Post # 1
I have two friends who are very important to me but are not in my wedding. As much as I care about them and enjoy being with them, I have grown much closer over the years to the girls in my bridal party.
To these “non-bridesmaid” friends, the fact that they’re not in my wedding might come as a shock because they always consider us to be “best friends.” Again, I think they’re wonderful but I really feel confident in picking my closest friends/family as bridesmaids.
I’m thinking about writing these women a letter, just to let them know I really do value their friendship but that I have grown closer to the ladies in my bridal party. I don’t want to lose their friendship, and I hope they know that they’re very special to me. The decision was a difficult one!
Do you think this could come across the wrong way? I want them to feel genuinely valued because they are. I don’t want to feel pitied.
Do you think I should write them a letter? How would you feel? If you think I should write the letter, what should it say?
Also, I’m out of state so face-to-face might not work and I’m not a fan of a phone conversation for this. I’d rather carefully write a letter so I tell them thoughtfully and meaningfully that I care for them.
Any advice would be appreciated!
Post # 3
Have you thought of asking them doing a reading or song at your wedding? I wouldn’t tell a person why I didn’t pick them unless they asked though.
Post # 4
Unfortunately, I already have singers and readers…
Post # 5
There are other ways you can “honor” them, consider a day of helper (basically there to make sure you stay sane!), cake cutting, someone to stand at the gift table and make sure cards are taped to gifts (totally helps, TRUST me!). I think you should find some sort of job for them to do, even if you make it up (totally did that myself w/the gift table and it worked out great!) just like you said, a letter might help letting them know that you find their friendship very important and how much you want them there. I hope that makes sense/helps!
Post # 6
If I thought I was a bridesmaid in someones wedding and found out I wasn’t, I might feel disappointed or maybe a little hurt but if someone wrote me a letter telling me why I wasn’t a bridesmaid, it might ruin the friendship. Maybe they don’t expect to be bridesmaids afterall so unless they ask, I would not say anything to them.
Post # 7
Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up unless asked. Kinda a “let sleeping dogs lay” type thing. People don’t (or at least shouldn’t) expect to be part of a bridal party. It’s the bride’s choice and if you aren’t picked, there’s usually a good reason for it.
If they ask, THEN I could tell them about it. Maybe you could call each up and ask them, personally, over the phone to come to the wedding. You can tell them everything you’ve just said and leave out the “you aren’t part of the party” part. IF they ask, then you can tell.
That’s just me, though……
Post # 8
I agree with you. I think it’s a bad idea to tell them you’ve grown closer to your current bridesmaids.
Post # 9
I have a friend in exactly this position, and she confronted me on several occassions about why she was not a bridesmaid. In her case, it was easy “you are a great friend but you DO NOT support this relationship, and did some hurtful things to keep me from it.”
I had to talk her down a few times, and she almost cried a few times. She is important to me, but I can’t hear the negative things she said echo in my head when I’m under the chuppah. So, she’s a greeter. She’s helping people know where to go and generally saying “hi, welcome!” to everyone. She is very happy about this, and it gives her an honor without having her stand up there during the ceremony.
I know your situation is different, but if you are still close and she is that needy, you can find something to put her in charge of. Give her any kind of honor, you can even create a new one.
EDIT: Do not write a letter, that will hurt her worse. This one you have to discuss in person or over the phone even though you said you don’t want to/can’t do that.
If they don’t bring it up, just sending them greeting cards on holidays (sometimes I send St. Patrick’s day cards) with how much they mean to you would be fine. Don’t mention the wedding.
If they bring it up, then you can talk about it. And be very very gentle. But also don’t let them force you into adding them to the bridal party.
Post # 10
Definitely do not bring it up.
#1 it supposes that they REALLY want to be in your wedding(being a Bridesmaid or Best Man kinda sucks, IMO, and I would be happy to not be asked)
#2 it could sound like you think they are thinking of you as a BFF, and yet you have kind of moved on. (like they want to be your friend more then you want to be theirs)
#3 it is a focus on negative, why I didn’t pick you
But that being said, it is always nice to receive a letter telling you that your rock, and that a friend really cares about you. I just wouldn’t focus on the why you didn’t pick them, or anything about your wedding really.
Post # 11
One of my good friends isn’t in the wedding but is playing the role of the consultant. She loves decorating and is so excited to feel like she has an important role. Can they do something like that?
I think the letter is a good thought, but in reality, it may make them feel more hurt. I would play it all by ear. Write it out, have your thoughts gathered, and then be prepared to explain if one of them seems hurt.
Post # 12
I’ve been in this situation before, but I’m not the kind of person be be upset about this–it’s all about the bride and her decisions! That being said, my friend ended up asking me to be her “day-of coordinator”. Of course I said yes, because I wanted to help my friend, but I personally would never want to do this to my friends. It was a long day of working and making things run smoothly, with no thanks. I was happy to help out my friend, but there were a lot of awkward parts. For example, I was the only non-bridesmaid female at the rehearsal dinner who sat with the girls (it wasn’t really awkward until they were all opening their bridesmaid gifts). I also didnt get to enjoy my friend’s wedding, as I was always doing the background work (literally working–making phone calls, setting things up, making sure people were in the right places).
I didnt expect anything in return for what I did for my friend, but even offering to take me out or offering a small gift would have been nice (maybe that’s a cultural thing?). Anyways, if you decide to ask your friends to help, I would just warn that this could actually make them feel used rather than appreciated, so tread lightly!
Post # 13
I told my friends this exactly.. I have a group of close girlfriends but could choose only 3 of them to be in the wedding party.. i explained how much i loved them but couldn’t have all of them.. one of them is religious and will be doing a reading, another is being a ‘hostess’ (female usher), the others aren’t standing up and it doesn’t really matter to them, they still get to take part in all the fun!
Post # 14
Even though I intended to show them how much I value them by giving them the notes, I understand that it might actually make them feel worse! Thank you for helping me avoid this mistake! I don’t want to hurt them!
Post # 15
If they are truly hurt, they’ll probably ask. But if you feel compelled to explain yourself in some way, I would make the approach more casual. A letter just seems very formal to me and a little odd. If I received a letter from a friend that excluded me from her wedding party, I think it would just be salt in the wound. Perhaps during a conversation you could tell each girl that you really wish you could have a larger wedding party because you would have loved to have her. If they ask you directly, be honest but gentle. Tell them that they live far away, you guys don’t hang out as much anymore, and while they are great friends you could only choose a limited number of bridesmaids. Unless you promised them previously that they’d be in your wedding, they really can’t be mad.
Also, I agree that you should try to find something for them to do. What about ushers?
Post # 16
@Mrs Scott to be:
I agree with you and brenna, I think it would be a idea to tell them how she is closer to the people in her wedding party than them because they could end feeling like they weren’t good enough friends.
I think maybe find ways for them help with the wedding in some way like someone else mentioned.