Post # 1
I have been with my boyfriend almost 7 years, and we have lived together for the past 3 years. He has moved cross country with me and back again. We have never even had a coversation about getting married. He refuses to discuss it. I know he wants to have a future together because we have discussed kids, but marraige, that topic is off limits!
I am really frustrated. I have been waiting for years for him to propose, and do not understand why still in our society that it totally dependent upon the man to decide when to get married.
Recently his best friend got engaged. I told him he should call and congratulate him, but he refused to even acknowledge it. When I pushed him, he said that he does not want to think about growing up! He is 27, it is kind of late for that!
I have always thought that he would be the man that I would spend the rest of my life with. He is very caring, loving and hard working. Is there any advice for someone like me?
I feel like I could spend the next 7 years with him and still have no commitment!
Post # 3
I have friends like that…. they’ve been together FOREVER but still haven’t married.. You need to get down to the reasoning of it. Ask him what’s his issue about not getting married? Did he have a bad past with his parents divorcing? Some people view marriage as just a paper signing that officiates you to share bills.
Truth is.. If by now if he hasn’t proposed the thought of marriage, he ain’t ever going to. Are you OKAY with this? Most women aren’t. But some women are more forgiving in the others’ reason.
Post # 4
@jenuinlee: i think in your case you have to come to terms with marriage not happening.
mistake #1 was not having a discussion early on if marriage was something he wanted. sounds like you found out the hard way it wasnt something he was interested in. now 7 years later you find yourself in a conundrum.
if you can live without marriage i’d say stay. if you cant, well.. theres not many other options. i’d try for one last talk. since verbal confrontation isnt working, try writing him a letter. if he responds negatively then you may want to rethink this relationship..
Post # 5
@jenuinlee: I understand you have been together a long time, but what I’ve said to several gals dating 20-somethings is this: alot of men arent ready to be married that young. And yes, “almost 30” is young!
My BF is 40 and therefore we have several male friends in his age bracket that are not married. They are charming, accomplished, kind men…but arent ready for marriage yet. Some just havent met the right gal, some are too busy with work. But the common denominator is being 30+ and not ready to walk down the aisle. Everyone moves at their own pace and I dont think it’s any negative reflection on their character that they’re taking their time.
I myself dated a man who was 27 when we met and 29 when we broke up. When I asked him about marriage finally, he looked shocked and told me he wasnt “ready” for marriage and wasnt sure if he ever would be. This guy owned his own business and was “established” but still not ready.
Three things you need to consider:
1) he may not be ready because he is only 27.
2) he may not see marriage in his future at this time. He could be perfectly happy dating forever, even with kids.
3) he may not want to marry *you*
Talking to him is the only way to figure this out.
Post # 6
@jenuinlee: You need to do something about this. Yeah he seems like a jerk for refusing to talk about marriage, but on the other hand, why on earth would you stay with a guy for 7 years who refused to discuss something you really want?
It doesn’t sound like it’s even on his radar. My SO and I discussed marriage right from the start. It shouldn’t solely be up to the guy to determine if/when you marry. It’s a mutual decision. It does sound like you want different things out of life, though. You don’t want to force him into something he doesn’t want to do, but he at least owes you a discussion of where he sees your relationship heading.
One thing I’ve learned in life is if a man says something, believe him. You can’t change a person.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
He’s made it pretty darn clear that he is not interested in marriage. Are you okay with building a life together and not being married? There are lots of people who do that, and there is nothing wrong with it. We have friends who live in Denmark and they thought it was strange that we were getting married. They have been a couple for almost a decade and have no intention of ever getting married. Works for them. 🙂
But if marriage does matter to you, you may need to re-think things. Hard to do, but necessary. If it matters to the point where you cannot be fully satisfied in your relationship without marriage, then this relationship may not be the best match for your needs.
Post # 8
@badabing88: im going to have to disagree with yor assessment that men at age 27 arent ready. this is even more suprising being that youre from texas.
marrying late in my neck of the woods is pretty foreign here. a quick look over the bee forums will prove otherwise that men have no trouble commiting in their late 20s.
not to mention stats wise men are usually ‘marriage ready’ by the time they reach their late 20s. the average age a man marries is 28. for women its 26.
I dont think this has anything do with him being 27 and has everything to do with him just not being interested in making a formal commitment. which is fine, but this is something he shouldve let the OP know from the beginning..
unfortunately a discussion shouldve taken place early on over this ssue..
Post # 9
I feel like you have all given me great advice, but I am scared to give him an ultimatum becuase I am fairly confident that he would get married just to make me happy, and that is not what I want. I feel that forcing him to get married is as equally unfair as him not wanting to get married.
I am more afraid of him marrying me and being unhappy because it was not his decision than I am of him breaking up with me if I give him an ultimatum because I love him and ultimately only want him to be happy. Although, I do not feel that his happiness has to be at the expense of mine.
