Post # 1
Ok, I have a question for the ettiquette experts. I attended a wedding four months ago. It was a second wedding for both the bride and groom and they pretty much have everything they need so I gave them a decent amount of money in a card (it was cash).
I have not received a thank you card, and I think I read that brides have up to a year to send the thank you card, is that correct? But knowing this bride, she would have had hers out probably right away (I know her, that’s the way she is).
I am not all butt-hurt and offended because of the thank you part, I just like to receive the thank you because it is like a receipt so that I know they did receive the gift. I am now worried that what if my card got swiped or lost? And now my friend thinks I showed up at her wedding with my +1, scarfed food and alcohol and bolted w/o so much as a card left?
Do I wait an entire year to ask? Also, this isn’t a friend that I am in constant touch with, so I don’t talk to her every day. We were close years ago when we worked together but now just sort of comment back and forth a bit over FB.
What, if anything should I do?
Post # 3
Could you ask someone else that was at the wedding if they got a thank you note? Maybe this couple didnt send them at all?
Post # 4
@Bostongrl25: That’s a good idea – but unfortunately I did not know any of the other guests there, they had a smallish wedding and I felt honored that she invited me even, since we hadn’t worked together for several years – hence the reason I didn’t know any of the people there. So, I can’t think of any one else I could ask…
Post # 5
I once received a thank you card a year after the wedding… so it could be that the bride didn’t get to it yet.
Post # 6
I would wait a year.. because many people get behind with their thank yous
Post # 7
Some people get behind, or do like my husband did and take the cash out of cards then forget what was in them and don’t bother to write a note for “just a card.” (For the record I wrote on the back of all of them once I caught him swiping cash and everyone got their thank-you!)
So – check with another guest and if they did receive a thank-you already I think it’s ok to ask the bride if they received your gift.
Post # 8
Sorry, but in my opinion, the first thing a bride should do is write the thank you cards to all those that attended. I feel like if i dont have a thank you card 3 months after the event, thats just not right.
Post # 9
@Swizzle: Yeah, I had the three month rule of thumb in the back of my mind all along here. Sure, I know technically they have up to a year, and I could actually see that in some situations – if the couple travels a lot for work, or if they had a HUGE wedding with hundreds of guests…etc.
But based on what I know of my friend, she is very punctual, and very into following proper rules of ettiquette. So I went on the assumption that the thank you note would come in three months. Maybe I will wait three more and then some how broach the subject…
But idk if I even should, I mean if it went missing, it’s gone and then she will feel bad. The other option is it DID go missing and she’s instead thinking I’m a jerk that wasn’t thoughtful enough to even bring a card/gift. 🙁
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I can say as someone who is usually 100% on top of things– right after the wedding, I had planned to have all the thank-you’s done by the end of the honeymoon… we are coming up on a month and I haven’t even started! Give her 6 months at least before you say something– If possible, I like the idea of talking to other guests. And if not, it’s acceptable to ask them how the wedding was, and the honeymoon, and mention that you looked long and hard for the card you gave them because you thought the message was the perfect representation of their love… (or something along those lines) if she looks at you with a blank stare, she didn’t receive the card– if she did get it, and just didn’t get around to sending the note, this gives her a chance to gracefully thank you in the moment.
Post # 11
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
Brides do not have a year. This is a myth. Guests have a year to give a gift, so brides are writing thank yous up to a year later, but you should really thank everyone within a few months of the wedding.
OP, I’d probably call and at some point bring up that you wanted to make sure they got your gift since you never heard anything or got anything.
Post # 12
Can’t you just bring it up to her in a nonconfrontational way? Don’t mention anything about a thank you card, just ask if she’s received it because you want to make sure it wasn’t lost. This may remind her to write thank you cards, but that’s really not your concern.
Post # 13
You could offer to help the bride with her thank-you cards. Call her or drop her an email saying “I know it’s probably been a whirlwind for you and I was thinking of taking some of the work off of your plate, so if you need a hand addressing the envelopes for the thank you cards, invite me over for some wine! It’ll be a great chance for us to spend some time together!”
If she’s not even thoguht of thank-you cards then this lets her correct her social faux pas without feeling like she’s being called out, and if she’s already sent them, she’ll probably reply, which gives you a socially acceptable reason to counter “Oh my goodness, since I hadn’t gotten one, I figured you were just so busy, but now I am worried that my card never made it to you!”
But only do this if you’re really, truly willing to spend an evening with her writing addresses on cards!
Post # 14
I just mailed out my last batch of thank you cards and we got married in May. I really had to sit down and force myself to get them all completed so someone with less diligence I could easily see taking a little longer. Although we would all like to get them out right away I think our pre-married selves significantly underestimate the amount of crazy that still happens after the wedding….I know I did.
I say six months is a good amount to wait. If you don’t hear from the bride by then I would send a quick email or something just to ensure that she actually got the card.
Post # 15
I think you should just ask her if she ever got it…you just want to make sure it didn’t get lost.
I agree the main purpose of a thank you note, aside from the obvious gratitude, is to let the person know you received it.