(Closed) No wedding in sight

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@jenuinlee:  I have been in a very similar situation, so hopefully my experience will help.

 

You need to sit down and talk with him. I did this at around the 5-6 year mark after floating for ages, and discovered that he wasn’t ready for marriage. He also wasn’t sure if he would ever want marriage and kids due to traumatic experiences with his parents divorcing, etc. I never gave him an “ultimatum”, per se, but I did make clear that kids were important to me and if he didn’t see them in his future he needed to be honest about it, because it was a deal-breaker for me. I also told him that the security of marriage was very important to me if we were going to be having kids together (especially since we were planning to move overseas together). I never got angry or nagged about it, but I did make clear that if we wanted different things we wouldn’t be able to be together long term.

 

At that point we agreed to go to couples counselling, and it was extremely useful in clarifying what we both wanted and what his issues were with marriage and kids. Nonetheless he still wasn’t sure, so I told him that I wouldn’t be moving overseas with him because it was a step too far without a commitment. We were apart for about a year in what was technically a long distance relationship but veered very close to a total break-up at one point (we agreed that we could both see other people if we wanted to).

 

We both came to the conclusion that we didn’t actually want to be with anyone else, and he said that he had changed his mind about marriage and kids so I moved overseas with him. After that point he told me to leave it to him, he would “sort it out”. Yep, didn’t happen. A year and a half later I had a major blowup at him since I was getting tired of waiting, and he confessed that he was having trouble choosing a ring, etc. since he felt it had to be SUPER AMAZING since I’d been waiting so long. Still not sure if that was another delaying tactic, but oh well, it all worked out in the end. 😛 So we finally went ring shopping and picked something out. Now we’re getting married in two months, he’s super excited about it and can’t stop talking about “our wedding” and “our kids”, and finally, everything is great. It is like a giant weight has been lifted off my heart.

 

The point of this long ramble is to let you know that the conversation is only the start of the process, and it can be a long one. So you really need to have this discussion with him and find out where he is at, and also let him know what you want out of life. It will take time for him to come around, if he ever does, and the sooner you start the process the sooner you can get yourself out of waiting purgatory. Also, if you do want different things, the longer you leave it the more painful it is going to be to say goodbye and the less chance you will have of finding someone else and being able to have kids with them. You don’t need to nag and give an ultimatum in order to be honest about your life goals with the person who you hope to achieve those goals with.

I also think it is important for him to realise that marriage is not “just a piece of paper”, it confers very important social, legal and financial benefits to both of you in case something happens. If you want tax advantages, you have to get married. If you ever want to move overseas, you (probably) have to get married. If you want to safely travel in certain countries, you have to get married. If you want government benefits if one of you dies (god forbid), you have to get married. If you want to have a say in end of life decisions, you either get married or go through another complicated legal process. And if you want to have kids, it confers certain advantages on them for you to be married. So if you do decide you’re happy to forgo marriage, make sure you consult with a lawyer to find out how to protect yourself without the easy parcel of benefits that marriage offers.

Post # 18
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@jenuinelee .. “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”

Post # 19
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

@jenuinlee:  “I am really frustrated. I have been waiting for years for him to propose, and do not understand why still in our society that it totally dependent upon the man to decide when to get married.”

 

Agreed!!!! I hate this.

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