(Closed) NONE of my “close” friends are attending my wedding…feeling betrayed

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I understand where you are coming from but you have to understand you are having a destination wedding. You migh think your friends have all the money in the world but you just never know. I would only be super pissed if it was a wedding that would not cost them $$$$. I feel for you but just remember your wedding should be special because you get to be with the man you love. Hugs

Post # 4
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

They don’t really sound much like “friends.” Go to the wedding of your dreams and chat with FI’s friends to make new ones. Really! Get out there and meet people who won’t be as selfish. I mean, yes, you are having a destination wedding, which can be really hard for some, but it doesn’t sound like money is the issue for most of them. 

Post # 5
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This sounds really disappointing. I can really understand how bummed you must feel. I think your friend probably did really want to go to your wedding, but destination weddings are expensive and they might have had a change of heart once the reality of how much they cost set in. Unless you are involved with their finances, you have no idea how much money they have, regardless of what you read on facebook. (I think people tend to “embellish” their lives on facebook.)

Is there any way you can celebrate with them after you get married?  

Post # 6
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@sexxysheddy:  I agree.

OP, while it sucks that your friends can’t be there and I think it’s ok to feel sad about it, it’s one of those consequences you have to brace yourself for when you choose to have a destination wedding. I toyed with this idea myself, and the thing that made me decide not to do it was the fact that I doubted even my sisters (my best friends) would be able to swing it.

Post # 7
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You’re not being ridiculous, of course you’re disappointed.  Sure, it would cost them a little bit to get there, but they’ve known that it was going to be a Destination Wedding and talked about how excited they were to go.  If they knew that it would be a hurdle, they could have said “I would love to be there but might not afford it, are you having an at-home reception?”  

This sounds like a case of drifting apart and not realizing how far apart until push came to shove.  I’ve seen this happen a lot with weddings, especially with college friends, but it’s still disappointing.  Are you going to have a small reception “back home?”  Perhaps your friends, except N, would be able to make it to that one?

Furthermore, I would reach out to your Maid/Matron of Honor.  Can you and Fiance swing covering part of her ticket?  Or part of any of their tickets, for that matter?  Sometimes life gets difficult and makes it hard for us to be good friends.  I know you’re planning a wedding, but if you haven’t tried to go the extra mile to help her while she’s in trouble, it might be a good idea.

You aren’t a loser, you just happen to have friends who are far-flung and financially strapped.  It really sucks that they can’t come, but they probably figure they wouldn’t get much 1 on 1 time with you anyway because that’s how weddings tend to go, and without the 1 on 1 time with you it might be too much of a trip to take.

Post # 8
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

It is disappointing but the other posters seem to echo my sentiment that they don’t really sound like great friends.  Are these people that you have kept close, constant contact with over the years?  It sounds as if all of your lives have gone in different directions.  This is NOT a reflection on you, it just means that you all grew up and moved on!

Post # 9
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@maggierose:  It was your choice to have a wedding that is expensive to get to. The friend who can’t get vacation time probably doesn’t want to spend hundreds-a thousand for a one weekend getaway focused on your wedding. That’s a lot of money for a quick flight there and back. It’s fine to feel disappointed, but try not to take it out on your friends. This really isn’t their fault.

Post # 10
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I have no idea how old you are, but I found out in mid twenties that a lot of my old friendships with people from college exploded for a variety of reasons. It was really hurtful and painful, however I am still close with my oldest friend even though we live completely different lives and see each other once or twice a year at the most! Some of your friends have flimsy excuses.Frown The one in Florida doesn’t make sense to me, I lived there and I know for a fact if she really wanted to she could fly or even take a boat for very inexpensively. That really sucks! You aren’t a loser many some people are lucky enough to make life long friends in college, and some of us aren’t so lucky. Its hard meeting new people its almost like dating! After the wedding dies down think about joining social groups like Meetup.com I met cool people through that and am having one of the girls I met a year and half ago in my wedding! Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I see how disappointing you must be.  But hey, better know it now than find out when it’s close to your wedding date.  All the friends that will be at my wedding I have mostly know them after college.  I see what you mean, college friends that have been through a lot of things with you in school….everything.  But if you guys weren’t that close in the past few years, it’s hard to expect people to shell out hundreds and thousand of dollars to be at your wedding.  Financially affordable or not is another issue.  But I don’t want to hurt your feeling but looks like they didn’t want to come. 

If this is the case, why feel bad about it?  I think you should find some people that cares you enough to WANT to celebrate your special day with you to invite to the wedding. Some friends were good at a particular stage in your life.  but everyone grew up and eventually into different things.  There are always new friends to be around with.  🙂

Post # 11
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I see how disappointing you must be.  But hey, better know it now than find out when it’s close to your wedding date.  All the friends that will be at my wedding I have mostly know them after college.  I see what you mean, college friends that have been through a lot of things with you in school….everything.  But if you guys weren’t that close in the past few years, it’s hard to expect people to shell out hundreds and thousand of dollars to be at your wedding.  Financially affordable or not is another issue.  But I don’t want to hurt your feeling but looks like they didn’t want to come. 

If this is the case, why feel bad about it?  I think you should find some people that cares you enough to WANT to celebrate your special day with you to invite to the wedding. Some friends were good at a particular stage in your life.  but everyone grew up and eventually into different things.  There are always new friends to be around with.  🙂

Post # 12
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hmm. I’m torn on this issue.