My biggest concern with his lack of committment is that he does not want to do it because it gives him an easy out. I have never suspected him of cheating or even wanting to be with another woman, but is that the reason he does not want to get married, just in case he meets another person?
Am I being to courteous of his feelings or reading too deeply into the situation?
Also, both his parents and my parents are still married, so he does not have any deep-seated skepticism of marriage.
Post # 10
@jenuinlee: some of these questions should be directed at him. put it in writing. we dont know if hes waiting for a better option. from what youve written it could be that he doesnt want marriage. or it could be that he just doesnt want marriage with you.
i would write him your concerns, no need for an ultimatum. let him know your concerns on this issue. sounds like marriage is important to you. i would set an internal timeline for yourself.
if he responds in a negative way, or doesnt respond at all then the ball is in your court..
Post # 11
Thanks for your input. I have felt stuck in my own though process.
I have put all my thoughts on paper which has helped me to organize my thoughts and reassess the situation.
Marriage is not more important than me to my boyfriend. I think that it may have fallen on me to stress the imporantance of marriage to him. At the same time, I do not think that he is the correct person for me if he does not acknowledge my feelings in the situation and share this similar life goal as me.
I really want to have kids and a family, but I would never want to have children with somebody that did not want to marry me, or was not willing to show that level of comittment.
My hope is that it is possible to express my opinions on it to him without complete disregard for his feelings. As my mom who has been happily married for over 30 years always says, it can sometimes be more work to stay married than to get divorced!
Post # 12
@jenuinlee: I’m in a long-term relationship as well, and we had the marriage talk early in our relationship. Like your SO, my boyfriend just didn’t want to get married. When we finished school and started to settle into our respective careers (4 years together at that point), I tried to have the conversation again, and he was still not ready to discuss it.
It wasn’t until we were in our mid-late 20s that it finally became something he could discuss the possibility of. Throughout that time, I had decided that being with him was more important to me than marriage. Whether he would be ready to get legally married or not, I was planning on sticking around. He knew this, and it made him happy that I wasn’t racing to some finish line. It wasn’t until his friends started to get married that he began to come around. Mainly, it was the fact that we were treated differently than people who had been together for much shorter periods of time. My boyfriend isn’t enthusiastic about going to our friends’ weddings, and really dislikes the tradition that it’s wrapped up in. At the same time, he realizes we’re on the same page. When he recently asked me if I still wanted to get married at some point or if I was content remaining in a domestic partnership, I said that the idea of having a “husband” rather than a “significant other” appeals to me. I let him come around to the idea on his own time, and he’ll be the first to say that being someone’s “husband,” even though he’s been playing that role for almost a decade, would have terrified him at 25 or 26.
I think it comes down to whether you can reconcile your wants with his. At some point, he needs to explain to you WHY marriage is such a touchy subject, and you will need to decide whether that reasoning is something you can live with, or not. Is marrying someone more important to you than being with your current SO? Do you think marriage is the ultimate commitment? The lines of communication need to be opened between the two of you so you can see if you’re on the same page.
When my SO said that in his mind, he was already 100% commited with no doubts, I realized that I didn’t need the piece of paper and white dress. However, if marriage had always been my end goal, and something I could never be fully happy without, I would have made that abundandly clear. No games, no euphamisms, but rather, a confident assertion of my wants.
Post # 13
I never understood how men could talk babies with their gf and not want to marry them. This is the future mother of your children!
I dunno, if he refuses to talk about marriage, I just don’t know if he will change his tune anytime soon. I guess society does “expect” the man to propose, but in this situation, I feel like you’d be forcing him into mariage since he just doesn’t seem open to the idea. 27 does seem young to me to be engaged, my fiance proposed when he was 30, but he should at least know if he’d like to get married to you after all these years together.
Post # 14
@jenuinlee: That’s not fair to you whatsoever. Your life has to go on with or without him. Its either he sits down like an adult and discuss with you your future, or keep it pushing. And honestly, do you think he will not think like that once he’s married? If he’s stubborn now, he will likely be the same way once he’s married. If he wasn’t ready for a commitment, he should have told you that. Its not just about him. That’s a Diva move on his part!!! 7 years is A LONG TIME to NOT KNOW where its all going to end up. Smh And for him to have THE AUDACITY to say he doesn’t want to discuss “growing up” tells me his mindset altogether.
Post # 15
@NickiBee: she didn’t say ALL men at age 27 aren’t ready for marriage, but I do think there are a good amount of men at that age not ready. I specifically know one guy who told his Girlfriend he set his mind on being 30 before proposing. I think some of it has to do with mentally being in their 20’s and the fact that many people in their 20’s aren’t established and feel like they should be before marriage. Definitely not all though….
Post # 16
@memo: i didnt say that she said ALL. She specifically said towards the end of her post that one of the reasons he isnt interested is because hes 27. most of her post seemed to tie in age as the factor here for the OP.
and i never said ALL men in their late 20s are ready, i said the AVERAGE male does marry in their late 20s.