(Closed) No wedding in sight

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I have friends like that…. they’ve been together FOREVER but still haven’t married.. You need to get down to the reasoning of it. Ask him what’s his issue about not getting married? Did he have a bad past with his parents divorcing? Some people view marriage as just a paper signing that officiates you to share bills.

Truth is.. If by now if he hasn’t proposed the thought of marriage, he ain’t ever going to. Are you OKAY with this? Most women aren’t. But some women are more forgiving in the others’ reason.

Post # 4
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

@jenuinlee:  i think in your case you have to come to terms with marriage not happening.

 

mistake #1 was not having a discussion early on if marriage was something he wanted. sounds like you found out the hard way it wasnt something he was interested in. now 7 years later you find yourself in a conundrum.

 

if you can live without marriage i’d say stay. if you cant, well.. theres not many other options. i’d try for one last talk. since verbal confrontation isnt working, try writing him a letter. if he responds negatively then you may want to rethink this relationship..

 

Post # 5
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@jenuinlee:  I understand you have been together a long time, but what I’ve said to several gals dating 20-somethings is this: alot of men arent ready to be married that young.  And yes, “almost 30” is young!

 

 

My Boyfriend or Best Friend is 40 and therefore we have several male friends in his age bracket that are not married. They are charming, accomplished, kind men…but arent ready for marriage yet.  Some just havent met the right gal, some are too busy with work. But the common denominator is being 30+ and not ready to walk down the aisle. Everyone moves at their own pace and I dont think it’s any negative reflection on their character that they’re taking their time.

 

 

I myself dated a man who was 27 when we met and 29 when we broke up. When I asked him about marriage finally, he looked shocked and told me he wasnt “ready” for marriage and wasnt sure if he ever would be. This guy owned his own business and was “established” but still not ready.

 

 

 

Three things you need to consider:

1) he may not be ready because he is only 27.

2) he may not see marriage in his future at this time. He could be perfectly happy dating forever, even with kids.

3) he may not want to marry *you*

 

Talking to him is the only way to figure this out.

 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@jenuinlee:  You need to do something about this. Yeah he seems like a jerk for refusing to talk about marriage, but on the other hand, why on earth would you stay with a guy for 7 years who refused to discuss something you really want?

It doesn’t sound like it’s even on his radar. My SO and I discussed marriage right from the start. It shouldn’t solely be up to the guy to determine if/when you marry. It’s a mutual decision. It does sound like you want different things out of life, though. You don’t want to force him into something he doesn’t want to do, but he at least owes you a discussion of where he sees your relationship heading.

One thing I’ve learned in life is if a man says something, believe him. You can’t change a person.

Post # 7
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

He’s made it pretty darn clear that he is not interested in marriage. Are you okay with building a life together and not being married? There are lots of people who do that, and there is nothing wrong with it. We have friends who live in Denmark and they thought it was strange that we were getting married. They have been a couple for almost a decade and have no intention of ever getting married. Works for them. 🙂

But if marriage does matter to you, you may need to re-think things. Hard to do, but necessary. If it matters to the point where you cannot be fully satisfied in your relationship without marriage, then this relationship may not be the best match for your needs.

Post # 8
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

@badabing88:  im going to have to disagree with yor assessment that men at age 27 arent ready. this is even more suprising being that youre from texas.

 

marrying late in my neck of the woods is pretty foreign here. a quick look over the bee forums will prove otherwise that men have no trouble commiting in their late 20s.

 

not to mention stats wise men are usually ‘marriage ready’ by the time they reach their late 20s. the average age a man marries is 28. for women its 26.

 

I dont think this has anything do with him being 27 and has everything to do with him just not being interested in making a formal commitment. which is fine, but this is something he shouldve let the OP know from the beginning..

 

unfortunately a discussion shouldve taken place early on over this ssue.. 

 

Post # 10
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

@jenuinlee:  some of these questions should be directed at him. put it in writing. we dont know if hes waiting for a better option. from what youve written it could be that he doesnt want marriage. or it could be that he just doesnt want marriage with you.

