Post # 1
So, I currently have 3 BMs – a high school friend, my Future Sister-In-Law and my cousin – and a Maid/Matron of Honor. My Maid/Matron of Honor, Future Sister-In-Law and cousin have all been extremely responsive to anything that’s sent out, but my HS friend hasn’t replied to anything since an introduction e-mail in October. We’re currently trying to organize ordering the dresses at the same time so that they’re in the same dye lot and that we have them all for April (when Future Sister-In-Law is in town visiting for Passover), and she hasn’t responded to any form of contact. Both my Maid/Matron of Honor and I have tried e-mailing, FBing, texting, and calling, and we haven’t heard anything.
This isn’t new behaviour, however she seemed to have grown out of it since HS, which was why I felt comfortable asking her. I can understand that maybe it seems like more than she originally assumed (although, TBH, all I asked of them so far was to purchase a dress which she verbally said was an OK price range when I initially asked her).
So, I want to give her an out, but I don’t know how to write it without sounding like I’m kicking her out or accusing her of anything, because I would like to keep our friendship. Any thoughts on the best way to word this?
Post # 3
@pocketfox: Call or email her and say something like:
Hey Flakey, its me. Maid/Matron of Honor and I have been trying to get in touch with you about ordering the BM’s dresses. I hate to be a pest but I will be placing the order by (date). If I don’t hear from you by then, I will assume that being part of the bridal party isn’t possible for you anymore. I still want you to stand up with me but want you to know I totally understand if you can’t. hope everything is okay and that we’ll talk soon.”
Post # 4
@Zhabeego: +1 that’s all You have to say. Now the ball is in her court. Good luck.
Post # 5
@pocketfox: I had the exact same thing happen with one of my HS friends. The way I handled it was by giving her a phone call and asking her, in a non-confrontational way, “Do you think you might have too much going on right now to be able to be in my wedding?” I went on to say that I couldn’t imagine having 2 kids, school, blah blah, and also making time for the wedding. And that if she needed to step down, I totally understood.
I could hear in her voice that she was shocked and a little hurt that I was implying that she shouldn’t be in the wedding anymore, but once those emotions subsided, she agree that it probably wasn’t a good time for her to make that kind of commitment. After a couple of awkward days passed, we continued being friends like normal. And now… if anyone asks her, she says “she” decided to step down because of so many things going on. I love that she saves face by saying that it was her idea (even though it totally wasn’t). 🙂
Hope it all works out for you!
Post # 6
Thank you for the advice! I’m going to contact her tonight about it. I don’t know if I’ll call, as she seems to have been ducking mine and MOH’s phone calls and I’d rather not leave it in a VM, but I will contact her some way.
Post # 7
I would call her. Call a few times. I would say along the lines of .. .things for the wedding are coming up and it’s going to start getting busy. Do you still want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man or would you have more fun or a better time being a guest or a reader at the wedding?
If you don’t get her or a return phone call, then I’d email her. That way you did all you could to reach out to her. If you just send her an email demoting her, the friendship would be pretty much over.
Post # 8
@Zhabeego: +1 perfect response.
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Have you tried reaching out to her in a way that isn’t about the wedding? Maybe she’s being flaky or intentionally distant. Always good possibilities. But there could be something going on with her. I think that is where I would start. Is she okay? What’s going on in her life? Anything you can help with? If you still get absolutely nowhere, then PP’s suggestion re. this is the date we are ordering dresses, etc. will probably be the best way to go about things.
Post # 10
I would definitely speak to her- the sooner the better.
A non confrontational approach is best and perhaps let her know that if the wedding is too much for her, that you are ok with her stepping down.
It is so important to get this straightened out because the further this goes on, the more difficult things will be.
Post # 11
@lovekiss: My MoH and I tried setting up brunch or drinks with her (this was a fairly regular thing before) but we didn’t hear anything. She’s been fairly non-responsive in general, but she hasn’t seemed out of the norm for her.
@HisIrishPrincess: No matter how I contact her, I wouldn’t be just demoting her. I want to leave the choice up to her. Unfortunately, the only thing we could have readers do in our wedding would involve the ability to speak Hebrew (traditional Jewish wedding) so we’re leaving that up to the rabbi and cantor.
I was talking to my MoH a bit about this, since she brought it up initially, and she wants to try calling one more time tonight. If she doesn’t get through, then I’m going to try talking to her.
Wish me luck!
Post # 12
So, I called her multiple times and she never answered my calls. Since she didn’t answer after a week of calls, I decided to e-mail her. Still no reply. So, just to make sure, I sent her a text asking if she saw my e-mail. Still no reply. I take that as she’s out and won’t say anything. I’m sending my ladies an e-mail today about the dresses and I wanted to mention we’re down to three but I’m just thinking of the wording. Any suggestions on the best way to do this?
Post # 13
@pocketfox: I would be honest with your bridal party and say that due to the unresponsiveness of the other Bridesmaid or Best Man, that the bridal party is now down to three. You don’t need to go into a detailed explanation, but if they ask, I would be honest with them. It’s not your fault she hasn’t responded, so I’m sure your bridal party won’t think it’s you being a bridezilla of any sort. Also in the email, I would reiterate how much their support and having them in your bridal party means to you.
It will be fine, I’m sure. I kind of wish I threw out a bridesmaid before my wedding, so I give you kudos for actually doing it. Now I’m stuck with her and her family in my wedding photos, and it doesn’t exactly evoke great memories for me (long story, I won’t get into it).
Post # 14
@Gingerlocks: Thank you for the advice! I changed up the wording slightly, but basically used what you wrote. I think my other 2 BMs will be able to figure it out, as she’s the only one who’s never replied on any of the group e-mails, and as stated in the thread, my Maid/Matron of Honor is VERY aware of the situation herself. I really didn’t want to have to go on the assumption she’s not in anymore, but I don’t really have any other choice if she’s not going to tell me.