Post # 1
Before I’m crucified for writing this post, a disclaimer: Many friends and relatives attending our wedding did not get us gifts, and that was fine with us – we were just happy to see them (truthfully). Many guests got us gifts from our registry, and many got us sweet, homemade or thoughtful gifts – all of which we love. We know gifts are not required or even expected from wedding guests.
All that being said… I was in a friend’s wedding a couple months back, and I spent close to $2k to be a bridesmaid. There was the dress, two nights at the hotel for the wedding, destination bachelorette, two showers – one of which I helped plan – and wedding gift. I wasn’t upset about the cost, although I thought it was a little OTT. Anyway, fast forward to a couple weeks back, when I got married. She came to my shower, and brought a gift from the registry, and she and her new husband came to our wedding (which was very DIY and casual – I mention this in case anyone thinks the gift should be in proportion to the amount the couple spends on the wedding – is this possible?!). No gift, no card, nothing from this friend. I know it doesn’t work in a transactional way, and I didn’t expect anything expensive because we’d spent so much on their wedding, but they came empty-handed without any acknowledgement. It stings even more because I haven’t received a thank you card from her showers or wedding.
I’m obviously not going to say anything, and it’s not worth holding a grudge over, but what would you bees do in my shoes? I’m not sure if I’ve done something to upset them – should I ask (but not mention the gift)? She’s been acting totally normal in all other respects, but this is a friend I don’t get to see very often, so I might not know if something had come up.
Any thoughts and feedback welcome, including if you think I’m being overdramatic 🙂
Post # 2
She brought a gift from your registry to your shower, is that not enough? Showers aren’t customary where I am but I have seen a lot of comments here that gifts are not required at both events.
Could she also be upset that she made you a bridesmaid but you didn’t have her as one?
Post # 3
She did bring you a gift. You want two gifts? I don’t think it works that way. I know for me, I will buy a gift off the registry or if there is no registry I give a cash gift, but I certainly don’t give two gifts – even for close friends.
Post # 4
I do find it odd that she did not bring a card to your wedding. There have been weddings where I have given a gift at or around the time of the bridal shower and did not bring a gift (did bring a card) to the wedding. This has been due to the cost of travelling to the wedding (flying, rental car, hotel stay). I really hate the whole giving a gift at the shower and then giving another gift at the wedding.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
You did get a wedding gift from your friend.
Post # 6
Just out of curiousity where are you all from that have responded?
I’m from the northeast US and the standard here is to give a gift off the registry for the shower and everyone gives checks for the wedding gift —averaging at minimum $100 pp for the wedding.
Post # 7
Commenting to add that I didn’t have bridesmaids, so I hope that she wasn’t slighted that she was one!
Where I am from, it is customary to give both a shower gift and a wedding gift. As I mentioned before, many of our guests did not get us wedding gifts – some of whom came to the shower – and that’s totally fine. I’m just confused that I gave her a shower gift, and threw her a shower, and gave her a wedding gift in addition to the above and all the other added expenses, and she didn’t even bring a card to mine.
Post # 8
She got you a gift. Your WEDDING shower is a WEDDING event and a WEDDING shower is a WEDDING gift.
Post # 9
Also adding that this friend is local, so no cost for her to attend our wedding, and the shower was about a month before the wedding – but I don’t think that should have made a difference.
To PP saying a WEDDING shower gift is a WEDDING gift, no, it is not – they are different events, and etiquette is to give one for each. I am not upset the some people got us one or the other – I genuinely am not, and I don’t care about the value of any gifts we received, either – I am just concerned that this is strange behavior from this very traditional friend who clearly knows what is customary in our area given that she went through this just a couple months ago, and got gifts from people at both but hasn’t reciprocated.
Post # 10
If she didn’t give you a thank you card for your gifts, she probably doesn’t know proper gift giving/receiving etiquette. I wouldn’t take it personally, she probably has no idea of her etiquette faux pas. I would just move on.
Post # 11
baygull : if she is the sort that believes a shower gift == no need for wedding gift, the fact you got her both probably wouldnt change her view. she would assume you were being extra generous but, since gifts aren’t tit for tat, wouldn’t feel the need to be extra generous in return. especially if finances are tight after her extravagant wedding.
or she could be miffed she wasn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
or she is a bitch.
or she is cheap.
unfortunately you can’t really figure out what it was without really being rude, so best to assume the best of her (option 1, imo) and move on. if she is upset with you and it was an intentional slight I’m sure it’ll show up in other ways.
Post # 12
Where I’m from too you give a shower gift and a wedding gift. They’re separate. A gift for each event.
Post # 13
Like most of the other pps I’m kind of confused as to why you are dismissing the gift that she gave you at your shower. It was from your registry and it was given at a wedding event. Therefor it is a WEDDING gift. Weddings are not tit for tat. I’m sure if she was a Bridesmaid or Best Man for your wedding she would have helped throw you a shower. You chose to give a separate gift for the shower and the wedding but that’s not customary.
Post # 14
Seems to be a culture difference with respect to the shower gift vs wedding gift issue. In my circle, each is a separate event with a separate gift. Usually showers are where you buy items from registry and the wedding is usually cash or check in a card.
However, I have heard of only a shower gift or only a wedding gift despite being invited to and attending both.
I’d let this go. She got you a gift, so it’s not like she spent nothing on you. Is it worth the friendship to make an issue?
Post # 15
You spent 2k to be in her weddng? 2 dresses etc and She treats you like this? She is full of herself. I would be hurt/pissed too..