Non-monogamous bee here! Ask me anything :-)

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
816 posts
Busy bee

I would love to be able to do this, in a way I feel it’s healthy but I know 100% I would NEVER be okay with my fiancé being intimate (or even going out to dinner 1 in 1) with anyone other than me. I commend you for having the self confidence! 

 

Do you discuss who becomes a secondary before you do anything together? And do you always know what the secondaries look like?

 

 

Post # 32
Member
549 posts
Busy bee

 

manylovesbee :  Thank you Bee, for your articulate and patient explanations, so happy to have you rep for me! And you explained perfectly, the emotional paradox of being completely open and having solid boundaries. I’m a Hotwife, similar lifestyle but different “relationship” model. 

I tried to explain a couple of times what it felt like to be in a relationship like mine on here once or twice, but I wasn’t conveying it right, I just sounded smutty lol. When I give a very condensed abridged version of what we do “it’s just like any other time you indulge in whatever sexual kink or fantasy you have. We don’t do it everytime, but it’s exciting when we do. “

We definitely don’t live this way just to push buttons or flout convention, so we keep it on the DL. Totally understand that people would be curious but remember (unless it’s an AMA) what you’re asking people in real life is deeply personal, and there might be some resistance in opening up. Like discussing in depth your own sexual activity, it’s not because of any shame.  It’s a small fraction of our relationship together, but I’m glad it’s becoming more understood thanks to people like OP articulating so well, how normal and healthy it can be despite the scandal of its name

Post # 34
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

While I don’t think I could be in a non-monogamous relationship I find this so interesting! So what do you and your primary define as cheating? How do you discuss sex and crossing boundaries with your primary vs. your secondary(ies)? What would you do or how would you handle it if a secondary was jealous of the primary? 

Post # 36
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

manylovesbee :  Thank you for the detailed answer! And I guess not just sexual boundaries, anything that you do with your fiancé that you wouldn’t do with a secondary and vice versa I guess. So if your secondary was into something that your primary wasn’t into but you don’t mind doing it or not doing it or something along those lines, sexual or not! For instance if one of your partners wanted you to go sky diving with them but the other wasn’t into it and would prefer you didn’t go, how would you go about handling that? Sorry if I made it confusing I was trying to think of how to word it and I still did it badly lol. 

Post # 38
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

manylovesbee :  You absolutely should! We ventured into open play because of a kink mismatch- as much as Darling Husband and I love each other and indulge each other’s kinks we do not share many kinks. But hey! Plenty of fish in the casual sea! These days we dont go to many public events since we’ve found a nice little community to party with a few times a year ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 39
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Such an interesting thread! Thanks for sharing your experiences.

My question is, how do you diffferentiate your love to your Fiance from your love to your boyfriend? Like, how do you know that your Fiance is the one you love the most, the one you want to marry, and not your boyfriend?

Post # 41
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

How do you find a secondary to date? I assume it is similar to regular dating, but is it harder to find someone or do you have to approach it differently at all? At what point do you tell the secondary that you have a primary relationship (before the first date, during the first date, etc)? 

Post # 43
Member
2102 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Fascinating, thank you for posting!  I don’t *think* you’ve answered this already, but apologies if you did.  Do you worry about one or the other of you actually falling in love with a secondary?  Do you have a rule in place about cutting things off if you find yourself developing strong feelings for a secondary?

I know a couple people who were in situations like this, and one or the other actually ended up falling for one of the play partners and it broke up their marriage.  That seems like the biggest hazard in this situation, given how dating and/or sex can further those feelings.  Or even given how an emotional affair / falling in love happens not infrequently with close friends of the opposite sex.

Post # 45
Member
2102 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

manylovesbee :  That’s a great perspective.  I hope this relationship model does continue to get you all the benefits and minimal or no drawbacks!

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