was her choice. Our relationship hasn’t changed at all.

We have a wedding to attend 7 weeks after my due date. Current plan is to have my mom come with us and stay wit the baby at the hotel (it’s about 45 minutes away from our home) and I will have to sneak back likely during the cocktail hour to nurse and call it an earlier night than my husband and I normally do. If something comes up and our plan doesn’t work out, I will stay home. But I will not be asking the bride to change her wedding vision/plans so I can bring my baby.

All in all I find it so frustrating how polarizing this issue is — referring more to other commenters than OP. I would never dictate to someone how they should throw an event, who should be invited, etc. It’s amazing to me that people think it is okay.

Post # 54
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

If she invited you knowing your sitation, are you that close? I mean I would do anything to accommodate someone I close with. Looks like a pretend invite, where people invite someone they don’t care to see knowing already they won’t be able to make it

Post # 55
348 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
colleen1983 :  I also had a wedding without children but made an exception for parents travelling from out of town.  Well, you could ask permission to bring your child since you are travelling. She may take your situation into consideration. Your other options are: to leave your husband with your kid or just decline to attend. 

Post # 56
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

We are having a kid free wedding. Our wedding and reception venues are definitely not suitable for children.  We have a few friends with kids, some got sitters, some declined the invite.  My sister in law is not coming because they have 4 kids, age 5 and under.  I completely understand that it’s not that easy to find a sitter for that many kids, even though I did give her some options of my best friend’s nieces (3 of them), 1 of which is a nurse and 1 is a professional nanny and one babysits a lot that were happy to babysit the circus but hey, it is what it is.  

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