Post # 1
I’ve been a longtime lurker and just decided to finally post my story. I’ve noticed with my engagement, just HOW engrained tradition is–and how quickly people fly with judgments and social expectations. I knew what I wanted from my life since the beginning–and now that I’m following through with it, I find that it’s hard to not feel bad when you’ve got outside folks telling you otherwise because of XYZ tradition(s). Case and point:
1) My family is Catholic…my family is also LARGE. My wanting a small, intimiate, non-religious wedding ruffled some feathers…but I am sticking to my guns. My wedding will be focusing on two families joining as one and everyone else will be invited in a casual party the weekend later.
2) I do not want an engagement ring. I don’t think it is practical for us to spend on that AND a band when in reality, I’m just going to wear the band because it’s practical. I wanted a simple band and he insisted it needs to be an eternity blingy band ‘or people will think he’s lame’. People ask me all the time where my ring is…I’m starting to kind of feel bad about it but once I get my band, I will wear it as my e-ring and wedding ring to deter this feeling…I’ll just end up having to explain to folks that my ring will serve as both.
3) There was no ‘proposal story’ and I cannot begin to tell you how many have asked us–including children. He and I both agreed we would like to get married, there was no need to ask…so if you’re on the same boat, don’t feel bad about it. Everyone asking made my Fiance feel really awful he didn’t have one to share, it made him feel like he did something wrong.
So if you didn’t fall into the traditional route–don’t fret ladies and don’t let the snide judgmental comments you might get here and there make you feel awful for being you.
Please share your off-the-beaten-track experiences! Would love to hear them!
Post # 3
No proposal story here either. I don’t like surprises anyway. Other than that…
1) Long engagement. Long enough that his grandmother asked why we weren’t actively planning or married already when we went for xmas 2011. We decided in April of 2011 that we wanted to get married. Our wedding is this June.
2) Sunday wedding. My mom’s 2 requests in this whole thing are good desserts and that we NOT pick a Saturday…which I’m fine with; Sunday is the cheapest anyway (and the month wasn’t really negotiable, so height of wedding season…if we can save on that part of it, that’s great). It’ll probably frustrate some people, especially as it’s in the morning with a lunch reception. It’s not going to be a religious ceremony.
3) No dancing. No bouquet toss, No garter toss. I hope people aren’t expecting a raging dance party at…lunchtime on a Sunday. Pretty sure the only reception tradition we’re keeping is the cake cutting, and that’s more because Fiance is adamant about cake than anything else. It’d be neat to cover the tables with paper and give people crayons…
Post # 4
1.No bridal party.
2.I refuse to wear a dress with a train, a veil, and a tiara.
3.No father daughter dance and I’ll also walk down the aisle without him. I have no issue with my fiance dancing with his mom if they want tp.
4.Long engagement. We might change our minds on this one but I’ve always wanted to be engaged for at least 6 years. We have been engaged for 3 years
5.We both love d&d so instead of doing unity candles we plan on mixing two sets of dice in a vase.
6.No wedding band for me. My engagement ring is all I want.
Post # 5
Lots of things we’re doing weird, but probably the top 3 most obvious:
1. Extremely atheist, self-uniting
2. Veerrrry small wedding thousands of miles from where we live
3. Non white non dress.
Post # 6
Guys, I could really do with some non-traditional support. My problem is that I wanted a religious wedding, but NOT a traditional one. My priorities were:
1. Religious service
2. Hospitality to guests… not too hot, not too cold, plenty to eat and drink, nice food and drink etc
Everything else is just STUFF. But it’s stuff that people really care about. Why do they care? I just don’t get it. Also, I’m getting loads of stick for keeping my name, not being given away, not wanting real flowers in my bouquet, making my own evening buffet, and making my own cake. Some of my relatives who I thought were so modern were scandalised when I said I was keeping my name. One of them even said “can you do that if you get married in a church?”
So if you want to start a support group… count me in!
Post # 7
1. Simple proposal for us, I got home from school and he asked in our apartment. His mother was mad that he didn’t “take me out to a nice restuarant and ask” but we aren’t showy people. Also people seemed a bit underwhelmed when they propelled me with “how’d he propose!?!” which I was dreading.
2. I don’t want any bridesmaids. But he wants 5 groomsmen, we’re working on figuring out, it’s no big deal to me but I don’t feel particularly close to 5 girls.
3. I want a really small wedding this summer, not in our country. I have a massive family (over 50 first cousins on my mothers side alone) and everyone wants to come and they want me to wait until next year so they can “can save to go to the wedding”. Yikes.
