Post # 31
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
I’ve seen so many similar posts on WB like this. I’m wondering if people fall into two categories:
1. Those who follow etiquette. I was a poor grad student a few years ago and get that you don’t have to be flush with cash to give a gift. I’ve given framed pictures, bottles of wine, or cute things I found on clearance with a sweet, handwritten card. I was raised to never show up empty handed even if you can’t do as much as you’d like.
2. Those that had weddings and realized so many people don’t follow etiquette. These people treat others they way they are treated, not the way they would like to be treated. If that makes sense.
Post # 32
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
It might be customary where you are to receive two gifts, but you mention she got you something off your registry. Maybe I have low standards, but this seems very nice and thoughtful to me? It’s not as if you received absolutely nothing from your friend in recognition of your wedding.
Idk I just don’t know why this would be on your mind.
Post # 33
Member
13788 posts
Honey Beekeeper
baygull : The shower gift is supposed to be modest, and practical but separate from a wedding gift. As a guest, the guideline is to divide the total amount you want to spend between the two.
Ideally, a wedding gift is sent ahead of the wedding but can be given up to a year later. It’s possible that having just hosted a wedding this couple was financially strapped.
A note or card is the minimum required if one does NOT attend. Otherwise the obligation is to convey well wishes in person.
Your mistake was in spending 2K on anyone.
Post # 34
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
Where are you bees from? From where I’m from in the United States we give a gift for the shower and additional wedding gift/cash , Usually shower gifts are often less than $50 so to give a card at a wedding with cash isn’t really a huge deal to me…
Post # 35
Member
9228 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
So basically you are upset because you spent $2k on her wedding (by your own choice) and she didn’t spend $2k (or close enough) on you. Honestly that sort of tit for tat thinking makes you petty as all get out.
Again I don’t understand why it is ok for others not to gift you but not ok for her. Do you spend your life running a set of books noting what you spent/what someone else spent on gifts so you are always even? Sounds exhausting and a waste of valuable time that could be better spent, like on volunteering.
Post # 36
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
Thanks again to all the bees who provided helpful input – it is more about wanting some level of acknowledgment and involvement from my friend than wanting a dollar value gift (in fact, it’s not about that at all! I would have been thrilled to get a bottle of wine or just a card from her, as another PP mentioned). I had the same feeling after my bachelorette – we went all-out for hers, and mine was very low key and I organized most of it myself. I had a blast but I was a little melancholy that my friends didn’t put in more effort. It was hard not to compare. I definitely think I brought some of it on by having such a laid back, no-frills wedding in general and we did put out the vibe that gifts were not important to us (which is still true). We are, however, very grateful for the gifts we did receive!
In terms of it being my choice to have spent $2k on her wedding, yes and no. Yes, I do have to own the fact that I’m an adult and I swiped my card for each purchase, etc. and I could have opted out of some of the wedding activities. Ultimately though we didn’t know how much it was going to cost up-front (most of that $2k went to non-optional bridesmaid expenses). I’ve never been a bridesmaid before, and I wanted to be a good friend and I definitely didn’t feel like I could say no (nor did I want to say no). I do wonder whether there’s a “cover your plate” line of thinking going on for her which is unfortunate, but oh well. She may also not be aware quite how much we spent on her wedding (we track all our expenses as a couple so it was easy for us to see at a glance – I wasn’t adding up for the sole purpose of comparison). I just would have liked a card or something meaningful from her given the proximity of our events. But, there’s nothing I can do about it so I think you’re all right and the best course of action is to move on – it doesn’t really matter.
To all the bees who think I’m a terrible person and should spend more time volunteering, I think you should spend less time being condescending on the internet, so there ya go! I’m glad I gave you an opportunity to feel superior. We all know nothing about each other here, that’s the nature of the internet, so I’m sorry if I came across as petty but perhaps you should be charitable and give folks the benefit of the doubt. Much like I’ll do with my friend now, having read the responses here 🙂
Post # 37
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
baygull : I would have felt the same way you are feeling. It’s clear that it’s not about the gift but more about the sentiment. I mean, to not even give you a card is really puzzling and poor manners.
There’s really not much you can do unless you are ok with perhaps negatively affecting your friendship.
Post # 38
Member
9576 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
we went to my husband’s friend’s wedding in june. DH has still not given them a gift. i mention it every few weeks to him. normally, i wouldn’t care, it’s his friend. but my husband reconnected with him right before our son was born and he gave us a super generous gift. when we were invited to their wedding, i didn’t want to not give a gift, even though it would not be the same $$ amount. so DH says, he’ll do it, but hasn’t yet.
maybe they are just late giving their gift to you. i’ve been late before sending other wedding gifts, but i usually try to send them within a month or 2.
Post # 39
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee
I disagree about the wedding gift not equaling a shower gift, and she might as well. She got you a gift.
Post # 40
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
I would feel weird about this too, especially after shelling out $2k for her wedding. It may be customary to give two gifts (one for the shower and one for the actual wedding) but maybe she didn’t think so? Shrug. Either way, she *did* get you something from your registry so I feel like that counts for something.
Post # 41
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
baygull : I would feel hurt as well. I am definitely a card person and that sentiment means a lot to me. You were very gracious and generous with her, and it seems odd that she wouldn’t reciprocate that to you. I am not sure what you should do to move forward, but it’s a real bummer that she didn’t give you even a card at your wedding!
Post # 42
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
I grew up in Michigan and still live here and have only been to one wedding shower when I was 13. I know gifts for baby showers and weddings are separate gifts. But I thought a wedding shower was an event for which you specifically give wedding gifts on? I remember my mother giving my cousin a large assortment of various curated spice blends with a spice rack, and I think that was the only gift we offered. Oh, but her wedding shower was also for her fiance.
I just looked up wedding shower, it’s a gift-giving party for the bride-to-be. Specifically for the bride. Well, okay, I guess traditionally she should’ve brought two gifts. And since she had a destination wedding, she must be financially able. Yeah, guess she’s a selfish friend. :/ or completely clueless
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