 

i would write him your concerns, no need for an ultimatum. let him know your concerns on this issue. sounds like marriage is important to you. i would set an internal timeline for yourself.

 

if he responds in a negative way, or doesnt respond at all then the ball is in your court..

 

Post # 12
Member
3215 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@jenuinlee: I’m in a long-term relationship as well, and we had the marriage talk early in our relationship. Like your SO, my boyfriend just didn’t want to get married. When we finished school and started to settle into our respective careers (4 years together at that point), I tried to have the conversation again, and he was still not ready to discuss it. 

 

It wasn’t until we were in our mid-late 20s that it finally became something he could discuss the possibility of. Throughout that time, I had decided that being with him was more important to me than marriage. Whether he would be ready to get legally married or not, I was planning on sticking around. He knew this, and it made him happy that I wasn’t racing to some finish line. It wasn’t until his friends started to get married that he began to come around. Mainly, it was the fact that we were treated differently than people who had been together for much shorter periods of time. My boyfriend isn’t enthusiastic about going to our friends’ weddings, and really dislikes the tradition that it’s wrapped up in. At the same time, he realizes we’re on the same page. When he recently asked me if I still wanted to get married at some point or if I was content remaining in a domestic partnership, I said that the idea of having a “husband” rather than a “significant other” appeals to me. I let him come around to the idea on his own time, and he’ll be the first to say that being someone’s “husband,” even though he’s been playing that role for almost a decade, would have terrified him at 25 or 26. 

 

I think it comes down to whether you can reconcile your wants with his. At some point, he needs to explain to you WHY marriage is such a touchy subject, and you will need to decide whether that reasoning is something you can live with, or not. Is marrying someone more important to you than being with your current SO? Do you think marriage is the ultimate commitment? The lines of communication need to be opened between the two of you so you can see if you’re on the same page.

 

When my SO said that in his mind, he was already 100% commited with no doubts, I realized that I didn’t need the piece of paper and white dress. However, if marriage had always been my end goal, and something I could never be fully happy without, I would have made that abundandly clear. No games, no euphamisms, but rather, a confident assertion of my wants.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

I never understood how men could talk babies with their gf and not want to marry them.  This is the future mother of your children!

I dunno, if he refuses to talk about marriage, I just don’t know if he will change his tune anytime soon.  I guess society does “expect” the man to propose, but in this situation, I feel like you’d be forcing him into mariage since he just doesn’t seem open to the idea.  27 does seem young to me to be engaged, my fiance proposed when he was 30, but he should at least know if he’d like to get married to you after all these years together.

Good luck

Post # 14
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

@jenuinlee:  That’s not fair to you whatsoever. Your life has to go on with or without him. Its either he sits down like an adult and discuss with you your future, or keep it pushing. And honestly, do you think he will not think like that once he’s married? If he’s stubborn now, he will likely be the same way once he’s married. If he wasn’t ready for a commitment, he should have told you that. Its not just about him. That’s a Diva move on his part!!! 7 years is A LONG TIME to NOT KNOW where its all going to end up. Smh And for him to have THE AUDACITY to say he doesn’t want to discuss “growing up” tells me his mindset altogether. 

Post # 15
Member
1541 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@NickiBee:  she didn’t say ALL men at age 27 aren’t ready for marriage, but I do think there are a good amount of men at that age not ready. I specifically know one guy who told his Girlfriend he set his mind on being 30 before proposing. I think some of it has to do with mentally being in their 20’s and the fact that many people in their 20’s aren’t established and feel like they should be before marriage. Definitely not all though….

Post # 16
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

@memo:  i didnt say that she said ALL. She specifically said towards the end of her post that one of the reasons he isnt interested is because hes 27. most of her post seemed to tie in age as the factor here for the OP.

and i never said ALL men in their late 20s are ready, i said the AVERAGE male does marry in their late 20s. 

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