4. I don’t want any of the stuff @rbabynorton listed either (garter toss, bouquet, etc).
5. We are debating getting pregnant and having a baby before wedding (which would end up pushing our wedding, so I guess people would be able to save money to come – ha. ha.).
That was fun to just write down, wonderful thread!
Post # 8
@Rachel631: I agree! People are pestering me with questions of what flowers, who’s standing, what are my colors, what the heck?! I don’t care about that stuff haha. Mainly i just care about becoming married, enjoying it with the mister, and having some people to eat and celebrate a little.
Post # 9
I appreciate this post. While I am planning on going traditional in many ways, I think it’s important to remind myself that I am making these choices and that everything is negotiable.
Post # 10
1. I too have a large family, and paid for a destination wedding in order to have the small intimate wedding that I wanted. Ruffled a lot of feathers with that one, especially since most of my friends only found out I was even engaged, after I got married.
2. Non-religious wedding. There was no mentioning of God or any sort of religious blessing. NOT my thing.
3. My reception dinner had no theme, no colors, no centerpieces, no cake, no dancing, no games, no DJ, nothing. Just everyone sitting down at one table, ordering their own food, and I paid for it with my credit card when the bill came.
Post # 11
1) Picked out my rings together. He wanted to surprise me, I wanted to have a say in what I was going to be wearing for the rest of my life.
2) Choosing to wear three wedding bands vs. a traditional band and engagement ring.
3) We both know we want to get married, therefore I didn’t want a proposal. He wants to propose (which I admit is very sweet of him), but I still don’t think it’s fair that HE gets to be the only one to choose when we start our engagement.
4) I want to elope – just the two of us. He wants to invite family and have a small traditional wedding. We are trying to decide how to compromise.
5) I will not be wearing a white wedding dress.
6) I DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE MY LAST NAME. This one is giving us a lot of grief.
Post # 12
What a great thread! So refreshing.
1. No bling diamond ring…just a sapphire.
2. No bridesmaids!
3. Small, family only ceremony. No dancing, just eating!
4. No Facebook minute-by-minute countdown to getting married..actually, no relationship status update at all.
5. no engagement party, no bachelorette…just ONE day: the wedding
So happy to have this thread. I’m so tired of people saying it’s “my day” and then offer critiques and judgments.
Post # 13
My wedding was traditional in many respects and taboo in others.
1. I insisted on no engagement party, bridal shower or bachelorette party. We were young; I wasn’t about to make my friends who had student debt spend oodles of time/money on me just because I was choosing to get married–one celebration was enough.
2. Had ceremony/reception on a Wednesday evening.
3. Slept with groom the night before (we were already living together, so figured it wasn’t a big deal)
4. Groom was actually present to help me pick the dress, since his sister (accompanied by her SO, mom, other sister etc.) wanted to pay for it and I don’t normally see them without him present.
5. I sort of took a backseat role in planning our wedding. (I didn’t even know what the centerpieces looked like until pretty much the day-of, did my own makeup, and would’ve done my own hair except sis and mom insisted we should all go to the salon.) My sister and hubby were much more involved in the whole process than I was; I have never been “into” all the “wedding stuff” although marriage itself as an institution has always been important to me.
Post # 14
Believe it or not -but I feel like I’m going against the groove because I am getting married in a church – and then having the reception in a private home. Yes – we could afford the “standard” wedding that’s out there where you rent a venue and have round tables and a band, etc… but that was not what Fiance and I wanted. I have been to many weddings and I always hated sitting at those round tables. I hated being confined to one group of people for most of the wedding – and often times it was people I didn’t know very well since I was single and a good conversationalist so people felt that they could “plug” me into the extra seat. No assigned seating at my wedding reception.
Most of the negative comments are around why we are getting married in the Catholic Church… and why would we want to have a reception in a private home.
I’m also only having a Maid of Honor and a Matron of Honor – and they won’t be in matching dresses. I just told them jewel tone colors that are complimentary. I want them to be happy in what they are wearing.
Also skipping having a bridal shower (though my Maid/Matron of Honor offered)… not my thing and not necessary. We are doing a “bachelorette day” instead where we go on one of my favorite hikes.
I made the decisions that were right for me and my Fiance. I hope all the other brides do the same.. whatever they may be. I am not a fan of all the pressure our society has on brides to do things a certain way. One of my friends read that some couples never get married because they can’t afford the wedding that their friends expect them to have. SO sad…
Post # 15
@TwoOneFive: You rock! I have not changed my fb status either and have not posted any pics. My good friends know and that’s ok. FI hates fb and I respect his wishes.