A friend of mine from college, who I still hang out with on a fairly regular basis, decided to have a destination wedding. Her Fiance is also a good friend of my husband. Darling Husband and I decided to turn down their invite for their Destination Wedding because we had been planning to take a trip someplace specific for awhile, and we just couldn’t afford both.

Now, from my friend’s perspective, I can see feeling disappointed that we didn’t come to the wedding.

But from DH’s and my perspective, we were going to be disappointed if we couldn’t take the trip we had been planning. Should we have just sucked it up and thrown out our trip plans so that we could attend their wedding? We didn’t think so, so we didn’t go.

So I don’t know what the right thing would be for your friends to do. I can understand why you feel disappointed that they aren’t coming, but you please try to put yourself in their shoes, too, and consider what you are asking them to foresake in order to attend your wedding. It may not be an issue of them being flakey, but rather an issue of them choosing not to give up things that they’ve been looking forward to for some time.

Post # 13
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m not going to lie, there is not a human being on this planet for whom I would be willing to fly out to the Dominican Republic (or really anywhere overseas) for their wedding.  That is freaking expensive for a vacation that’s not really a vacation.  If I’m dropping the cash to go somewhere tropical, then I am going with me and my dude and we are going to be beach bums the entire time.  I’m not saying that having a Destination Wedding is selfish or inconsiderate but you have to understand that taking an expensive trip to go to a wedding is not really that exciting to most people.  It sucks but it’s what happens when you have a Destination Wedding.

Post # 14
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I can understand you being disappointed but I don’t think this makes them bad friends.  You picked a wedding in a place that is difficult to get to and will cost a fair bit  of money, regardless of where they’re coming from.  When you make that decision, you have to expect that a lot of people important to you are not going to be able to attend.  

Just because someone is planning future trips, doesn’t mean that they have money to spend travelling to your wedding.  Honestly, whilst I was living overseas (I’m still overseas actually), I missed important weddings, yet I continued to take many trips throughout my time overseas.   The only wedding I ever came home for was a wedding in my hometown (of one of my best friends) as I could combine it with a trip home to see family and friends.  If I had had to travel to a faraway location for the wedding, I probably wouldn’t have gone.  

I wouldn’t feel betrayed by your friend in Paris going to Bali instead of your wedding – she gets a week or two long holiday that will be extremely cheap, as opposed to spending MORE money to go to the DR for a long weekend for a wedding.  I know what I would choose too.   As for your friend in Florida, I understand that from your perspective it looks like it would be a really easy trip for her to get to the DR, but you just don’t know her personal circumstances.   I also don’t think she should have to cancel a trip to Europe next year to attend a long weekend wedding – that’s not really fair.   As harsh it is to say, as the old adage goes “Your wedding will never be as important to anyone else as it is to you”. 

Don’t feel down about your wedding – go and enjoy yourself with the people that will be there.  You’re becoming a part of your FI’s family so enjoy your time with them. For our wedding, we had 154 guests, precisely 9 of whom were from DH’s side.  His family lives all over the globe and just couldn’t get there, even though we had it near a major airport hub.  His own sister couldn’t even attend – but we didn’t hold the slightest grudge for any of them not being there.  We understand how other things get in the way or are more important than flying halfway around the world to attend our wedding.  DH still had a great time and it was a lovely celebration. 

And trust me, no one will be looking at you weirdly because you don’t have a lot of friends there.  It’s not a big deal to anyone but you – people won’t think the slightest thing of it.  Just go and enjoy yourself!

Post # 16
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@maggierose:  

Hi Maggierose, I thought it’s only me who felt this feeling, after I read your post, I think we are at the same position.

I can understand your feeling coz my friends will also do the same thing to me. My wedding will also be held on holiday weekend and a lot of unlogical excuse they said to not attend my wedding. Then when i know the truth, they hurt me so much.

All my close friends are in one town with me, so I think there’s no unlogical reason to not attend my wedding. If one of your friend don’t attend your wedding coz the the expensive flight, then my friend said she will have a VACATION with her OFFICE MATES to Bali and her company will PAY ALL the cost, the flight, hotel, food, everything!! Even the company give them pocket money to have fun there. I know it really sounds great, but i hope she choose to attend my wedding rather than that. And I’m wrong. Feel disappointed? Yes! She really KIDDING ME!!! I have no idea she can do it to me, our close friendship means nothing to her. And then another thing that she said (stab me again) is: As chinese tradition, the quests will give red pocket (hong pao) to groom and bride. Then, after she choose to not attend my wedding, she said this easily: “DON’T WORRY, I WILL GIVE YOU THE REDPOCKET.” *sigh* Undecided

I said, “I don’t concern on your red pocket. Your presence is more important.”. Then she said, “I don’t care what will happen, I just want to have vacation to Bali. The company PAY ALL the cost. When I can enjoy this if not now?”

WHAAAAATTTTSSSS??!!!

 

Then another friend is going to Jakarta to have fun there (this is what she said to me). OH GOSH!!!  Then another truth is coming up, she is not going to Jakarta –> She lies to me. She canceled it and buy tickets to visit a friend at another town. Surprised

Then the third is come out with another reason. Also vacation with her crush. Come on, she can also attend my wedding with her crush. I just dont have any word to describe them anymore. It feels like they stab on me directly. Feels BETRAYED.

I just can’t imagine how can they do this to me! At last I realized, not everyone smile at you is your friend. Even they ever going through the good and bad time together with you. Their reason are not acceptable. All what we call friendship at school time means nothing to them. They leave my wedding coz of the vacation. Come on!! You can have vacation anytime! But when will you share your best time at your friend’s wedding?! Your best friends are not getting married every year!!!

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